InkDiamond t1_ix0hmpi wrote
Reply to comment by BlueOrangeMorality in [WP] Robin Hood and his merry men finally succeed in overthrowing King John. They find actually governing the Kingdom to be much harder than they bargained for. by AccessTheMainframe
Focusing on the first several paragraphs.
I think this sounds like the beginning of a good story. It's well choreographed. You've got these obnoxious elites shouting over one another, and then you have this outsider who will slowly but surely take over the room. I think you've set it all up in the right order to maximize the impact of the moment. I like the flow of how the MC gets everyone's attention.
And your dialogue... I probably shouldn't say much here because I absolutely suck at writing British English* from any era lol. But it sounds authentic enough to me!
On the topic of "show vs tell" though, I have some thoughts.
I think your characterization could have been stronger with slightly more "showing" and less "telling." You have these three elites, each representing a different side of the argument. I think you can safely scrap the lines accompanying their dialogue (e.g., "pretending patriotism) while at the same time keeping the sentence of how our MC marks each one (i.e., "The jingoist; the racist; the coward").
The reason why I'd keep the ending bit is because it tells us more about the MC and what's going on inside his head. It gives us this sense that he's got an accurate read on the room, and therefore, he has control over the situation.
But I would scrap the previous bits just because it's less interesting to be straight-up told this stuff by the author. The resulting problem might be, "Well then how do we know that one person is feigning patriotism or that this other guy is just a coward?" And I say either the dialogue reflects it (e.g., "incompetent continental aliens") or their actions do (e.g., maybe the third guy squeaks out his comment). And then by the time we get to your MC's assessment, the reader gets this satisfactory "I knew it!" feeling and identifies closer with the MC.
Thanks for sharing!
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* I know!!
BlueOrangeMorality t1_ix0pp4p wrote
Thank you. I really appreciate the feedback, that's good stuff.
To be honest, I don't know how they would have actually spoken, how their cadence and scansion would sound translated to modern english--it's been a few decades since I read anything like the Canterbury Tales, or other stuff from that literary era. I was mostly hoping flowery eloquence would stand in for historical accuracy. If anyone feels like britpicking for middle english, I'll happily make appropriate changes.
As for the show-don't-tell: That's a good point. I think the problem I have is that I was raised in a place where that sort of rhetoric is common; if it is not specifically called out and examined, it would pass unremarked by too many. People around me see it as too 'normal' for them to notice the showing, so I'm now in the habit of heavy-handed telling--yelling, even--when dealing with various -isms. You're correct, it negatively affects my writing style. I'll edit it.
One counterpoint, though: Robin Hood does not have control over the situation. He thinks he does, and it is that which proves to be the tragic flaw which doomed him and the people he cares about. The betrayal had already happened; the baron's armies attacked the livery of Robin's company on sight. The Merry Men were never leaving London alive.
InkDiamond t1_ix0sgco wrote
> it negatively affects my writing style
That might be a little harsh! It's definitely a case-by-case thing. And I'm not even close to an expert, so that's another thing
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