"We are gathered here today, to join this couple in marriage. If anyone has any legal objection—" A scuffling noise broke out in the back. The officiant raised his voice louder.

"If anyone has any legal objection to this union, may they speak now, or forever—" More sounds rose from the back, including a muffled curse. The officiant's smile became brittle.

"May they speak now or forever hold their— Will you stop it!" Heads turned, as the officiant's face went red. Rising from the back row, a hooded trenchcoat stood as if it had forgotten how gravity worked. Things didn't seem to be quite in the right place, the arms too short, the legs oddly stumpy to give it the height needed. A squeaky sort of voice echoed from the depths of the hood.

"We object." Simultaneously there was a giggle from the middle of the coat. "We object to the groom's face." The officiant started forward, tail whipping angrily behind him, but the groom laid a surprisingly small hand on his arm.

"I'll handle this." Turning, in a both smooth and jerky motion, the groom faced the back. A large smile split his cheeks.

"And I object to your odour, but you don't see me ruining your wedding... If you could get anyone to marry you." There was a chorus of 'oohs' from the crowd, as they swivelled their heads between the two. This was much more entertaining than a traditional wedding. The trenchcoat reeled a little, clasping the scaly hands to the chest as if wounded, then turning it into a rude gesture.

"Well, does the bride know what she's getting into? After all, there's a lot of cleanup involved with you." The groom flinched, and the bride leaned closer. And closer. A frown crossed the beautiful half-elven face. She squinted, before pulling out a pair of very thick glasses. Settling them on her nose, she let out a perfect little scream.

"You're not Steve! Who are you?" She squeaked. The groom, his three-piece suit starting to bulge in odd places bowed slightly to the officiant, again to the bride, and then rolled up his sleeves.

"That's it! You've messed with my scam for the last time! Get over here!" He bounded down the aisle, and it was evident to everyone present, this was not a single person in a suit. This was a collective.

The trenchcoat giggled again and took off, rounding the edge of the seating and dashing up towards the front. They passed each other in the middle, hurling insults.

"Fat-head!"

"Knobby-knees!"

"Hold on!" The legs on the trenchcoat stopped, and there was a three-body pileup before they put themselves in order. In the center aisle, the groom halted as well.

"Which one of us has the knobby knees? Is it Lyle?" The trenchcoat squeaked.

"I'll tell you, if you tell me who you called fat-head. It can't be me..." The only visible goblin preened slightly, while still scowling. A few of the more delicate wedding guests nearly lost their lunch.

"And if it was you?" That voice emanated from the bottom of the trenchcoat, and was definitely feminine. The goblin scowled, edging down a nearby empty row of seats.

"Me? How could you Lisa? I thought we had something special... once." He said, sounding a little upset.

"Yeah, well. Things change don't they? That's what you told us when you broke our hearts." The top kobold responded, pushing the deep hood back to expose its face. There were actual tears in the eyes.

"We had to say that, our clan would have thrown us out if we kept the relationship going." Shifting further down the seats, the goblins in the suit reached within arm's length of the kobolds. The wedding guests held their breaths, ignoring the now crying bride.

"And did it work? Are you still part of your clan?" The kobolds asked, all three at once, their voices soft. Slowly, the arms piloting the goblin suit stretched out, laying hands gently on the trenchcoat.

"You know the answer to that, or you wouldn't be here. We were expelled for other reasons. So... there's nothing stopping us from—" The voice cut off as the kobolds in the trenchcoat wrapped their arms around the goblins in their suit. Every single part of the two coalitions embraced, making both of them fall to the ground in unorganized heaps.

When they disentangled themselves and reformed in their respective clothing, the two visible heads—now different from before— nodded at each other. They made their way up the aisle to where the officiant was looking flabbergasted, his tail swishing from side to side. The kobolds pushed the half-elven bride to the side, with a good deal of satisfaction.

"Sit down, toots. This ain't your wedding anymore."

The officiant raised an eyebrow, his scaly face wrinkling, as the groom whispered in his ear.

"Very well." He muttered. Raising his voice, he addressed the crowd.

"Dearly beloved, we are here today to join this... group... together in holy matrimony. If anyone has any legal objections to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace." The officiant paused, looking as if he would like to eat anyone who interrupted him again.

"Great. Now, let's get on with it."

The officiant had come to do a wedding, and by all that was holy, there would be a wedding tonight.

—————————

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