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who_likes_fridays t1_jce4nmr wrote

“You sure this is it?”

“Yes, yes, now go!”

‘Samuel’, as he would come to be known, hesitantly strode over to the entry door of the coffee shop, one foot in front of the other.

Come on, he thought to himself, you spent weeks practicing the human method of walking in basic training- so get it over with!

But just before he could slide stealthily into the coffee shop, his fingers trembling on the entrance doorknob, a surge of nervousness swarmed his body and made its way to his mind’s gates, overwhelming him.

He snuck away from the area and immediately turned toward the invisible ship to voice his concerns. “You’re… you’re absolutely, 100% certain, 100% sure, that this costume is working?”


“What? It’s a genuine concern-“

“Samuel. Don’t you think, if the disguise were to be broken, that everyone in the area outside the shop, as well as literally all of the people in this general area, would notice and point it out?”

Samuel exhaled a sigh of contempt and responded haphazardly. “If… if you say so.”

Approaching the coffee shop for a second time, Samuel willed himself to the task and forced his way in. He swore he could feel the burning gazes of every onlooker being branded into the back of his head- but a quick survey around himself disproved his anxiety. He turned back to the front of the shop, his eyes now lazed in relief.

“Oh… for God’s sakes, what are you doing? Just standing there? Get to the task at hand or I’ll just come in myself and do it!”

Samuel instantly shot up straight- an action that drew some attention toward him. But the curious looks and prying stares soon faded into the air as the customers realized nothing of importance was transpiring.

Now newly motivated, Samuel made an order for a cup of coffee and sat at an empty table. It wasn’t long before his name was called to go up and retrieve his beverage.

But, according to plan, Samuel did not return to his original table upon paying for his drink. Instead, he located the table over, where, sat in one of two chairs, was a mostly absorbed woman with glossy red hair and glasses obscuring some of the dimples spread out on her cheeks.

Samuel approached and pulled out the chair in front of her. “May I?” he asked.

The lady pulled off her headphones and stared at him, her attention fully absorbed in his stunning looks. For, to make this conducted case study much easier and more efficient, the alien’s disguise was made much more generally attractive in a way that the aliens hypothesized would stimulate human love and attachment. And it was clear that it was working.

“S-sure, go ahead…” she stammered.

Samuel sat down with a surprising confidence that rivaled his anxiety that had flooded him only moments prior to entering the coffee shop. Though, at least here, he had no reason to be scared. Not only was she a human, and not of his species, but the concept of love as humanity came to understand it didn’t really exist back where Samuel was truly from. So he sat, silently, waiting for something to be said, his eyes locked in hers.

But nothing came to be said. She just stared at him. The table remained in silence as the atmosphere in the coffee shop grew to be more deafeningly quiet. And then, all of a sudden, she began to move her eyes. Not in a darting way, as if she was desperately trying to find something else to look at- no, more like in an almost gesturing way. Samuel was confused by this- disoriented, even. What was she trying to convey by doing this? Was she even conveying something? Was this just some sort of human reflex or behavior that his class had glossed over?

It was all too much for him. So he excused himself to the bathroom and locked the door.

“Samuel, what are you doing?” The commanding alien asked.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what she’s doing. I mean, did you see what was going on? She never said anything. She just keeps moving her eyes around. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Calm down, Samuel,” the higher ranking alien replied, “now, we understand that this is largely uncharted territory. There is much more to be understood in the way of human communications and conversing, and our research teams, unfortunately, have snagged a roadblock here when it comes to eye contact. You’re just going to have to bear it out. Here, why not try initiating the conversation yourself?”

Motivated once more, Samuel stepped out to be met with her waiting gaze- though, of course, he did not know that, He just thought she was staring at him.

He sat back down and thought of things to say. Instantly he thought back to Unit 7, “Human Small Talk”.

“How’s the, err, weather?” he stammered out, “is it treating you nicely?”

“Eh,” she responded, “same as always. Never rains down here in Los Angeles. Are you from here?” she inquired after.

Yes, he thought to himself, I did it! I started the conversation!

“No, no, I’m from,”, a quick pause to think about his brief stint in Terran geography, “Florida. Down there, weather-wise, you never know what’s gonna hit you next.”

She laughed, hard- so hard that it wasn’t really appropriate for how funny his remark really was- and nudged his shoulder, peering at his arm, before looking back up to him, in silence.

