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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu45vub wrote

"The prophecy clearly states that any such warrior must be of a young age, most likely a teenager— "


The cleric ignored the exclamation from the throne. They'd all gotten into the habit of ignoring the Queen and her odd ideas.

"So through a rigorous process of tests, we have decided—"

"A teenager?"

The cleric cleared their throat, darting an annoyed look at the throne.

"We have decided— "

"I will not listen to this any longer!" The voice cracked through the throne room like a whip through butter. Collapsing his scroll the cleric turned viciously towards the throne, only to be met with an equally vicious glare, as his Queen gripped the armrests of her gilded seat.

"Your Majesty," he said, the condescension dripping in his voice. "The prophe— "

"You want me to send a godsdamned teenager to fight when we have trained soldiers!" The queen rose, striding towards the cleric. "Have you finally sacrificed your mind to your deity Brother Anself? This idea is ludicrous."

Her nose inches from the cleric's she snarled at him, low and unable to be heard by the rest of the gathered officials.

"I will not let some innocent child be led into this by your kind. Not again. Not like what happened to— " Her voice cracked, but she rallied in an instant. "Not like what happened to me."

The cleric flinched back from the venom in her voice, the scroll crumpling under suddenly white knuckles. He'd never seen the Queen like this. Never seen their— raised to the throne by the priesthood— Queen, fight back against what a cleric said. Her eyes glowed with a strange light, the room seeming to darken around her.

"You can't stop—"

"I will do whatever I please Anself. Or have you forgotten that your kind invested me with ultimate power and rule? Oh, you did it to enact your own selfish ends, never thinking I could use it against you. But I can. And I will."

The Queen raised her arms, turning to the gathered crowd. Everyone was leaning forward, trying to hear what the two could possibly have been whispering about. They shifted back as the Queen started to speak.

"This growing menace of the Dark Lord in our land is horrifying. The prophecy calls for a teenager, an untried and pure-at-heart teenager. I believe this is absolute bullshit. But prophecy is never wrong. And so," She smiled viciously at the crowd. "And so. I will go against the Dark Lord."

There was a whimper from the cleric behind her. The crowd around them shuffled their feet in a concerted attempt to look anywhere but at their Queen.

"But I will not go alone! I will bring my elite soldiers from every corner of my castle and kingdom. And of course," She turned the predatory smile on Anself, who had crushed the scroll into a tiny ball. "Of course, I will need the priesthood around me, the deity's blessing." Anself actually cowered, moving away.

"Your Majesty!" A voice called out from the crowd, and she looked back, questioningly.

"Your Majesty, if prophecy is never wrong, you'll need a teenager! What about that?"Before responding, the Queen hissed at Anself.

"Drop it." He knew what she meant and dropped the magic that surrounded her with a hand gesture. The air warped and seemed to bend, as the guise of a woman in her forties disappeared, leaving a young girl in its place. The Queen smiled at the reactions in the crowd.

"I am but seventeen years old. I am the teenager. And I will go."

She turned and swept out of the room, a cowering cleric running in her wake. With the prophecy and her declaration, the balance of power had shifted in the castle and things would never be the same.


Visit r/Mel_Rose_Writes for more stories!


aichi38 t1_iu5q15s wrote

Level 20 adventurer gonna get stuff done


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6dehl wrote

Definitely! Thank you for reading!


Dragon_OS t1_iu8eplu wrote

Is she like a jellyfish?


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu8pc6n wrote

I'm not sure I understand the question, but thank you for reading!


Dragon_OS t1_iuaf6gi wrote

Did she 'reset' herself to a younger state so she became eligible for the prophecy?


Mooses_little_sister t1_iuamf7u wrote

Ah, I see now. As u/VoidTheNoob said, it was illusion magic, that the priesthood was using to make her look older, but she was actually a teenager/young person all along!


VoidTheNoob t1_iu8uzlb wrote

No the cleric was using magic to disguise the teenager of a queen was an adult and has presumably been doing so for a long time and had just stopped using his magic on her/dropping the illusionary sorry to refresh that she was actually a teen.


CrossSlashEx t1_iu76027 wrote

NewGame+ time, and there will be destruction in it's wake.


