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FyeNite t1_jc445xp wrote

Hey gaborrero!

Wow, you managed to tell so much story in so few words. I really like how you focused on Katherine here, and all in one location too. I like how you used her interaction with another person to show what kind of person she was. And to even then explain that away. So much characterisation going on here.

I think you also did a great job of setting the mood of this story. Relaxed and uncaring. We focus pretty heavily on Katherine, and I like how the barista isn't even given a chance to properly explain himself.

Very well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> Her fingers glided easily across the ergonomic surface of her keyboard that her eyes never even focused on once.

The second bit of this sentence is worded a bit oddly. I'm not too sure how you can fix it per see, but maybe removing it could work? Or maybe saying that her eyes were glued to the screen could help?

> She didn't spare him so much as a glance, even as he continued to stand there, waiting for who-knew-what.

A small tense thing here but I believe you want "who-knows-what" here.

> Katherine picked up her cup and took a sip of her latte. She set it down with a loud CLINK and went back to typing, not sparing him another glance.

With a story so short I felt like this line was a bit too wordy for what's actually happening. She just takes a sip and continues to ignore him. So I think just saying that in fewer words could help.

One final thing, what is she reporting on? What is this bombshell that's got her so worked up? I liked the twist that you had with the twenty followers but I think more could help. Pick something dumb like a vegetable conspiracy and really finish off that twist.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

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