Crap, he thought, she’s doing the thing again!

Quickly, he started another conversation. This time, though, it was more bound toward executing the experiment. “Say, wanna get out of here?”

“I’d love to,” she said.

Samuel set down his drink and walked her out of the store. Having now initiated Phase B, he was delighted to see a vehicle already parked out front of the store.

He led her to it, taking out the keys that had been planted in his pocket beforehand. She giddily claimed shotgun as he hopped into the driver’s seat, key in the ignition, ready to take her to the set location around ten minutes away. That should give him plenty of time to talk to her and get some vital information that may benefit his team’s research efforts as a whole!

And, as he recalled his driving lessons in the first part of Unit 3, he waited patiently for something to be said. Anything.

But no. Silence. Even as the car rushed down the road and into the suburbs, it was nothing but her perpetual staring.

Every time he’d try to get something, anything out of her, she’d quickly end the conversation and continue with her meddling gaze. He didn’t understand, nor could he comprehend her and her actions.

Finally, she and him arrived at the location of Phase C. He breezed out of the car, herself latched onto his arm, her eyes cleaved onto his stunning jawline. At this point, he just wanted to get the experiment over with.

“Alright, this is the most important part,” the commanding alien came over his earpiece, “the human mating ritual- or, more specifically, the lead-up to the human mating ritual; how it is started, how it is initiated. This, right here, is what this entire study is about, Samuel. So do not mess this up!”

Samuel silently nodded. At this point, both him and her were sat comfortably on the sofa- her leaning on his arm, him sitting upright. On the television in front of them played The Matrix; and while Samuel was fixated on this, it seemed she didn’t mind just looking at him the entire time.

Finally, Samuel looked down to meet her gaze. It was a heavy stare- eyebrows relaxed, pupils dilated, and her eyes static. Five minutes passed as she kept staring- and, in this lengthy, awkward duration, she had even begun to bite her lip in anticipation. To her, it seemed almost too clear what she wanted for Samuel not to get it. But, meanwhile, he was scrambling around in his mind for any scrap of comprehension at all.

Finally, she gave up, throwing her tank top to the ground, with nothing but a top on. She said impatiently, “are we fucking, or no?”

Finally, Samuel thought to himself, some clarity!

And with that came the final step in the study.

The commanding alien came over the earpiece. “Initiate phase D.”



who_likes_fridays t1_jce4opb wrote

Aboard the ship now, ‘Samuel’ removed his disguise and dusted off any remnants of the sweat which had plagued him yesterday night.

“So, how’d it go?” the commanding alien turned to meet his subordinate.

“Most peculiar. She would not stop looking at me… looking in my eyes. I had not the faintest clue what she was trying to convey.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking we shift our gears more toward that in the human language department. Humans are peculiar creatures, after all. But even then there are stunning parallels between them and the creatures they think they are above.”

“Like what, sir?”

“The lady you bedded earlier had literally told you verbally she wanted to have intercourse, no?”

“She did… so what?”

“So what? She literally voiced to you, a potential mate, that she wanted to.”

“I still don’t see the significance. At least not in the ‘parallels’ between humans and other Terran creatures you claim exist.”

“Don’t you get it?”


“Well, let me help you here… ah, what do you think birds are yelling to each other when they sing? Or, what do you think insects are doing when they release attractive pheromones? What do you think dolphins are doing when they chirp to each other, whales when they bellow? What exactly is it that they’re saying?”

“I- oh…”

“Got it?”

“Yes, yes…” ‘Samuel’ turned around, beginning to walk away from his superior. “Mating calls. You find them everywhere, don’t you.”

“Indeed. No matter how advanced these humans think they are, they still have to yell to each other for it to make it happen, it seems.”


Cindy was back in the same coffee shop she had been in, the one where she’d met the piece of ass she’d end up sleeping with. This time, she was accompanied by her friend, who insisted she tell her all about it.

“It’s just… he was so oblivious. I kept throwing signs at him, but it wasn’t until I straight-up said I wanted to fuck that he did anything about it.”

“Tell me about it. Always so clueless,” her friend responded in agreement. “I mean, the way they act sometimes, you’d think they were some sort of, I don’t know, alien species- not someone who was part of the same species as us.”

“I know, right?” Cindy replied. She continued, “Men: The Aliens of the Human Race!”

Her friend erupted in laughter, wittily replying “Don’t tell me that wouldn’t make millions in the box office!”