TriTexh t1_iu7ky40 wrote

When you know how the game ends and you're going in with a single-minded focus on ripping and tearing until it is done


MolhCD t1_iu7lce4 wrote

"eh, they just gave the enemy a bit more health and damage. see? you just keep clear at this moment, dodge behind at this point...anddd done."


TehMvnk t1_iu7ttup wrote

He was a hunter of the purple buffalo.


booksbb t1_iu5vze8 wrote

"Have you finally sacrificed your mind to your diety, Brother Anself?"
That line is amazing. Absolutely cracked me up!

Edited to fix the quote properly:)


GentlePenetration t1_iu4a7h1 wrote

Kind of strange.

She doesn't want teenagers involved but gets herself involved, knowing she herself is actually a teenager (which completely comes out of left field with no foreshadowing), by for the first time ever working against the clergy? And she isn't actually aging?

Writing style is nice but the plot mechanics itself are kind of all over the place.


zulako17 t1_iu4fzdg wrote

I don't think it's as off as you're saying. 1) it's not that she doesn't want teenagers involved. Its that she doesn't want to sacrifice a teenager who doesn't understand what they're stepping into. Especially since it sounds like the priest was going to send the teenager alone. 2) while she might not be aging, I don't see why you assumed the case. She could have been recently appointed to throne or served up to 4 years and still would have been a teenager when she took the throne.

That said I definitely think her being a teenager was more because it's a plot twist than anything else.


mattzuma77 t1_iu4vrnr wrote

I thought that the fact she appeared in her 40s was a twist lol; "I don't want an innocent teenager going to battle, but we need a teenager, so I'll go instead"


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6eocr wrote

Hello! It wasn't really just for a plot twist, but I did enjoy it as one. I based the character off of someone I read about in one of Ursala K. Le Guin's novels, though I could never hope to match her talent.

Also I agree with your numbered points, and because the girl was simply a mouthpiece, she only had to be old enough to speak clearly the words they gave her, when she ascended the throne.

Thank you for reading!


UpstairsIntel t1_iu5yu0v wrote

Having a gimmick or plot twist for the sake of having one is a terrible reason to have one. Just tell us what actually happened; you were writing and forgot where you were headed so you came up with something before checking with what was already established/made sense, so we got a plot twist that made 0 sense. It’s ok, it happens.


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6f6ra wrote

Thank you for reading and engaging! I didn't have the plot twist just for the sake of having one, but I know that I probably didn't put enough foreshadowing in to give a hint of the twist. (which can happen when I don't have a lot of time to edit... stupid full time job.)

I was heading for the idea of her being a teenager and rebelling against the priesthood, for the first time in front of witnesses so that she could escape from under their thumb, and hopefully perhaps take them down.


throwaway47138 t1_iu4j926 wrote

As I see it, she refuses to let them sacrifice another teenager for their goals, one who knows nothing and is essentially just another victim. She's already a victim, and she's well aware of what she's getting into. Plus, she apparently has some power on her side, not to mention likely her own people who are loyal to her rather than the priesthood. Yes, her being a glamoured teenager is a little bit Deus Ex Machina, but I still liked it.


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6fc1k wrote

Thank you! And yeah, a little Deus Ex Machina, but if the ancient greeks used to do it, I can do it too once in a while :)


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6ebvv wrote

Hello! Thank you for reading and engaging. I was more thinking along the lines of the priesthood raised her for the throne, but because they controlled every decision, every word out of her mouth, every part and parcel of her life, she didn't have to be very old when she took the throne. Just old enough to speak. (You are probably right about the foreshadowing, but it was a shorter piece and sometimes I struggle with that when I don't have a lot of time to edit. )

She is aging, as usual for a human, and has hit the rebellious teenager stage... which is why she is for the first time rebelling against the clergy. And she did it, in front of everyone so the priesthood couldn't sweep it under the rug.

And like another commenter said, she doesn't want another teenager getting involved, so she's going herself. (And maybe she can run away from the priesthood, or arrange some interesting accidents for them along the way.)


scottyspot t1_iu6qi7g wrote

I figured she had the power do de-age herself to 17 from say, 45.


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6qwy0 wrote

Thank you for reading! It could be as you said, and if perhaps I was to make this a feature-length story sometime down the road, I may use that idea, or fidget with the age so it makes a little more sense.


allagrl t1_iu4r8yn wrote

Personally, it would have made more sense if they said she was 18 or 19, if they were going off of real history. But even still...


