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[removed]

40k intensifies

See that's the problem if it's god it can't be too busy by definition

The old priest kneeled down before the alter of the One True Lord, clasping his withered hands in prayer.

"Oh, Greatest-"

BAM!

"I'm here! I'm here. Sorry."

...That was unusual.

"Err-"

"Just letting you know. I was out taking care of some shit, but I'm-I'm here now, and I'm, like, 100% listening. So, uh, keep going."

The priest was not quite sure how he felt about this. The Voice of God did not sound like what the priest had imagined. Sure, it had that all-powerful, booming quality...but why did He sound so out of breath?

"..Well, My Lord, I was simply--"

"Oh, and, by the way, you don't have to worry about the Cruelest Ones anymore."

The who? "Pardon me?"

"I'm not gonna lie, things were looking pretty fucking rough on that end, but I finally destroyed the Mega-Death-Blood-Ray, so we're all good."

"What?"

"I know, right? That thing would have fucked you guys over soooo bad. But don't worry, I took care of it--"

"--My lord, who are the Cruelest Ones?"

God paused. For an uncomfortably long time.

"You're joking, right?"

"No--"

"Did you find the Mega-Epic-Cruelty-Hunters? The big metal things in the caves? The ones that kinda look like you guys except, like, two hundred feet taller and way cooler?

That did ring a bell. "Do you speak of the Fallen Titans?"

"The-yeah, sure, those. Anyway, you saw those statues that I put around them, right? The ones of those really ugly-looking dudes?"

"...The demons that you trapped within bodies of stone?"

"...No, man. That's what the Cruelest Ones look like. You were supposed to see those and be, like, 'Shit, I'd better watch out for those guys. It's like -- you know how in national parks and shit, they have those signs with the bears on them?"

The...huh? "My lord, what is a 'bear?'"

"Oh, shit, did I forget to put bears in this dimension? Damn. That sucks for you guys. Those things are, like, my best work."

There was another uncomfortable silence.

"Uh, no offense. Anyway. Why didn't you just use the Summoning Chant to wake them up?

"What?"

"Oh, come on. It was etched onto the arms of the MECHs? Right under the rocket launchers?"

"The Unknowable Words?"

"...Fuck, I forgot to translate them, didn't I? Ok. That's on me. Well, the chant was-"

The priest's eyes widened. The Unknowable Words were considered one of the great mysteries of the universe. Religious scholars thought that they held the Key to Eternal Life, or perhaps the True Meaning of Existence--

"Cruelest Ones, Cruelest Ones, Go Away, Come Again Another Day.' And then you had to spin around in a little circle? Probably should've written that part down, too, now that I think about it, but whatever."

"...Ayo? You still there?"

"..Yes, my lord." The priest blinked, snapping out of his daze. It would be best, he determined, to save his existential crisis for after he finished communing with the Ultimate Savior.

"I think I interrupted you earlier. What were you asking me? Before I started talking about the Cruelest Ones and shit?"

"I was going to beg for your forgiveness, Holy One. I've committed a grave sin."

"....Alright. I'm listening."

The priest gulped. Did he even have the strength to utter the words?

"My Lord, I have lain with...a man."

There was silence once again. The priest bowed his head in shame. Surely God was pausing to contemplate a righteous punishment for such a blasphemous, immoral--

"...Ok. Cool. Is that all?"

"Well-"

"SHIT. I gotta shut this down -- the Soul Destroyers are about to break into the Only-Bears Dimension. I mean, they've summoned all of their Soul-Destroyer-Destroyer-3000s, so they should be alright, but you can never be too careful, you know? I don't what I'd do if something happened to them. Nice chat, though. Hit me up whenever."

BAM!

And just like that, the voice was gone. Just as if...

...As if it was never there.

...And what do I know, really? thought the priest, rising shakily to his feet. Maybe it never was.

Yes. Yes, that would do.

Perhaps it was best for everyone if certain things simply remained unknown.

The "only bears" dimension! I love it!

Thank you!

As a wolf in sheep's clothing,

I walk amongst you everyday.

Last Testament: my son is coming;

I walk for truth, Emm is on the way.

Darkest night, light of day

Fire in your heart

Red from the start

Call me by my name.

[Poem]

For some reason I can’t help but imagine the Lord as a harried gamer trying to manage too many worlds in a simulator.

Loving the only-bears-dimension detail too. Great story.

They're, like, his best work.