And as the quips continued, and laughs were shared, it appeared that Cindy was just as oblivious as she thought Samuel had been the first time. She knew not how close she came to the truth.

The ship returned to the atmosphere, invisible and see-through as always. This time, a new alien, ‘Danny’, was sent out. “Initiate Plan B,” the commanding alien said overhead, peering into the store at Cindy with her friend, “let’s try two at once.”


KingMe321 t1_jci8dua wrote

I have to say this: love the story, the florida joke is spot on


Cyno_Mahamatra t1_jcv6y53 wrote

You ever wonder if an entire alien race can be autistic or something?


Marcudemus t1_jck4vkk wrote

I'm now convinced that a straight buddy of mine is this alien. 😆


theonetrueelhigh t1_jcfyamb wrote

"They are NOT telepathic. None of the samples exhibited any such capability, no matter what kind of test we put them through. Sexual arousal, somnolescent states, extreme fear - no circumstance enables interpersonal telepathy."

"There have been examples in their entertainments."

"Do I need to remind you that most of their entertainments are 'fiction?' Not representations of real things, past or present. They are pretend."

"Ah, right. The Galaxy Quest paradox."


"So how did they detect me?"

"As the humans say, let's go to the tape." Tar'Van operated his console and the video display lit up. "Here's you, approaching the group."

"In retrospect, such a large crowd of humans was not a good choice for social insertion."

"Analysis strongly suggested that missteps would be missed by the individuals, against the greater noise of so many other humans' behavioral signals to confuse them. It was a good plan."

"That did not prove to be the case."

"Indeed. Humans have a consciousness we had not anticipated. But it is not telepathy."

Nel'Gor and Tar'Van watched as the video progressed. Nel'Gor tried, in the recording, to navigate a few inconsequential interactions, minutiae in the day-to-day interactions of humans. He met one person, talked to it briefly, spoke to another. He answered questions - correctly, he knew, with the right jargon and even accompanying gestures, very amusing according to their research. There was a brief pause...

And then suddenly both humans lunged at him. With his Ordan reflexes, Nel'Gor was able to evade them and, despite the encumbering human garments, ran like the wind. A few more humans joined the pursuit but only halfheartedly, not knowing what the chase was about. The video changed viewpoints a few times, as other secreted pickups about the facility were able to provide a record. Nel'Gor shot past one, then another. By the time it moved to the third camera, Nel'Gor had opened a gap and the humans were losing inclination to pursue him further. Once he gained the open space where the humans all left their vehicles, Nel'Gor was able to open his stride even further and the humans were left completely behind, and abandoned the chase.

The humans spoke to each other briefly. "I did not hear what they said. Can you increase the gain on that?"

Tar'Van twiddled a few more controls, and background noise faded as the humans' speech gained prominence. He backed up the recording a few seconds.

"...and you don't know that guy at all?"

"Hell, no!"

"Where the hell's he get off, making a crack about your mom like that? Guy's looking for trouble. Damn near found it but damn he's fast."

"Some people, man."

Nel'Gor said, "the joke about the man's mother is at timestamp," he showed his notes to Tar'Van, who backed the recording further. "Magnify this individual's face and let me observe."

At the crucial moment, the human's face froze. Nel'Gor had encountered the word "stony" in descriptions before, and had not appreciated its aptness until now. The expression on the face became blank in a way he had not understood in the moment, when he was stumbling through his Innocuous Conversation In A Social Setting repertoire, trying to remember all the rules and their myriad exceptions. The human's eyes clicked to the side.

Tar'Van expanded the view to take in the other human, and sure enough his eyes glanced toward the first's. This nonverbal contact lasted approximately one point two seconds, and both humans initiated pursuit. It was only the sudden, enormous surge of pheromones dumping out of both humans that alerted him sufficiently; one human nearly made contact.

"That was it? That? That's all? They just looked at each other!"

"I suspect that no matter how much time we spend studying human modes of communication, we may never fully comprehend everything they do to communicate. They have been evolving with each other for millions of years, they have a head start."

"Let's throw away the Innocuous Conversation Starter pack from the Discord subcategory. It appears to contain unacceptable cues for in-person conversations."

"Agreed. Let's try the Starbucks pack and start over. Those are all face-to-face."



