SirPiecemaker t1_ixtnhtc wrote
"For the last time, during the day I'm a centaur, at night I'm a vampire, at the full moon I'm a werewolf, when I'm in water I'm a merman, during the hottest day I'm a dragon and at the coldest night I'm a yeti."
I stared at him blankly.
"That makes no sense," I finally concluded.
"I'll admit, it is quite convoluted, but it is what it is," he shrugged and took another sip of his coffee.
"So- I mean like- how?" I sputtered out.
"See, I was born a werewolf. Pureblood, both my parents were lycans. Due to a rare genetic mutation, I have rather remarkable regenerative abilities so when I was bitten by a vampire at 17, I became partially vampire. Every night, to be specific, except the full moon, where the lycanthropy trumps it," he said matter-of-factly.
"This wouldn't be the first time a werewolf got bit by a vampire. It doesn't match. You'd die."
"I did."
I stared at him silently. "Then how are you here?!" I yelled out.
"I got better."
I, once again, stared daggers.
"See, I was dead for quite a while but when the full moon came around, my remarkable regenerative abilities kicked in and I lived once more."
"Right," I said and rubbed my brow, trying to understand the mess. "And the merman part?"
"I was just having a nice evening dip under the full moon, and, well, got bitten by a merman."
"But- mermen don't bite people! They don't eat meat, they don't-"
"Yeah, but this one was really high. He thought I was seaweed because my fur was so wet. Lucky I was a werewolf at the time - my remarkable regenerative abilities allowed me to live through the transformation once again."
"The centaur part?"
"Did you know that horses can bite really hard? Well I do. And it's a really dominant mutation for some reason. Spend most of my time as one, just horsing around" he chuckled, much to my annoyance.
"But... there's no way a dragon bit you. I don't care how much you can heal, there's no surviving that!"
"You're right. I, uh... well, it's a bit embarrassing, but..." he looked down at his feet.
"Well?"
"I bit a dragon."
Oh for fucks sake, I thought.
"See, when I ingested his blood, that was enough. Normally this would kill me, but my-"
"If you say 'remarkable regenerative abilities' one more goddamn time I'll put them to the test," I hissed.
"Uh, well..." he nervously said, "I just survived it. With so many mutations in my body, that one only kicks in during extremely hot weather. Rare around these parts, unlike that bloody yeti part."
"And that happened when..." I started cautiously, dreading the answer that I already expected.
"Funny thing, this. I was skiing with my partner and before you know it, I skied into a nearby treeline and a yeti just - poof, runs out and bites straight through my ribcage."
"He crushed your ribcage? And you survived?" I asked. He opened his mouth but said no words, only looking at me expectantly.
I sighed very loudly and put my hand over my face. "Go on," I said.
"See, my remarkable regenerative abilities..."
rosolen0 t1_ixuakjb wrote
" does that mean you have all their weakness combined?*
Loads a silver bullet with garlic powder made with dragonsteel at it's core,which is tainted with a powerful alcoholic agent, blessed by the desert god to cause dehydration and to bring unbearable heat
With malicious intent
SirPiecemaker t1_ixuf4ez wrote
You see, he does, but his remarkable regenerative abilities...
rosolen0 t1_ixufrvh wrote
loads a machine gun with the stuff
SirPiecemaker t1_ixul0dt wrote
Remarkable. Regenerative. Abilities.
TheCoolHusky t1_ixuo2ma wrote
REMARKABLE
Deloptin t1_ixwhldh wrote
#REGENERATIVE
gabrielminoru t1_ixxzley wrote
#ABILITIES
PlasmaticPi t1_ixuuiwd wrote
Holy. Flame. Thrower.
Unbroken-anchor t1_ixuu52a wrote
Not often I actually laugh out loud at Reddit.
dj_fishwigy t1_ixummqo wrote
Turns into machine gun
rosolen0 t1_ixwfwsk wrote
I give up
Ice_Sniper_80 OP t1_ixtqpzj wrote
Hilarious. I like this one
IFistForKarma t1_ixtyerx wrote
Got me with the dragon part lol
MrQuickLine t1_ixunmya wrote
I was genuinely expecting this to end with, "Actually, my wife's a yeti, and they don't cause transformations by biting, if you catch my drift..."
spiritAmour t1_ixurhln wrote
i was thinking that, but for the dragon 😠a lil donkey x dragon (from shrek) kind of thing aha
ravanwood t1_ixu8in7 wrote
He got skifree'd by that yeti
bitey87 t1_ixv9iik wrote
>I sighed very loudly and took a bite
"What an interesting flavor. Like a savory gobstopper."
He howled in pain as I watched the remarkable regenerative abilities at work. "Why!? Damnit!"
As he was regaining his bearings and gazing up to the darkening sky I replied, "I simply wanted to see for myself."
The beast before me began to bubble and sprout, bursting into a writhing mass of tentacles, as the moon blocked out the sun. Glaring at me he muttered, "Cthulhu, I thought we were friends."
Remarkable story u/SirPiecemaker. I hope you don't mind this little addition. :)
tango421 t1_ixu8yey wrote
This one is silly and fun!
spiritAmour t1_ixurbp0 wrote
lmaoo i started smiling when they began threatening him 😠poor guy has been through so much. loved this lol
MrRedoot55 t1_ixuofqn wrote
Good job.
flfoiuij2 t1_ixv1iqz wrote
Way to go, remarkable regenerative abilities!
Gamer_0710 t1_ixwq29x wrote
She is a witch she turned me to a newt
Farshadow6277 t1_ixvlir1 wrote
Anyone else read this in Brady's voice from how he speaks on hello internet?
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