No, I'm not actually a demon. I understand why you'd think that, though, perfectly reasonable mistake, really. All those black-robed cultists, the hornless goat, the knives and the candles... I get it, I really do.

I'm sorry, this water is so good. Could I have some more please?

Thank you. It's the little things you miss in Hell; water, food, air that doesn't scorch or freeze your lungs. At least I assume it was Hell. Seemed like a safe assumption, what with all the burning hot sand dunes, the burning lakes of pitch, the damned souls wandering eternally tormented by hunger and thirst, heat and cold, etc. That's just the parts I saw, of course. Not sure if the fuck-off massive mountains with the eternal snowstorms on the peaks were real, or just a mirage. Walked for literally months to reach one, but I never did. Counted the days, but I lost count eventually. No idea how long I was down there. Years, presumably. What's the date, anyway?

Huh. Wow. Narnia time, I guess.

Anyway, yeah, pretty sure it was Hell. I never did see a demon, though.

Saw plenty of people. Human, presumably. I didn't always have a chance to talk; some of them were completely batshit crazy and dangerous. Most just wanted to talk. Not much else to do down there, I guess.

What was I doing there? Honestly, I don't know. At first I figured it was because I'm an atheist.

Go ahead and smirk if you like. I met plenty of Christians down there too. They all claimed to be good, holy, genuine Christians who lived good faithful lives. I had my doubts about some of them, but all of them? Honestly, I don't know.

Yes, it was awful. You're already dead, so you can't die of hunger or thirst. Injuries that would kill or cripple you heal, eventually. Minor injuries... don't. The days are fucking hot, the nights are fucking freezing, the sand blows constantly... I don't think Hell needs demons, really. Although there were some people down there trying to fill the role, so to speak. Pretty sure they were human, though. I don't think that demons sob like babies when they torture you, or weep while they puke up chunks of your flesh.

Yes, it was Hell. Of course it was awful. What did you expect? Why do you think I took a chance on coming back? I saw the light, like a roving spotlight, and I just ran for it as fast as my half-shredded feet could carry me. I had no idea what it was, but I could hear people chanting, and I figured that anything was better than this.

No, I have no idea who this guy was. It's why I was admiring myself in your mirror, there; sorry if I freaked anyone out. I can't see through the one-way mirror or anything like that, I just wanted to see what I look like now.

What happened? I flew up the light like it was an alien tractor beam, and next thing I know, here I am, in a chalk circle, surrounded by flabbergasted people in robes.

Honestly, I don't think they expected it to work. I'm not complaining, though. I don't care if you keep me in a containment cell for the rest of my life; as long as you feed me, anything's better than Hell.

No? Seriously, I'm free to go after the probationary period?!? Oh my god, thank you. I just assumed you were like the SCP Foundation or something... you don't know what that is? Don't even worry about it. Look, I promise I'll be the bestest, most nicest model citizen ever. The last thing I ever want to do is go back down there.