blackbird223 t1_jc0wt1q wrote on March 13, 2023 at 5:55 AM

“Move!”

Shahid took wobbly steps out of the dungeon, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the brilliant desert sun. Though it was dusk, after being held in a windowless cell for twenty-eight days, he wasn't used to the light.

The guard prodded him in the back with the barrel of a rifle, pointing him toward a spot in the compound far away from any of the buildings. Dried blood stained the ground all about it.

As he shambled over, he took some grim satisfaction at the guards’ evident fear of him. The extremists that had captured him to cover up their horrific crimes clearly hadn’t expected a six-foot-four giant wielding a telephoto lens as a flail. He’d taken three out of commission before being brought down.

At last, Shahid reached the bloody spot. One of the guards smashed his shins with a baton, and another rammed the butt of a rifle into his back, driving him to his knees. They put a sack on his head, and began speaking; he recognized their words as a prayer for the dead. He offered up a silent prayer of his own.

If I am to die here, let me be a martyr for the truth. However, if life is still good for me, oh most merciful one, then let me live!

The executioner’s blade touched his neck. Shahid held his breath, waiting for the end.

Instead, he felt a thump, then heard yelling from the guards. Gunfire erupted near him, first in staccato bursts, gradually morphing into a continuous din. He then heard a distant explosion, followed by screams. As the battle raged on, Shahid laid on the bloodstained ground, still as death, trying not to attract attention, hoping against hope no stray fire would hit him. As the thunder of guns waned, he heard nearby footsteps, and felt a hand on his back.

“He’s alive!”

The shackles on his hands and feet were undone, the sack was roughly pulled off his head, and he found himself looking at a young man in a sand-brown military uniform.

“Can you walk?”

Shahid nodded.

“Excellent. Come with me!”

The other man put an arm around Shahid’s back, and jogged him over to an idling truck. Slamming the door shut, he waved as the truck drove away.

Shahid waited for his heart to stop racing, then spoke.

“Thank you for saving me.”

A seasoned-looking soldier spoke up. “Well, Mister…”

“Shahid al-Sadiqi.”

“Mr. al-Sadiqi, I can’t take credit for that.”

The vehicle slowed to a stop, and another soldier climbed in, a large rifle slung across their back. They doffed a sand-covered camouflage suit, revealing a youngish woman with skin bronzed by the desert sun.

“She’s the one you need to thank. She shot your would-be executioner.”

“I see.” Shahid raised his voice. “Miss…” he peered at the woman’s uniform, “…Keener?”

The sniper’s cold grey eyes locked onto his own. “Yes?”

“Thank you for saving my life.”

She nodded. “Just doing my job.”

******

WC: 496. Feedback welcome!

FyeNite t1_jc49aai wrote on March 13, 2023 at 10:45 PM

Hey blackbird!

I think you did a great job of characterising Shahid here. In reality, he hasn't really done much in the first portion of the story, simply walked over to an execution spot. But the way you sprinkled his backstory in between glances and observations worked so well I think.

And I quite liked how you described the rescue too. Rashid is blind at this point, and you do a good job of making out the sounds and explosions whilst still making sure enough confusion remained for believability.

Really well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> After being held indoors for twenty-eight days, he was unused to the light.

I've never seen it written like that. I've always seen it as "he wasn't used to the light." So I'll just leave this here in case it is wrong. But again, it is probably right.

One other thing, how much light was there? Some more description could help here. Was he blinded for instance?

> The battle raged on for what felt like hours, Shahid hoping all the time no stray fire would hit him. As the roar of guns waned, he heard nearby footsteps.

I wanted more from Shahid here. He's clearly experienced with taking care of himself, so what did he do here? Did he lie flat on the ground, burying his head as deep in the sand as possible to protect it? Did he try to get the shackles off or maybe the sack? Maybe he tried to simply run? Just something more would be great here.

> The sack was roughly pulled off his head, and the shackles on his hands and feet were unlocked.

