The relief I felt when all eyes of the expedition left me (a knight) and Clair (a cleric) was refreshing. It had trotted over to Dugot, who lounged on a log, and plopped its head directly in his lap. The Barbarian took a few moments to process what had just happened .... everyone did. Then we were all hit at once.

Dugot: "...! N-now I know what this looks like."

Arms were beginning to cross, chins were beginning to raise, hands were meeting hips.

Dugot: "...! What are you trying to imply!? That I was lying!? Because I wasn't!"

The unicorn rubbed its nose against his stomach before leaning its head to the side and promptly dozing off.

Dugot: "GET OFF ME YOU STUPID HORSE!"

The Unicorn's eyes snapped open with scary alertness and it stood to attention almost as if it were a soldier. Dugot looked to his audience that now either bore raised eyebrows or leaked smugness.

Dugot: "G-ah-ek! I am Dugot the Barbarian! I have 12 wives and 24 children!"

...

Dugot: "Sh-shut up! I'm done with all of you!"

Henry (a trickster): "But no one said anything. (Yet)"

Dugot: "ESPECIALLY you!"

Henry raised his hands in peace and backed away upon the battle axe being drawn mere inches from his face. A cut strand of his hair gently floated downward. Dugot angrily turned and walked towards his horse, however the poor thing must have sensed his agitation because it reared up and ran off once Dugot neared it. From his back, I saw Dugot lower his head as the Unicorn walked to where Dugot's horse once stood. It stoically stared ahead like a noble steed with it's side facing Dugot in expectance for him to hop on.

Oh boy, was he about to blow?

Me: "Hey, Dugot ... you know it's ok if you-"

Dugot: "You guys know, I'm actually awake most of the time, right? You cannot be a warrior if you're asleep all the time."

Jered (a mage): "I mean the unicorn kinda makes it obvious that you don't sleep period."

The group lost it and almost everyone burst out in laughter. Dugot turned around with a crazed look in his eye.

Dugot: "Ha ha, funny Jered. Almost as funny as you forming a contract with Kala the witch to boost your magic in exchange for the first born of your pregnant wife to be disabled when she's due 2 months from now."

Everyone stopped laughing and Jered went pale.

Dugot: "Yeah. Not so funny now is it?"

Piany (a elf): "Jered, you what!? That's my sister! How could you!"

Dugot: "Oh don't act so noble now Ms. "Secretly worships the dark moon goddess when everyone is asleep", you're just upset you couldn't offer the baby to your goddess first!

Pinay pursed her lips. Everyone including myself now were seeming to realize the severity of what he was implying when he wasn't actually asleep most of the time. His eyes latched onto me. I quickly raised my hands and backed into the group to fade from sight. Didn't want to pull the pin on that grenade, knew exactly what he might have overheard, guess he took mercy on me and understood that mine was likely a secret to be best kept. Everyone would likely kill me if he said it.

As I backed away, he began to lay out a secret for every single member there except for me and, surprisingly, Henry.

Henry: ".... wow you guys are messed up." He laughed.

As Henry laughed, as per usual his horribly terrible bad luck decided rear its ugly head. I just so happened to be peaking from my tent when it happened. A Bearhemoth lumbered out of the forest on 4 legs, it's steps deceptively silent despite its large size. It paused behind Henry.

Henry: "Like I mean messed up! Bwhahaha!"

He wiped a tear from his eye.

Henry: "Heh, oh come on don't look at me like that, lighten up! Haha! Ha ... ha ......... There's another monster behind me isn't there?"

As if in response, the Bearhemoth blew his hair forwards with an exhale from its nose. Henry let out a high pitch shriek and ran towards everyone who proceeded to draw their weapons. The Bearhemoth stood up on 2 legs and let out a grueling blood curdling roar as we all charged. ...As Dugot charged.

Both roar and charge were cut short as a rainbow blur tackled the Bearhemoth from the side and launched it into a tree. The unicorn pulled it's horn out of the Bearhemoth's side and took a few steps back, shaking the blood off. The Bearhemoth treated the wound like it was nothing and recovered, now roaring at the unicorn. I kid you not, the unicorn flexed ... its limbs bulked like an absolute unit, bigger than Dugot's or Bert the bull back at my mom's farm.

For the brief second, right before it stood and delivered the first right hoof to the Bearhemoth's face, I swear I saw a look of intelligence and regret on the monster's face before it was sent backwards onto the earth. It then jumped atop of the Bearhemoth's chest and delivered a left hoof ... then a right ... and left .... and right ... then a hornbutt hornbutt left right hornbutt left left left right right right horn right .... you get the idea. The Bearhemoth's soul had long since left its body before the unicorn finally stopped.

You could only hear someone swallow in the silence.

Dugot: "Ya know what ... I'm over it! I like it! Welcome to the group my wittle rainbow blossom!"

Dugot merrily skipped over to the red unicorn with an apple in hand. It had returned to its normal physique. 🦄 It's eyes closed in satisfaction as Dugot fed it and gave it pets and baby talked it.

Dugot: "Who's a good unicorn? You are! Yes you are! Oh um yeah gang, sorry about earlier. None of that stuff with 12 wives and 24 children I constantly bragged about was true. Oh well, no harm no foul right?"

No one responded; atleast not until the unicorn glared at all of us from behind Dugot's back.

Everyone: "Yeah! Yup! Mhm buddy! Just friendly scuffles! You're the best Dugot!"

