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Land_Shaper t1_ja23eh7 wrote

Those fucking assholes keep trying to kill me. I did nothing, just got the keys and out of nowhere, some guy starts screaming about the rights of the proletariat and came at me with a fancy electric knife. I got lucky, I had a hammer in my hand from trying to put up a framed picture of a cat and a clear will to live. His head didn't look very good after that little argument.

Fast forward a few weeks and some other asshole came at me, yelling about "the sins of your existence" or some other nonsense. It was early in the morning, I had a coffee in hand. Let's just say I'm happy I went to Mcdonalds for coffee that morning. Him, not so lucky.

A few months in, and a few altercations later, and I've had enough of it. I just wanted to hire a manager to run the business and I could retire to some Caribbean island and live off the earnings. But no, there's always some guy trying to kill me. I sell ice cream for fucks sakes, what the hell is going on. I have to hire some goons to protect me. Simple problem being that they're fairly expensive. Who would have seen it coming that numerous attempts on one's life would increase hourly rates from "security consultants" and "that guy from the neighbourhood that knows some people" and even the drug dealers down the street. It's very expensive and the shop isn't making that much money. No choice but to go the bank and get a loan. I'll sell them on some fancy expansion plan to generate more revenue. The security? Have to protect the assets of course.

The bank approved the loan and just in time. I swear, a TEAM of these yahoos tried to kill me in my sleep. Killed two of the goons too, the payments on these life insurance premiums are getting out of hand and clearly I need to upgrade the security on my house. They always try to come at night and night visions goggles aren't cheap. No choice but to go back to the bank and to get another loan and start a construction business. I need to build a fortress and other people have already expressed interest in my idea. At least the initial expansion went really well, turns out that fear for ones life is an excellent motivator when it comes to better business practices. All the employees go through an extensive background check and have to sign a pretty airtight contract confirming that they won't make an attempt on my life or consequences will be dire to their loved ones. I don't have a choice! I've had so many employees try to kill me that consequences need to be dire. I pay very well and they're still trying to kill me.

So we're a decade into this whole endeavour and it's gotten out of control. The construction business went really well, apparently there was a lack of contractors able to build auto-turrets and able to program killbots to patrol estates. They're coming on a weekly schedule now. Each with crazy sci-fi ways to try to kill me. One guy has a heart attack gun, another tries to poison my suit, another with this crazy suit of power armour. Figured it was time to start a research and development wing to the business to try and reverse engineer some of their tech. The science nerds have told me that most of the guys trying to kill me show evidence of a neutrino displacement or some other nerd bullshit. It's gone from an inconvenience to a concerted effort on my life. They started it ! A literal battalion showed up yesterday. It's a good thing I invested in that tank regiment last month. We developed some tools that allow us to detect reality breakdowns when these guys come in from the future to try and end me. Oh ya, they're literally from the future. What is this even, I just wanted to retire early and I've had to create a relatively competent organization just to keep me alive. Anyways, we can now detect when they're coming in, but the rest of the time? Well, a lot of shady governments look towards my security detail and don't mind paying exorbitant fees to rent them out for the rest of the time. Money coming in ! Which, is actually required because they keep coming up with fancier and nastier ways to try and kill me.

2 decades in and I swear this is now a temporal war. I swear, I didn't start it, but what choice am I left ? They've tried to come up with some ways to obfuscate their DNA so I, wait, no, we, can't track their lineage. But we can. We make sure to preserve the bodies after every attempt and we kill their ancestors. Some of these guys are from five thousand years in the future, if you believe that. Prune here, kill there, yadi yada, you get one chance and they all fail. We don't. The biometrics system is up, the AI controlled CCTV system is ubiquitous across the world. They started it but I'm going to finish it. I hate them, the attempts are made daily now, but our tech matches theirs. If you're not with us, you're against us. I made this very clear at the UN last year.

It's the twilight of my years and they haven't defeated me. They've tried and failed. They've tried everything and failed. Losers. Only problem being that the temporal department came back with some data about "everyone is going to try and kill you at some point, given the chance" or some other non-sense. My poor children, what a world I'm leaving them. Everyone is enslaved. What other choice did I have? The good ones, with no attempts for the next five thousand years are given good jobs. The others? Not so much. But I make everything now. Literally. What other choice did I have? The UN was getting in the way, the United States wasn't recognizing my concerns. A non-state actor or some other non-sense. Well, fuck'em, I wanna live. UNTIL I DON'T! I bought them all. Killed the others. No other choice. They're all coming for me. God, I hate them. Everything that's happening to them, they deserve. I just wanted to retire. They created their own problem, I swear.


Minecraft-god69420 t1_ja29aba wrote

Is this the butterfly effect or something else where they basically create their own destiny?


brooke360 t1_ja3a1op wrote

I think this would be more of a predestination complex :)


VorpalAbyss t1_ja41rhe wrote

This is one of those times when something went wrong, so you try to stop it from happening, only to be the thing that went wrong in the fist place.

I believe it's the... Bootstrap Paradox? otherwise known as a Casual Paradox.


MrChaoticGaming t1_ja4k8u0 wrote

Poor dude just wanted to sell some ice cream. I wonder if it was any good.


Minimystic09 t1_ja4inlf wrote

The theory that they all could've gotten to the wrong shop though.