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neuromonkey t1_ixwrrjk wrote

I'm not calling you stupid, I'm referring to the stupid, destructive negative thinking we've all got. The stupid monkey is deep within all of us, screeching in terror & anger when things don't go well. We can't get rid of idiotic little jerk, but we can learn to stop letting it steer our lives. If you're around little kids, they're going to be loud little dipshits who do and say stupid things. They yell, they break stuff, and they're completely controlled by their instantaneous emotions. Are you going to let a four year-old kid squirt superglue up its nose? No, because that's fucking stupid. Do you worry that you might let a four year-old squirt superglue up its nose? No. You wouldn't allow them to play with superglue to begin with. In exactly that way, we can start to learn how to take care of the the parts of ourselves that react like babies. The stupid monkey. Should I have eaten half a gallon of ice cream last night? No. No, I shouldn't have. But I did. So... I'm an asshole. I'll always be fat and out of shape, and I'll never learn to control myse----whoa. Whoa, there. Those were bad ways of reacting to my questionable ice cream-related decision. I'm not a bad person, I'm a person who sometimes lets the stupid monkey influence his behavior. But... I'm learning... slowly, but I'm learning.

It is possible to improve your mental health, but you need to work at it. You need to look for suggested approaches, and you need to try them. At the outset, you can't know which things will work for you. Grab a book or two on CBT. Sign up for MaineCare, and ask about other services that might help. Above all, you're in charge of steering your life. Don't be a dumb-ass. However hard your life is now, driving without a license could make your life a whole lot worse. Trust me, you aren't a good driver yet. Deciding to drive without a license is exactly the sort of judgement error that a driving test is meant to catch. (The tester doesn't give a rat's ass about you, personally, or why you did something wrong; only that you did.) You aren't incapable of driving well, but deciding to drive illegally would be strong evidence that you aren't making good decisions.

Stop explaining your behavior. Almost nobody in life will give a shit about why you did a thing--life isn't a movie, and you aren't a superhero whose backstory is relevant to the plot arc. I'm not saying that your experiences aren't important, I'm just saying that your actions tell the world who you are. If you drive without a license, you are, by definition, a bad driver. And you can change that, if you want to.