Hey Kat!

Hehe, I loved the commentary here. You have some hilarious moments like the TNI comment and all the different uniform descriptions, haha. I think you did a fantastic job characterising the two kids too! Even without dialogue tags, I could make out who was who here with the speech.

Also lol, I loved that twist ending. The coach was clearly fed up with the game and just wanted to end the class. So hey, everyone's a loser, haha.

One specific detail that I liked here was where you had the game situated. On the disused tennis court. It pretty much tells us everything we need to know about how the teachers of the school view the great game of dodgeball, thereby setting up some of the other jokes going forward.

So really well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Blessed with plenty of space, crabapple and sycamore trees lined dappled asphalt paths.

I do think you might want just a little more here. You mention the trees, but is there anything more? Maybe something about hills or forests in the distance? Everything was neatly mowed grass? Just something more to this beautiful description, basically.

> Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening’s fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, Cotton was nevertheless the clear leader, as Pepper’s slightly slumped shoulders attested.

I think there's just a bit of repetition of names here. I think using a few pronouns instead could work better because you've already established who you're talking about. So something like:

"Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening's fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, he was nevertheless the clear leader, as his friend's slightly slumped shoulders attested."

Maybe that could work?

> “They’re looking good, Pepper. In fine form. And aren’t those new uniforms great?”

> “Yes indeed, Cotton. The school has done well with the new gym uniforms… And wow! Look at them go Straight through the metal gate and onto the court.”

I think you just repeated the bit about the uniforms here.

"And aren’t those new uniforms great?"

And,

"The school has done well with the new gym uniforms…"

Both seemed like introductions to the uniforms. Like two different ways to bring our attention to them for the first time, if that makes sense. Maybe cutting one?

Also, the second bit of the second paragraph made me think that the uniforms were running through the gate for a second. Probably didn't help that I originally read it as the gate still being closed, haha. Just a small thing.

> And, if you remember nothing else, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

Just a bit of repetition of "if you" here a little close together. Hmm, not sure how you could change that though...

> the Right-side-out captain whined.

And finally, the name for the uniforms. It's named two different things I believe:

"right-way-round shirts"

And,

"Right-side-out"

I'm not sure if that was intentional though. However, considering the other team goes by a consistent name, I'll leave this here in case it wasn't.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!