rustybullrake t1_j50g2k9 wrote on January 19, 2023 at 3:20 PM

Anytime I've made friends it has been as a secondary effect of having regular, repeated interactions someplace I'm at anyway. In my case school, work, bars.

Anytime I've grown apart from friends, it's been because there hasn't been regular, repeated interactions because I'm not at those places anymore. Out of sight, out of mind.

Intention isn't nearly as effective as repetition, that's how you get the "oh hey we should totally hang out soon!" that never happens because life keeps getting in the way. This is why post-school is such a hard time for friendships for so many people.

Which is to say, your best bet for finding and forming friendships is to be somewhere regularly and repeatedly. School, work, bars, gyms, religious groups, book clubs, charity groups, etc. Doesn't really matter where, so long as you are likely to run into people you jibe with. Show up, keep showing up, talk to people. Friendships should follow organically.

And don't listen to folks who say this is a New England problem. It's a post-school problem anywhere, and likely a consequence of work taking up so much of our free time and energy.

Good luck!

Mountain_Bill5743 t1_j52ru3t wrote on January 20, 2023 at 12:10 AM

You just describe perfectly the phenomenon of what's known by academics as the "third place." Historically, this used to be social clubs that no longer exist in recent decades. I forget the exact list of attributes, but the third place involves consistent, low stakes interactions over a defined period of time (just like you described).

I think bumble BFF suffers in that friend dates don't have a lot of forward momentum with a platonic stranger unless you have a non awkward routine established like going to the dog park every sunday.

WickedDog310 t1_j57kbjf wrote on January 20, 2023 at 11:16 PM

This just got me thinking, what would a third place look like in 2023? Social clubs used to revolve around shared heritage for the most part. But what would it take to start one now?

I'm not asking for you to answer this so much as I would love to spitball the idea and see where it goes.

Mountain_Bill5743 t1_j5cbqjp wrote on January 21, 2023 at 11:37 PM

My friend just mentioned that they were reading "Bowling Alone" By Robert Putnam and that seems like something that might be up your alley if you are interested in this kind of thing. It sounds like it might have some answers to your questions here (though, its from 1995 so not ultra modern).