Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

eigen-dog t1_j8qy8ke wrote

Along a cliff of blackened rock arises
Blackened cracks. Blistered stone splits wide
Exhaling breath afoul with bile; the putrid
Air is warm, and further in the cracks grows thick
And gastric hot

Inside the darkness: boiling heat and
Distant crackles; a deep inhuman moan
Cuts through abyss, along its back it
Carries demon screams and guffs of
Charring flesh

A sudden drop, into infernal black:
Observe the winding tributary, onyx
Flame flowing like silk and bathing all
In lightless heat. Perched atop the lapping tongues
Behold Old Charon's seat

Blackened robes that never seem to burn
A crooked figure built of igneous bone
That towers, still as stone, and still it would
Remain until the end of time, but for
Lord Hades' order: Plough the River Styx

4

Lucky_Lucy1189 t1_j8rznjp wrote

This was really good! I liked the descriptions.

I think it would be better to use something like "heartless heat" than "flightless heat" unless you specifically wanted to highlight darkness.

Also, I think you should capitalize only the beginnings of sentences, not lines.

2

AttemptingWriter t1_j8t1kog wrote

I really like the "lightness heat" and the contrast of the dark blackness with the flames. This feels so doomful and threatening to me. Also like the greek mythology - I googled charon and the river styx to see what they are (havent heard of before), and I like the connection between all of the greek myth references.

2

eigen-dog t1_j8qyqtc wrote

Edits for formatting space between lines.

1

RecklessSpeculation t1_j8yytjj wrote

Good Stygian theme throughout, first two stanzas really give a sense of sulfur and decay. Sets up nicely for the introduction of the Styx. Love "Old Charon's seat" as almost punctuation.

Only edit I would offer would be consider the repeat of "blackened" in the first two lines. blackened cracks doesn't add much to blackened rock and vice versa.

1