Robysto7 t1_isu481a wrote
"I don't get it, why are they using normal grunts like us on patrol when they've got the genetically enhanced soldiers now?" The plainclothes private asked the other guard as they approached my position. They had no idea I was close enough to hear them.
"Those guys get to go on black ops missions, real hush hush spy like shit. We do our jobs and one day we could get into the program. Gotta pay our dues first. This beats being in a war zone." The two undercover soldiers sauntered past me on the sidewalk of the cul de sac, the cookie cutter houses hiding dark secrets.
I silently crept out of the tall bushes behind them. The flip of a switchblade was the last sound the solider on my left heard as I sliced his throat. His brother in arms didn't have time to react. I disarmed him and dragged him into the bushes. I flipped the safety off and put the barrel of the M27 to his forehead, my knee pressing down on his neck.
"Where's Faust?" I growled at him.
"Like....like I would tell you that." The soldier choked out.
I covered his mouth to stop him from screaming as I stabbed him in the hip. I drug the knife slowly across his stomach. "Stop screaming. I'm gonna tear down this entire operation anyways, how about you make it easier for me? Your fate is already sealed."
The soldier followed orders and pointed across the street. I sliced his throat to dispose of him silently and hid the two in the bushes. "Botan come in. Over." A burst of static fizzled in my earpiece, hopefully Botan had done her job. After a few seconds her voice came over the line.
"I read ya Grimm. Sorry about the interference, should be fixed now. What's the sitch? Over."
"Located Faust's field lab. Beginning approach. Once I blow the door, you cut the power. Can you handle that on your end?" I asked even though I knew Botan knew what she was doing.
"Already backdoored into the security system, they'll be defenseless and in the dark. I'm just waiting for the drop. Over."
"Once I gain entry it's radio silence, I'll be at the rendezvous in one hour. Moving out. Over." I adjusted my night vision goggles and stalked across the well manicured lawns of the suburban neighborhood. Botan came over the line as I reached the door to the field lab.
"One last thing before you go silent Grimm. Take that bastard down. Over." Botan coldly said. The radio went dead. I set the C4 charge on the window and took cover. I took a deep breath before blowing the charge. Time to take this fucker down.
frostbytegold OP t1_isu7t62 wrote
Really cool.
Zealousideal-Ebb-876 t1_iswn5id wrote
I like it, good intruige with some good potential, I personally like feedback from my submissions even if I never get any, so I added a few things, if you could care less about my opinions then, by all means, ignore the rest of this long-winded comment.
Add more detail to combat, a quick kill is great in a movie but in reading it's far more gripping if you add as much detail as possible, within reason. It helps a reader visualize and even better if you write it with the emotion behind it, its hard to visualize an emotionless kill.
Dialogue is important but it more important to explain, or even better, to show the inner workings of a persons thought process. When you have the guard that just realized he was going to die no matter what he did, he just have in and told the protagonist what he needed to know. Why? Was he afraid he would be tortured further or did he feel morally conflicted about the situation? Did he feel he was redeeming himself at the end of maybe a not-so-honest career?
You have potential as a writer so I hope these don't come off as demeaning, try rewriting what you have here with those points in mind and I hope you'll see what I mean. Regardless of what I've said you still have some good work here and I hope you'll continue writing in the future.
2 quick notes if you care about realism; there's no benefit to using c4 on glass, it won't even fragment and turn the room beyond into a blender, it will just briefly and lightly sand blast the entire room, enough to blind someone staring straight at it but little else. Also, radio silence is only of value if it's imposed well outside the op zone for initial detection, for escape it would only be helpful if you made a quiet entrance and I can assure you they dont make silencers for plastics.
Zealousideal-Ebb-876 t1_iswnb88 wrote
Again, sorry for the long post, feel free to message me if you have any questions or would like some more input, I really do like what you did.
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