I apologize, Power Delete Suite was overzealous and deleted recent comments, including this one I posted earlier today. I am not sure why, and I think I need to switch to a new system.

 

#####Not a man

"By the gods, what in the name of holy hell am I looking at?" muttered the Dark One.

"RUDE!" said the Classic Cotton Blend, "I'll have you know that's no way to speak to a lady."

The Dark One raised an eyebrow, "You're… female? I had no idea."

The Classic Cotton Blend recoiled at the insult, weeping. Her brother, the Leather Duster roared, "Foul fiend! I see you're skilled at psychological attacks, but that won't work on me. En garde!"

The coat billowed in the formless wind, gripping the rapier by the pommel with its sleeve. Startled, the Dark One stumbled backwards, taking a gashing wound to his side.

"No, wait, hold on a minute." The massive demon wreathed in shadows desperately fended off the quick burst of sword swipes from the leather apparition, "How the hell are you doing this?"

"We hid ourselves in that cowardly halfling for this moment!" In a sudden movement, the Leather Duster dropped his sword and wore himself around the Dark One like a tailored suit, immediately restraining him. "Brother! Do it!" He flapped his lapels at the last sibling, a long Pea Coat.

It was operating a 5 foot long sniper rifle.

"?!?!" The Dark One stammered visibly confused, glancing between the three trench coats and the 3 foot tall halfling who was still groaning, "Where the hell did you even keep that?!"

"You'll get shot, brother! I can't!" He hesitated, keeping the duo in his sights as they struggled.

"It's our only chance!"

The Pea Coat grimaced and fired. A thundering boom ripped through the grand chamber as a .50 caliber punctured the Dark One's torso and exited out the Leather Duster's back. The great fiend clutched the gaping hole in his chest and fell to his knees motionless.

"Brother!" The Classic Cotton Blend rushed over and pulled out a sewing kit, but the gunshot had eviscerated whole strips of leather.

"We… did it.." He said, releasing his grip on the Dark One, he no longer had the strength to wear himself tightly around the massive ogre.

The long Pea Coat set his rifle down and slowly drifted forward, putting a sleeve on his sister's shoulders, "It had to be done." She wept while desperately attempting to stitch him back together.

The hunched body of the Dark One shuddered and the two trench coats backed away in shock, "...Hahaha!!"

"You're… you're not dead? Impossible! My bullet went straight through your heart!"

"HAHAHA!! Do you still not understand? No man may defeat me. You think my magic is some foolishness bound by species or gender? Elves, halflings, humans, men, women, even children challenge me all the time." He ripped the ragged garment off his back, "This one proved his manliness by sacrificing himself. And you proved yours by doing what was necessary no matter the cost." The wounds in his side and chest were already closing. "You will never win, for I am IMMOR-"

A small dagger was stuck between the Dark One's eyes and he reached for it confused, before falling over dead. The three coats turned towards the source: a trembling half naked halfling who had just tripped while attempting to flee. He looked up, shrieked, and curled into a ball.

"Huh." The Pea Coat tapped the Dark One. He didn't move.

The Leather Duster laughed despite his injuries, "I suppose the moral is to never explain how your magic works."

 

A/N - What the hell did I just write.

A/N2 - an earlier deleted comment: the pea coat was originally a mage, but I thought "pea coats are way too slick and suave, he's got to be a SNIPER, yeah that'll work"

/r/Unexpected_Works