Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

Cringehipster t1_iuevyau wrote

“I’m not demeaning your work, but you’re doing a horrid job at maintaining the infrastructure. And I’ve met plenty of groomed trolls who don’t smell like you.”

“How dare you. I put lots of sweat into this bridge.”

“I sweat too, but the difference here is that I take a bath once in while. I admire your passion, but we need to change it up a little.”

“What do you mean?”

“No more tolls. We’ll pay you on behalf of the kingdom.”

“But I like the Troll Toll rhyme.”

“I like it too, but we have to think about the big picture. The more we don’t charge for roads, the better. A citizen should be able to travel the roads to spend money at local businesses.”

“That makes sense.”

“It’s nothing against you or how you run things. I find myself admiring your work, just not your stench.”

“I’ll take a bath.”

“You’ll find that you’ll attract more females with that attitude.”


RoboJoe9000 OP t1_iuf43ei wrote

It feels like it's missing something, but I like it. Thanks for writing! :)


Cringehipster t1_iufg1wd wrote

Thank you. I have the same feeling as well, I think later on, I'll find out :)


RoboJoe9000 OP t1_iufpf3g wrote

I'm sure you will with that attitude! I see plenty of potential in your writing. :) If I took my non-expert non-writer guess I think adding more descriptive words or more personality to the text might have helped. Something to give more of a feel for the characters personalities or emotions and/or more details about the scene or what's going on around them or some kind of context to things about where and why they are, if that makes sense. If I took a guess I think the missing piece is somewhere in those details, but I couldn't say with any confidence.


not_quite_graceful t1_iufjws2 wrote

I might know what it’s missing. Narration, perhaps? That’s just my thought, though.