DerG3n13 t1_jcgf4bu wrote

So what was the joke?


ballrus_walsack t1_jcgokkq wrote

They learned their interaction lessons from immature conversations on discord where people routinely make “I f*cked your mom” jokes.


theonetrueelhigh t1_jcgpe6o wrote

You saw the reference to Discord, right?


DerG3n13 t1_jcgrqcn wrote

Nope, where is it?


theonetrueelhigh t1_jcgs3ck wrote

Five lines up from the bottom. It's a little more pat than I usually try to do, but it works well enough.


DerG3n13 t1_jcgsdyu wrote

Ooooh, that totally went over my head lol


Tumblrhoe t1_jcenk3j wrote

"How did you do that?"

Jason turned back to his lunch mate and stabbed another forkful of salad into his mouth.

"Dew vhut?", he asked around the crunching mass as he tried to resist the urge to turn back around and see what the man seated a few tables behind them was doing.

His lunch mate gestured (well ... gesticulated) behind Jason in the direction of the man with barely contained exasperation. "You just talked to him!

"No I didn't, I was talking to you - and stop pointing! Jesus Tez'uk, it's been 15 years since you guys discovered us and y'all still suck at remembering that pointing is rude.", Jason griped as he lightly smacked the aliens tentacle down.

The alien mass of undulating waves of cilia on a round egg-like surface broken up by four tentacles spaced seemingly at random somehow conveyed bashful embarrassment as it drew back its smacked tentacle.

"Sorry. I just don't know how you do it. I've studied your language, culture, and social norms for over a decade - and yet somehow you and a few humans like you seem to communicate without any speech or antecedent correspondence."

"Oooo, antecedent! That's a good one!", Jason praised while trying to catch the waiters eye for a refill on his diet coke.

"Thank you. It was in this mornings crossword.", Tez'uk tersely replied before barrelling on - "I don't understand it! We can't seem to find a rhyme or reason to it. There's just something some of you do with each other where yo- YOU DID IT AGAIN! THERE!"

Te'zuk knocked their own drink over as their tentacles writhed in either excitement or anger. Jason honestly had a hard time reading tentacle or cilia expressions. He sheepishly recalled his many failed duolingo attempts to improve and mentally promised he'd open the app later tonight.

Jason tried to ignore the now plentiful eyes staring at them after Tez'uk's outburst. Glancing back to the waiter whose eye he'd caught he indicated they'd need napkins.


At this Jason paused.

" you mean what I did with the waiter just now?"

"YES!", Tez'uk practically shouted - their sea of cilia now joining in with their tentacles in displaying waves of heightened agitation. "You did it just now with the waiter! Just like you did with the man behind you!"

Jason blinked slowly at his alien friend. Sometimes he forgot that even though these alien creatures had assimilated so well into human life, they had blind spots. Their obsession with all things language and communication had made exchanging information as easy as breathing, but some things did not translate.

"Tez - they're gay."

The waves of cilia increased their frenetic writhing as Tez'uk processed that information. After a moments pause they responded with a slowness they'd observed in humans talking to a mentally slow creature such as a human baby.

Or a chihuahua.

"Thaaatttt issssss goooooddddd. Doessss notttttt explainnnnnn."

Jason rolled his eyes and looked to make sure the waiter was on his way.

"I can't explain it. It's just a thing we do. I guess I thought you knew. The look I told the waiter earlier was that I needed a refill."

The cilia and tentacles slowed to a standstill. Jason was bemused as he watched the errant twitch of one or two cilia as his friend processed this new information.

"...and the man behind you?"

"Oh! That? He just told me he's in med school, single, and he'd be happy to get drinks with me on Saturday."

The cilia gently waived in a crosshatch pattern that Jason thought he remembered was an expression of puzzlement.

" said all that? With that one look?"

Jason chuckled softly as he let his friend grapple with his newfound knowledge for a moment before he gave an affirmative grunt around his next mouthful of salad.

With a sharp swallow and a sheepish shrug he gestured around at the full dining area. "We've all been doing it. Jerry over there invited me to his kickball tournament. Hector just got engaged but he confessed he's not sure if it's going to work out. Daniel says the straight busboy has cocaine and will give you a bump if you compliment his arms."

Jason put his fork down and dabbed at his mouth.

"We all do it. All the time. It's just a gay thing. Kinda like brunch."

Tez'uk's cilia became a complex roiling sea of mixed messages that Jason doubted he'd find anywhere in tonight's duolingo lesson.

"Wait...brunch is a gay thing??"


