At least that’s how I felt back then. Laying in the grass, in the dark, listening to the party carry on without me. It was peaceful here. I practiced a trick I had learned on my uncle’s farm, find the dimmest star visible and stare at it until it becomes clear, then find another, farther star, and stare at that until you can see the whole sky full of pinhole lights. I heard my partner’s deep rumbling laugh, answered with a trilling response. Yeah - they’d never miss me.

Twenty Years Later* I’m just about to finish up my degree. A bit later than most, but I got there. My spouse is curled up warm behind me and our cat is purring loudly demanding attention. I hear our son cough down the hall. I will be taking him to fencing class tomorrow. He’s starting to get really good. I never thought these people existed. This perfect little family of weirdos and nerds. Spouse and I were right - our kid is turning out to be smarter than both of us - and has both of our neurodivergent issues. And I’m so glad he has us. I’m so glad he has parents who know what it’s like and that we can be for him the people we never had.

Young me may or may not have been missed so long ago, but I know there would be a hole where these people and this family were supposed to be today and no one could do a better job of holding them together than I do.