And finally, I expected something about how his rescuer looked here. What were they wearing? What did their face look like? Did they have a nametag? Maybe a country's flag on their armour? Just something like that.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

blackbird223 t1_jc5fafl wrote on March 14, 2023 at 4:06 AM

Hey Fye! Thanks for the crit.

The rescue was definitely one of the harder parts of the story to write, so I'm glad you liked it. To me, there's only so much battle you can describe before "W shot X and Y, Z blew A up with a grenade..." becomes stale. I did tweak what Shahid did in the midst of this battle, due to a bit of an inconsistency between the story and my head. For some reason, I imagined Shahid tied to a stake, which would make it much harder for him to do anything; upon rereading the story, I realized he was actually kneeling when his executioner gets shot. Unfortunately, his hands and legs are still bound, so there's not a lot he can do.

I've also added a few more descriptions of both Shahid's rescuer and the desert sunset. Trimming out some wordy description and fixing an awkward paragraph left me with just enough to describe a desert sunset and one of Shahid's rescuers.

blackbird223 t1_jc5ivol wrote on March 14, 2023 at 4:41 AM

Also, you might want to watch your autocorrect: I think it must have changed "Shahid" to "Rashid" once in your comment.

Blu_Spirit t1_jc541i2 wrote on March 14, 2023 at 2:31 AM

Blackbird,

I love this story, how you describe Shahid, both in appearance and personality. Also the description of the compound (prison?) that he had been incarcerated in was fantastic.

Some small crit here - This paragraph felt a little disorganzied to me.

>As he shambled over, he took some grim satisfaction at the many other guards that fell in behind him. He had been captured by an extremist group while trying to gain evidence of the horrific crimes they had committed, but the troops sent to seize him hadn’t expected a six-foot-four giant using a telephoto lens as a flail. He’d sent three men to the infirmary.

The phrase "guards that fell in behind him" to me indicates that they are following him in a single file line. Maybe a better way to explain it would be "he took some grim satisfaction at the memory of the guards that he had taken down with him. The troops sent to seize him as he tried to gain evidence of their horrific crimes were not prepared for a six-foot-four giant using a telephoto lens as a flail. He'd sent three men to the infirmary before being subdued." Just a suggestion, take it with a grain of salt (I know word count may get in the way here, too).

I would like to see more of the sniper. Why does she get credit for saving him? Is she the squad leader, or just the best shot?

Overall, though, you painted a wonderful scene within the constraints here, and have definitely caught my interest in this story and what they do next!

blackbird223 t1_jc5iezf wrote on March 14, 2023 at 4:37 AM

Hey Blu_Spirit, thanks for the crit!

I'm going to ask you a question. How much did I actually describe Shahid and the compound, and how much did I let the reader fill in? I don't believe I described the compound that much, and the only concrete details I gave of Shahid's appearance were his height (6'4" or 193 cm) and build ("giant").

Thanks for pointing out that paragraph, though. It contained a lot of exposition awkwardly crammed into a very small space, and your suggestion got me to come up with a much better- and even more concise- formulation.

I now explain why Keener, the sniper, is credited with saving Shahid: she shot the guy who was about to execute him. That said, she's definitely the best shot, and probably the brains of the squad- snipers have to do a surprising amount of math to line up their shot. Honestly, I wish I could have talked more about Keener, but it just didn't feel right for this story. I've had both her and Shahid in my head for way, way too long, and I'm a bit glad I finally got to put them down on (virtual) paper.

Blu_Spirit t1_jc8bi6x wrote on March 15, 2023 at 12:45 AM

I think that your descriptions of both the compound and Shahid were perfect. Clear enough to get us started, but not overloading us. Even some of the way he walks, and the background, adds to the mental imagery of his character. As does little things like the compound having an execution spot away from the buildings, which probably have small, blacked out windows to limit light. His ability to take out three soldiers using his camera as a weapon only adds to the idea of his physique - I picture someone strong and agile.

Perhaps they can come up in some other stories, because I would love to see more of these characters.