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SilasCrane t1_j8upebn wrote

"Praetor Naxes! A human armada has just arrived in-system!" the Dralaxian technician cried.

The Praetor whirled on his subordinate. "What? How? They can't have deciphered the quantum encryption codes on our FTL suppression field!"

"I...I can't believe it, but it looks like they traveled to the nearest star system outside the field, and made their final approach at sublight speed." the technician said, with a mixture of awe and horror.

"That...even with ion drives...surely that would have taken them years!" the Praetor exclaimed.

The technician nodded. "Y-yes, Praetor. It seems they were willing to do it anyway." The technician's console suddenly beeped. "I'm receiving a transmission from the human flotilla, Praetor. Audio only."

"Translate and play back." he ordered.

The technician entered a series of commands into the console, and a droning alien voice filled the command center, along with a cacophony of uncanny instruments never before heard by Dralaxian ears:

You've got a friend in me,

You've got a friend in me!

You got troubles, I got 'em too,

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.

We stick together and see it through,

Cause you've got a friend in me,

You've got a friend in me!

"By all the gods. Initiate full planetary alert." the Praetor rasped.

The twin suns of Dralaxar were blotted out by the innumerable landing craft from the human armada that filled its skies, as the Dralaxian military valiantly but vainly exhausted directed energy beams and explosive ordinance on the seemingly indestructible human vessels, and government broadcasts warned civilians to barricade themselves in their homes.

Above a quiet suburban street, deserted by the residents now cowering behind the scant protection of their locked doors and windows, one of the craft opened, and a score of massive figures in gleaming powered armor descended on the defenseless neighborhood.

One of them stalked towards a civilian home, their implacable alien eyes hidden behind a polymer visor. They balanced a metal disc covered in strange brown lumps on one gauntleted hand, and drew the other back in a fist as they reached the door of the home.

The alien brought their fist forward...and tapped on the door lightly, loud enough to be easily heard, but not hard enough to do any damage to the structure.

"Hey guys!" the alien said, in cheerful, remarkably fluent Dralaxian. "You wanna hang out? I brought cookies!"

All up and down the street, humans called out similar greetings to the suburb's terrified inhabitants.

"What's up fam, you wanna get a hang going, or what?"

"Hey what's good, Bro-Laxians? I brought some beers and the carcass of one your local birds drenched in buffalo sauce; you down?"

"Dudes, our scientists developed a new kind of edible that's safe for both of our species to consume while we watch cartoons together: let's do this!"

"Listen, I just want you to know I'm not like all those other humans. I know some species find interplanetary social situations difficult, and I respect your boundaries. So I'll just be here on your porch, whenever you're ready to come chill with me. Okay? Or you can call me on my power suit comms, if you want. I'll slip a note with the frequency under the door here, okay? If you could just, you know, knock on your side of the door so I know you heard me, then..."

Behind their closed doors, Dralaxian families huddled together, and they wept.


Davebobman t1_j8v6egc wrote

> "By all the gods. Initiate full planetary alert." the Praetor rasped.

That one really got me. Then you followed it up with some real comedy gold.

> Listen, I just want you to know I'm not like all those other humans.