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TikkiTakiTomtom t1_jaa5y4l wrote

“God don’t grip me so tight when you’re fighting an old bearded guy.”

“Bro your swings are so terrible I want to cut myself”

“Pbbt. Lame.”

“Bro. I’m hungry.”

“Put me back in [the sheathe] it’s cold out here!”

“I’d like a slice of that cake”

“Let’s gooooooo”

(To the enemy) “Damn bro, you swing like a girl”

(To the female enemy) “Damn bro, you swing like — oh wait…You swing like a hairy dude!”

“Hey, you. You’re finally awake. Hahaha oh man I always wanted to do that… Ha… It’s a gaming joke. You don’t get it? Never mind… ^Lame.”

“Wait I thought that’s how I was supposed to do it? Oops”

“Like cuttin butter”

“Raw doggin this hobgoblin”

“Hey look mom! No hands!

“Don’t touch me. I’m harder than Damascus steel right now. It’ll be weird.”

“Bro. I’m hungry again...”

“Can you clean me, dude? I haven’t showered in days”

“Puts a whole new meaning to waxing the sword”


“That’s the most perfect cut in the history of perfect cuts”

“Aw yeah I’m the best. Who da best? I am!”

“No, it’s not my first time slicing someone! I’m not lying! I swear!”

(To you) “You’re not cut out for this but I am”

“$!@& ?%#$”

“Swoosh! Swish! Shhhhng! You like my added sound effects?”


“…It’s too early in the morning to be doing this…”

“360 no-scope! Omg you just failed that. Dude”

“Can he clutch the win with the last swing… And Ye—never mind… That was embarrassing”

“Can’t… breathe… monster grip…”

“For the gazillionth time you can’t cut a ghost!”

“I’m not meant to be used as a hammer ya know”

“Can we not do this today? I’m tired.”

“Ew ew ew ew! This is so grossss. This is so grossss.”

“Aaaand the dynamic duo gets the dub!”

“I’m trying my best okay?!” fake sobs

“I’m trying my best okay?!” real silent sobs

“Random boner! Just gotta let you know.”

(You to enemy) “I have a better sword than you!” (Sword) blushes

(You to enemy) “I have a bigger sword than you!” (Sword) “GAAAAAAY!”

(To enemy) “Mom, dad, I have something to tell you” sssshng!

“Look at all these nicks bro. Makes me look tough!”

“I wish I was bigger….”

“What? Did I say something wrong”

“What? Did you say something? I was thinking about food. A slice of ham or cheese or bread perhaps”

“Hot chick alert! Hot chick alert!”

(To killed enemy) “Eat it bitch”

“It’s big brain time! But I don’t have a brain! Yohohoho!”

(To enemy) “Cringe”

(To enemy) “You were as easy to hit as yo mama”

(To you) “You suck bro lol”

(To you and enemy) “Watch this…” fails “That’s not supposed to happen. No YOU suck!”

(To you) “Are you in love with me or something stop gripping me so hard”

(When you two first meet) “It always feels like I’m getting the short end of the stick… up my ass… If I had one…”


MyloRolfe t1_jacb2sr wrote

I read the whole thing in the voice of Scout from TF2 and loved every second.