I was drinking another bottle of Vodka when Brother James approached me with a few exorcism assignments.

"Bevra? Baron of 6th Hell? Pfft, that's small fucking fry. You should know by now I'm only called upon to take on the big bad boys," I snorted.

James bowed and showed another assignment. Mammon. Duke of Greed in the 9th Hell. Now we're talking. Now, this is the sort of challenge I live for. Can't wait to fuck this one up and show him who's boss. But first, I still have to attend one of those boring customary mission briefings.

James reminded me not to be rude, and no profanities in the presence of the cardinal. Eh, kid, you seem to be forgetting, you might not like my ways, but I'm the best exorcist you got. I just love this job so much, well, most of it, besides the boring briefings.

Ah yes, Mammon is wrecking shit in New York again. I nod, smile, and pretend to pay attention while the cardinal is yapping away. He glares at the vodka bottle I brought into the room but doesn't say anything. Of course, he doesn't mention it, the one time he objected to my drinking habits, I just went on a month-long sabbath, munching popcorn while a few demons trash a few towns.

So I take my rosary, my exorcism book, and a bottle of water. Is that water holy? Eh, who gives a fuck, I never really needed to sprinkle it at all. Looking for Mammon isn't hard at all, he's a big, dumb, greedy brute tearing his way through food factories and stuffing his face with anything that fits into his gigantic mouths.

I telepathically whisper into his ears in the ancient language. Told him to play my game, then fuck off and crawl his fucking way back to Hell. His eyes widen once he sees it's me, and he gets the hint. Maybe not so dumb after all. He raises his arms and flails about while I read these lame-ass prayers from the book. Sprinkle a bit of water on his face, and he's ready to head home to Hell.

Easy-peasy. All in a day's work, just posing, prancing, and praying for a bit before I tell them to beat it and fuck off back home to Hell. I love how easy it is to rake in good money.

I guess I ain't the only one because there is this little demon kid shuddering in the corner, watching me at work.

"I want to be powerful like you too," the kid declared. "How you take a perfectly human shape and just send them packing like that."

"Just give it a few million years and you might just get there," I tell him plainly. "Stay alive long enough while building power."

"I can't build power if everyone keeps robbing me or laughing at how human and simple my name is. Teach me your ways, oh great and wise President Haagenti. I want to be a President and a member of the 72 demons of Ars Goetia just like you!"

Cute. I'll take this kid with me. His human form is very rough around the edges, but there's definitely some raw talent I can work with. After all, it does take a powerful demon to truly assume a convincing human form, so the kid is halfway there. Maybe we can form an exorcist duo, chewing bubble gum, drinking wine, and kicking the asses of other demons.

I swirl the "holy" water bottle, turn it into wine and offer it to the demon kid. Tell me your name, kiddo.

["I'm Amy. Soon-to-be-President Amy."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_(demon)