Baurusdavinci t1_itp4gee wrote on October 25, 2022 at 7:59 AM

Someone wakes up with no memory. They’re permanently inflicted with the worst pain imaginable, but also later realize they are immortal.

ChloeWrites OP t1_itp7v6q wrote on October 25, 2022 at 8:50 AM

I wake up, gasping for air. It's too dark to tell where I am. "Hello? Is anyone there?" I feel hot and cold at the same time. Sweat was drenching my gown. "Where am I? Who am I?"

"Settle down, Atom..." A cool, feminine voice rang from a distance. "You... You don't remember who you are?"

"I... No..." My chest heaved, shaking with every breath, teeth chattering. "Where am I, what happened to me? Who is Atom?!" Panic began to settle in me.

"I'm sorry... I'm not allowed to say where we are, Atom. As to what happened... Project ATOM was a success, however, you're body is permanently unstable. That pain you're feeling. It'll last the rest of your life."

"N... No... Make it stop! End me!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my heart rate accelerating faster than I could think. To say my body was on fire was a huge understatement.

"Atom, calm down if you don't..." The scientist stared with dread. "... Nevermind that... Just... Try to calm your mind. Think of a safe place you can retreat to." The scientist stepped closer.

"What... How?! The only safe place I had..." I blinked. Was my skin glowing before? "Why am I glowing?"

"Atom... Safe space. What is a safe memory that you carry?" The scientist continued with her gentle approach, hands raised to show she means no harm.

I was breathing heavily, trying to push the pain back. "Safe place... Safe place... Safe place..." I smiled, Sally's tail wagging as she chased the frisbee. Such a good German Shepherd. I continued to draw on that memory. "Warm, fresh air. The smell of the sea. Sand between my toes. A beautiful sunset..." I'd begun to fall into the memory as if I was there.

I felt the energy begin to dwindle within me as my body began to cool. I could still feel the stinging pain, but less, for now.

"Atom... are you alright?" The scientist stepped closer.

"Yes... I think so... What the hell is going on with me? What did you people do to me?" I slowly sat up, feeling my joins pop and my muscles loosen.

"Put on the clothes beside your bed. Let's go for a walk, Atom..."

Baurusdavinci t1_itp8rvn wrote on October 25, 2022 at 9:03 AM

I like the direction! Thanks for taking my prompt.

If you don’t mind some advice; details are important, but something I’ve noticed my favorite authors do is know when to let someone “read-between-the-lines” and not be too detailed on some things. For example, instead of something as unnaturally as saying “a 1km radius”, maybe instead indicate to the reader something obviously catastrophic will happen as indicated by the scientist‘s response. Let the reader imagine a bit.

For someone as volatile as Atom, I’d imagine more caution from those interacting with them. Waking up in a situation like this is unimaginable. For how catastrophic my reaction can be, I don’t believe a scientist would be as careless to tempt triggering me immediately after an event or to tell me this pain will last forever.

ChloeWrites OP t1_itp92w3 wrote on October 25, 2022 at 9:07 AM

I'll be taking your feedback, modifying the intiial response, and add another part or a few more, after I've slept. Ty for the criticism :)

Baurusdavinci t1_itp9r6o wrote on October 25, 2022 at 9:17 AM

You’re absolutely welcome! Thanks for taking the critique :)

ChloeWrites OP t1_ity7oq1 wrote on October 27, 2022 at 4:20 AM

Heyo, modified based on your recommendations, thoughts on the update?

Baurusdavinci t1_ityea4c wrote on October 27, 2022 at 5:32 AM

I like that a lot! Great job, I really love how you ended the prompt!