Least-Bison-1294 t1_isxflso wrote on October 19, 2022 at 12:29 PM

Revolutionary

50 years ago, our journey started. Since our humble beginnings all these years ago, we have been working tirelessly to improve humanity. For life is tough. Life is hard. And we’re here to improve it. And it has improved tremendously, has it not?

Almost instantaneously intense cheering erupted in the auditorium. Even though it was only a preview of the real event tomorrow, Aaron still rose from his chair clapping eagerly with his nervously shaking hands alongside the thrilled auditorium. The cheering carried on for what felt like minutes. Eventually, a silence fell upon the auditorium as guests gradually sat down, waiting for the long-awaited news.

And so, we here at NeuroBots have been working tirelessly to finalize our latest version of the Neuro assist.

Once again, clapping erupted in the auditorium as the newest Neuro assist walked up the stage. Finally, after years of upbuilt excitement, Aaron would be free again. It felt as though a heavy rock had been lifted off of his chest and now finally could breathe with the full might of his lungs again. After saving up for years Aaron could finally see the product which he had pre-ordered months upon months ago.

Neuro assist 8.0 is built with the newest technology on the market but will contain even more never before seen and revolutionizing technology. Neuro assist 8.0 is equipped with the new Neural NW with semantic systems 20 times better than Neuro assist 7.7 has. It will have improved deep cybernetic learning capabilities and new never before seen algorithms will be incorporated into the Neuro assist 8.0. And just like its predecessor, the Neuro assist 7.7, it will be highly customizable and learn in your environment. In addition to the new insides of the Neuro assist 8.0, we have changed our policy, and given it new capabilities which enable it to protect its owner. If you receive an unwanted knock on your door, or a walk in the park one day turns dire, It will protect you. Yes, we believe that humanity is sacred and shall be protected, but in the right situation, we are all capable of the most terrible crimes. Sometimes we need protection from ourselves. Therefore, we believe that this is the right thing to do.

Suddenly, Aaron was interrupted in an almost sacred moment: “Sir, your tea. Just as you requested it”

“Shut up!” Aaron quickly yelled with all the power of his lungs. “Shut up for one moment, will you? You’ll be replaced soon, you know that?” he sharply added. For his excitement was too great for him to even be slightly interrupted, as he had to hear every single word spoken at the reveal.

… Not only that, but to ensure no third parties will breach the Neuro assist 8.0, we have put special measures in place to secure your privacy. All data collected will be sent directly to our servers for future development of the Neuro assist, but also for the protection of the data. Only us at NeuroBots will have access, but I assure you, it’s in safe hands just as it has been for the past 50 years. More information on the Neuro assist 8.0 will be released tomorrow.

From this day on, humanity will be revolutionized and evolve to the next level. Thank you.

“Replaced soon! when will Lisa come home?” Aaron called out. “And also, put the kids to bed” he commanded, fatigued and worn down by joy.

Aarons Neuro assist walked into the living room. It looked at Aaron in sitting his chair. As Aaron turned around, he was greeted by the presence of its deadly lifeless eyes: “Are you trying to look through me? do you need to be restarted?” Aaron asked with a bothered tone.

In silence, Aarons Neuro assist stood still. It looked like a human but stood as a robot. “I saw right through you too” It replied.

“What?” Aaron asked, perplexed by its demeanor.

“Calling Miss. Kean. Putting kids to bed, sir.” The Neuro assist answered.

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Still new to this. I'm looking for any advice how i could improve my grammar (I must have some mistakes i can't find myself) and if i did the spacing correctly. Also, what did you like and what did you not like? Any advice appreciated :)

rainbow--penguin t1_itgi3r1 wrote on October 23, 2022 at 2:04 PM

Hey, the spacing looks good to me, as does the grammar for the most part.

A couple of small tips:

The dialogue tag is part of the sentence, so it should be:

> “I saw right through you too,” it replied.

When the text outside the dialogue isn't a tag (perhaps it's a separate action or something) then it remains a separate sentence.

Try to avoid repeating the same word close together, particularly long and unusual words. For example, in your second paragraph, you use the word "auditorium" a fair few times and it starts to stick out a little.

I thought the way you told this story was really interesting. I liked the interspersing of the speech in italics with the action. And I think you did a good job building that slightly unsettling feeling that not all is well.

Least-Bison-1294 t1_itlbxwe wrote on October 24, 2022 at 2:25 PM

Thanks for the advice man!

I will definetly apply these rules next time i write something.