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6fgz8 wrote

True, if I was going off of real history, but I wasn't really. It was more supposed to be a fantasy story :) Thank you for reading!


cvc_tli t1_iu7toa6 wrote

I understood it as she didn't want more teenagers involved. She was already involved - she was a teenager installed as the Queen by the priests (hence the disdain and lack of respect) with an aging glamour to fool the masses. Thus, she's doing the quest instead of another teenager, seeing as she fulfills the prophecy.


Phage0070 t1_iu5ldbm wrote

Also in a practical sense how do you install a queen that is supposedly in her forties but is actually much younger? How would you explain where she came from if you are missing a good 20 or so years from her life? How do you fake the parentage of a queen?


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6fpl9 wrote

Hello! Thank you for reading and engaging! I was going with the idea of her being installed with an illusion of course, when she was very young, but at least able to speak clearly, as she is just a mouthpiece for the priesthood.

(The snarky answer of course, to how you fake a parentage, is you do it cleverly. But it's said in a joking manner :)


Phage0070 t1_iu6n2uc wrote

> I was going with the idea of her being installed with an illusion of course, when she was very young, but at least able to speak clearly, as she is just a mouthpiece for the priesthood.

What I was getting at is that even if she was installed when she was 10 years old and given a script to read from, she would have an illusion to make her look 30-something years old. But unless she was emulating someone who actually existed, that person would apparently have come out of thin air. How would they get around the concept that this woman who was presumably a princess or some kind of royalty beforehand had never been met or even seen before that point?


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6qi3x wrote

There could have been a sudden death of the previous king/queen, who left behind no legitimate heir, so that the country had to be scoured for a bastard child, or a cousin, or a remote relative. If the priesthood was on top of things, they could have even murdered the king/queen, when they were ready to have their puppet put on the throne, and then after a good amount of searching had elapsed, present her as the fully-fledged 30-year-old that is the best option around. They might even pick the look of someone that actually existed and murder them too to cover their tracks. (Of course if the priesthood is that good, it might be difficult to get away from them/dismantle them)

But yeah, if I was writing a feature-length story, I might change the age, or work out the plot holes a little more in the edits so that it is easier to enjoy!

Cheers, and once again thanks for reading!


headoftheasylum t1_iu7fosk wrote

I'm surprised by all the criticism! This is a short story prompt, people aren't expected to write novels explaining the plot line and history of the magic realm the characters live in.


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu8pmb8 wrote

Thank you for reading! I was a bit surprised too, but they do have some interesting points, which I'll store away in my brain for future stories that might be longer.


MrRedoot55 t1_iu6qnpi wrote

Hopefully this manages to be resolved without excess bloodshed.

Nice work.


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6r3zb wrote

Thank you! Hopefully it is resolved without extra bloodshed, but I don't think the queen would mind if it was the priest's blood that was shed. :)


MrRedoot55 t1_iu6ri0f wrote

With how the priesthood manipulated her, I wouldn’t be surprised by her finding solace in one of its members being slain.


AuthorWK_Bennett t1_iu6suop wrote

I liked it, it gives a fantasy element, although I wish there was a bit more imagery. So I could immerse myself deeper within the story. All in all it was a great read.


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu729hu wrote

Thank you for reading! I do tend to ignore describing things, and using imagery unless I directly focus on it, or put it in afterwards. Sometimes I forget you can't see inside my head.


602fay t1_iu7c3t2 wrote

I like it, but you dampen the impact of a big moment, of course this is a very small amount of the writing but I wouldn’t put a dozen words between “Not like what happened to—“ and her continuing “Not like what happened to me”


Mooses_little_sister t1_iu7fnoj wrote

Thank you for reading! It is a choice to put in the separation, and perhaps I may make a different choice next time. But I'm glad you liked it overall :)


Mooses_Other_Sibling t1_iubjd23 wrote

This was fascinating. Very well written. Great stylistic choices. I loved the plot twist and I totally understood what you were going for. It's a wonderful short story and I'm glad it has gotten the admiration of most because that is what it deserves. Congratulations on such a great idea. Thank you to the prompter. This was an excellent prompt.


Mooses_little_sister t1_iubkr3i wrote

Aww Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it and understood the plot twist! Also definitely thanks to the prompter, it was a very fun prompt!