MHarbourgirl t1_jcfcj2b wrote

Your alien is adorable. This is kind of how I tend to imagine aliens as they get to know us. Everything makes sense until something suddenly doesn't and they get all discombobulated. This story could go places, it really could.


jpieples t1_jcfxaar wrote

Taking gaydar to a whole new level. Love it.


Realistic_Thought_15 t1_jchndlz wrote

The others always question what goes on in my head. But to be fair, the more they try to understand humans, the more they don’t.

So while Kristin and I have fun over some Jaeger, the others tended to their usual studies or duties. Time passes and we both head to our dorms to crash when the ship lands on the planet we were supposed to explore. The label we had for it was… was… D? 41? Yeah, D-42.

So as I pulled Krist into the prep room, I had grabbed the kit to test whether the atmosphere was safe enough for our suits or our biology. As that was analyzing, I sat on the bench with Krist on my lap blanked away.

Trying to not hurl, I had decided to peak at the camera system we had set outside the ship to see the surrounding area. Seeing nothing but a field of greenery and a pond of blue, one could’ve easily mistake this for Earth.

Ding The system finished analyzing the atmosphere, so checking the scans…96% match to Earth’s atmosphere… wat? Making sure that it wasn’t a joke, I cross checked the make up of both. Yup, outside of the CO2 difference, the place was identical to Earth.

Meaning, either we found another Earth like ours or the planet was just similar. Looking back at the cameras, I rewound them to the moment we were nearing the planet. And yet again, it was a blue and green ball. I woke Krist and told her to check out what I found. They hazily looked at the charts and was amused, looking at me with a look.

Knowing what they would like to do, I told them later. We still need to see what wildlife roamed the land. The others filed in after checking on the ship’s system. Informing them of what I learned of the planet, I advised of waiting for Krist to sober up some so we can safely traverse the land.

Moments passed as we continued our preparations, and by we I mean the others that had to prepare their suits to protect themselves from the environment. The star in this planetary system worked like our Sol, outside of being stronger. However, that also means that the atmosphere of this planet was also stronger.

When Krist finally was able to function, we departed. One team set up camp to analyze the soil, water, and biomass by the ship; while the other picks a direction and explore for any intelligent life. I was part of the exploration team and Krist was on the research team.

Traversing the land over hills and rivers, the land seemed close to that of plains. I wouldn’t be surprised if we-, mid thought we crossed over a hill and found ourselves some buffaloes. The heard had grazed the area being roughly the size of moose. If the wildlife was this big, I wondered how the apex predators would be. Lying low, I had the team double back to report the finding. I had them do this, because I also say encampments. If this was similar to Earth, they must be a tribe that follows the bison. So they would be aggressive to any that would cause harm to them or the wildlife.

And I was caught… yup. My carefulness was my undoing. Now being tied up to a pole, they had talked amongst themselves, likely about what to do with me. Looking to be 7” and above, they seemed to work with women being respected while men were treated like pets. While the men provided the strength and women provided wisdom. Looking about, there were always the exceptions among them.

With the elders seemingly curious about who I was, they had me let go to show them why I was there. Seeming to understand bodily languages, I had buzzed my brain to how I can tell them without them mistaking any of it. Seeing my frustration, they had then held onto my arm and kindly shook their heads. The elder had then handed me my bald back, wondering how I could’ve gotten such an item. I looked around to see a clean set of bones and asked them for permission, of which they obliged, and sharpened it to mimic my blade. They were in awe at its sharpness and durability. I taught them the basics of how I had done so, and let them grow on their own.

In a sudden, a group of animals of the big cats family had entered the place. The guards then had used their newly made tools, to some effect while others were quick on picking up how to efficiently wield them. Looking around, the elder chief had pushed me forward and yelled at me. Reluctantly, I had charged forward to aid those that needed the help.


Looking at Sam socializing with the natives, I had held back on rescuing him. Because of his carefulness, he had only focused on his front not realizing the return group on his six. But with his wits, he was able to safely incorporate himself with them. The others were absolutely baffled at how Sam could pull such a thing off with limited communications, but that’s just the thing with humans, and I guess our galactic twin, we don’t need words to properly socialize. Just the vibe of one another and an understanding of how one side works.


donutguy640 t1_jdsfe53 wrote

Kind of wondering if the spelling errors are yours or the character's.

Also wondering if you'd admit to it if they were yours :P


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