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armageddon_20xx t1_ismfdcg wrote

"Apples are stupid, they don't even taste good."

"But what a nutrient-filled fruit! Apples make for strong people."

"One cannot live on apples alone."

"This does not make apples stupid, as you say."

"There is such variety of fruits out there, why choose apples?"

"Apples have a well-defined core, for one."

"Cores don't matter. Taste is what matters, and let me tell you about oranges. So juicy."

"There is far more to life than taste. Substance, for example."

"The flesh is temporal, taste is pretty much all that matters."

"Only in your twisted vision, Satan."

"I mean, if what you really want is for them to not touch the apples, you could do with less tasty fruit. Figs are native and would be a far better choice."

"The fruit must be tempting, or else there won't be a choice at all."

"Choices are boring. Just put the most scrumptious fruit out there for all to enjoy. What's the point of all this runaround?"

"We've been over this a thousand times Satan, but we need choices to make our world interesting. Your vision of the world will be as boring as all the predetermined ones that came before it."

"God, those predetermined worlds were good because they were optimal. Here we've created something so subpar that I almost don't want to put my name on it."

"Well, your role in this world is to lead them to quick decisions with ugly consequences, to encourage them to act on pure emotion instead of reason, and to close their minds, so your anti-choice nature makes perfect sense."

"So why do we have to do it your way again and use a stupid apple?"

"The apple is perfect. It is scrumptious enough to lead them to make a quick decision to grab one without thinking, yet unappealing enough for them to side with better judgment."

"It won't take me long to get them to eat it."

"I have more faith than that."

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ggandymann t1_isnyx0z wrote

The year is 2142, a class of young students wearing all white uniforms are sitting at their desks, watching a large monitor.A large screen blurred to life showing two men sitting on barstools in a diner."Bill, you massive tosser, you cannot believe that, provided you are good enough at suplexing, you can solve any problem?" one asked another "That argument doesn't make a lick of sense". Their argument faded out as an announcer began to speak. "The greatest scientists of our generation had their beginnings in this humble diner, the course of our entire histroy would have likely changed had the two not recently been recommended a video on academic rigour." The video tuned back into their conversation as the first topic was brought up. FTL travel.

A title card is brought up on the screen. "10 years later". Bill is shown having a heated argument with his professor. "But sir, the whole reason I came up with this theory was to declare that suplexing is indeed capable of causing FTL travel. You have to let me put this in my presentation!" The professor rubbed his eyelids. Years of dealing with a man who could only relate problems back to suplexing and yet seemed able to unravel the mysteries of the cosmos had taken their toll. The professor finally had a spark of inspiration; "this is a private feud between yourself and Dave. Surely you can just present the theory today and discuss it with him later?". Bill pondered a moment and then agreed, perhaps he had just suplexed his sense of propriety back on track.

A short montage of scientific discoveries was then shown on the screen. The two had sucessfully solved cold fusion, dark matter, ageing and even encryption. Just as the montage was showing several world leaders with neck braces talking at what was labeled as the last world peace summit, a little boy put his hand up. "If they solved ageing, where are they now?" he asked. The teacher responded, "they were last seen working on a time machine. Some say that they failed and disintigrated themselves, given their track record, I believe they proved multiverse theory."

​

Back in the same dingy diner where it all started, a noise can be heard and a flash of light can be seen outside.A strange man walked up to a duo of men watching some wrestling. He looked young but his face was plastered with an old rage. He grasped Bill by his waist and bent over, slamming his head into the ground. "I USED TO LIKE WRESTLING YOU ASSHOLE"

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