Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

oracleofaal t1_jc98hqn wrote

Nathaniel sat down on a bench as the sun sank below the horizon on a cloudy summer’s eve. He scanned the pages of his newspaper idly. A second gentleman in a blue suit arrived, perched on the other end of the bench, and stared at the swift current of the river just beyond the footpath.

After a few minutes, the silence was broken by a question from Nathaniel.

“Eddie, you ever read the Seer section of the paper?”

Eddie looked at the paper in Nathaniel’s hands and scoffed. “Why would I bother? It’s just prophetic drivel, no more real than the horoscope section. I wouldna taken you for someone to waste their time.”

“Not usually, no.” Cocking his head he continued, “but something caught my eye today. ‘A one-eyed man stabs a man in a blue suit six times in the back.’ And here we are.” Nathaniel looked intently at the man sitting next to him.

“Is this a joke or somethin’?” Eddie chortled. “You’re not the only one-eyed man in the world, and I ain’t the only bloke in a blue suit. Besides, we’ve known each other since kindergarten. I’d bet the seer is really just the editors' mad lib puzzle for the day. I mean who’s gonna call them out if they’re wrong?” He wrung his hands for a moment before catching himself then sat back on the bench slowly, weaving his fingers behind his head.

“Nah, you’re probably right,” Nathaniel replied and folded the paper gently, setting it between them, the Seer section face up with the prophecy circled in red. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve got any reason to harm you. Like you said, we’ve been friends since kindergarten. A well-seasoned friendship, you might say. Had our ups and downs, sure, but all friends do.” He shrugged, smiled thinly, and touched the crow’s feet forming at the edge of his glass eye.

Eddie dropped his hands and turned toward Nathaniel. “Man, I thought you’d forgiven me for that? You know it was an accident. I got distracted by a pretty lady walking by and the dart went sideways. How many times do I gotta say I’m sorry? Although, I still think you got the better end of that deal since you got to marry her.”

“Yeah,” Nathaniel sighed ruefully, “I did get to do that.”

Whip fast Nathaniel pulled out a knife and stabbed it into his friend’s throat. Eddie’s eyes widened and a gurgle was the only sound he made as he scrabbled to grab the knife. Nathaniel pulled it out and Eddie toppled forward onto the grass holding his torn throat.

Nathaniel knelt over him, whispered, “Friends don’t fuck friend’s wives,” then stabbed the fornicator six times in the back. As he bled out, Nathaniel rolled him over the footpath and into the river.

He went back to the bench, picked up the newspaper, folded it around the knife, and tossed it in the river.

“The Seer got one right at least.”

______________________________________________________

WC: 499 All feedback is appreciated.

6

LivelyFox3737 t1_jc9bvzo wrote

Love this. Flowed beautifully from start to finish. I liked how the "thin smile" efficiently changed gears for the story.

I chortled something wicked at this on my second read-through:

>but something caught my eye today

I wondered if it was realistic for Eddie to mention their bonds since kindergarten when he was so oblivious to the impending trouble. Then again, considering the depth of his betrayal, perhaps his guilty conscious couldn't help it. So I'm on the fence about it, which probably isn't helpful crit at all! I'm a self-confessed crap critiquer.

Good story, good characters, and good writing!

1

oracleofaal t1_jcd4cv2 wrote

Thanks! I struggle on the 'helpful crit' front also when it comes to anything but spelling and grammar, lol. I understand what you're driving at though and can say that I was on the fence about it when writing it.

2

FyeNite t1_jcbcbf2 wrote

Hey oracle!

Wow, this was good. Like, really good. I loved just the casual nature of this, the building tension underneath. Just everything about it.

> “Yeah,” Nathaniel sighed ruefully, “I did get to do that.”

Lines like this for instance. That classic moment where you think all the tension has gone until suddenly, it all snaps. And I think you execute that switch so well.

Not to mention the mirthlessness this sentence has too.

Very very well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> He scanned the pages of his newspaper idly until a second gentleman in a blue suit perched on the other end of the bench and stared at the swift current of the river just beyond the footpath.

This was just a super long sentence. I'd suggest cutting it down some? Or maybe adding a period or two.

> he scrabbled to grab the knife. Nathaniel pulled the knife out

There was just a bit of repetition of "knife" here. I think you could very easily remove one.

> “The Seer got one right at least.”

And finally, did it though? The Seer predicted that the person would be stabbed in the back, right? But Eddie wasn't. He was stabbed in the throat. Or are you taking a different meaning of stabbed in the back here?

I hope this helps.

God Words!

1

oracleofaal t1_jcd5k62 wrote

Thanks Fye!

I'm sure if the edit of that sentence is better or worse but we'll find out in campfire I imagine.

Removed the knife repetition, I must have missed it in the last edit.

And Eddie was stabbed in the back six times. He just also happened to be stabbed in the throat. So the Seer was mostly right? I debated the ending the most I think and rewrote it several times.

2