Sir Gallahan was known around the realm as a symbol of peace, the knight who had slain the mythical evil dragon and saved the princess from its clutches. His sword was immortalized in stone and hung up in every city for miles around. As his traveling companion I can say that he’s the humblest knight I’ve known (and that's saying something). He polishes his armor till it shines and sharpens his sword by fire light, while filling the air with his tales of bravery and courage. Hell, he’s younger than me and has more to his name than some shed in dragon country! To me he’s the luckiest man I’ve met, and I’ve met mountains of men who are similar in disposition. His hair is black, his armor silver, his mustache trimmed to perfection, who wouldn’t wish to be his friend?

Lady Cathrine was kind and soft in the kind of way you kiss your children good night after a hard day’s work. She’s brought our party of bastards back from the brink with a single prayer! Her pale hair and skin must have made the snow ashamed by her beauty, yet she chose to travel with us, her ragtag team of misfits and knight known throughout the whole province. She’s soft spoken yet not nearly as shy as she looks, she’s willing to get two bastards out of a bar fight without throwing a punch or using magic! She’s helped our ragtag crew through dozens of missions, she’s a tough bastard as much as we are! Who wouldn’t want to travel with her?

And sure there’s Mitch the dwarven artificer who’s got us in a hell of a lot of trouble on multiple occasions, Perry the aarakocra bard who’s screeching has gotten himself a flock ton of bird tail, and… well… me I guess. I’m just some wandering dragonborn barbarian who’s in way over his head with a bunch of fools he affectionately calls bastards. What have I done to earn such an honor of being the commander to a mythical beast such as a unicorn? As it turns out… never having been laid is the rule, and it seems that I’m the only one in the group to have followed it to a tee.

To be honest it’s rather humiliating, my comrades saw this beast lay its head on my lap and laughed! I guess I can turn the other cheek this time because I’ve done the same to them hundreds of times at taverns.

Petting the beast has to have been the best thing I’ve ever done, its mane was soft as velvet and needless to say the beast is indeed beautiful, it’s a unicorn.

I’ve decided to name the beast “Starfire” . It seemed to fit and it seemed to like it! Sir Gallahan, Lady Cathrine, Mitch, Perry, and I got apron our horses (in my case it was the unicorn) and started towards the town!

It might be nice being the in limelight for once, I’m just glad I can travel with my comrades, I’m sure the year will be full of other adventures, but for now… we can rest.

I couldn't help but laugh at their surprise, everyone else's confusion was evident.

"What's so funny?" Asked the hero, the panic evident in his voice

"Yeah, this is serious!" Agreed the cleric, equally bemused "Well I'd have assumed at least you two would have figured it out by now" I jeered, unhelpfully

"Figured what out" the cleric blurted between heavy breaths, he had started hyperventilating and I was actually feeling a little bad for him at this point, it had been almost two years since I started working as this groups assassin and he was the only one who hadn't accused me of stealing from him, or asked the wizard to use a poison detection spell on their drink whenever I was with them.

The wizard and barbarian seemed to be resigned to sitting this conversation out. They were both stroking the unicorns fur and didn't seem to be paying very much attention.

"Well, you know how every time we win a battle, I'm the only one who doesn't get blackout drunk?" I began answering

"You don't?" The barbarian interrupted, beginning to take interest

"Have I been tainting the pure maidens in my drunken stupor!?" The hero yelled out, on the verge of tears "how could I!" He said, now full on crying

"No, much funnier" I once again started before once again being interrupted

"This isn't funny" the druid said, hyperventilating

"As I was saying, every time we win a battle, the four of you get blackout drunk and spend literally all of our money," I began "and after the wizard and barbarian pass out on a pile in the middle of the tavern, you two come up to the single room we all have to share because you keep spending all our money on beer!" I glared at each of them in turn "you two have the loudest sex ever, fully clothed, and pass out covered in your own, and eachothers semen" I finished

"Ohhhh" the barbarian said "I thought you just had a hangover like the rest of us"

The wizard laughed

At this point the hero and cleric had gotten over their respective mental breakdowns and had turned bright red. Neither one of them seemed to want to confront this revalation

"I'll give you two guesses as to who the bottom is" I sneered

Everyone looked towards the hero. He looked like he wanted to die. I didn't blame him.

At this point the wizard spoke up "Why didn't you tell anyone?" she asked

Now everyone was looking at me

"This has been going on for months at this point, I thought they would have realized it by now." I stated, matter-of-factly

"I think I'm going to stop drinking" said the hero, he looked dead inside

"Me too" the cleric agreed, equally dead inside

"More for me" the wizard said, pulling an entire wine bottle from her magic bag.

I grabbed her bag from her

"Hey! I need that" she protested

"You can have it back when we're making more money than you spend in a single night on alcohol" I glared at her

She stared me down for a second before shrugging and chugging her bottle of wine.

I sat down with the barbarian to pet the unicorn and sighed. These people were in charge of saving the world.

Welcome to the Prompt! All top-level comments must be a story or poem. Reply here for other comments.

Reminders:

>* No AI-generated reponses 🤖 >* Stories 100 words+. Poems 30+ but include "[Poem]" >* Responses don't have to fulfill every detail >* [RF] and [SP] for stricter titles >* Be civil in any feedback and follow the rules

🆕 New Here? ✏ Writing Help? 📢 News 💬 Discord

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.