I fell asleep, finally, after thinking about another rough day at work. The mistakes I made today circled my mind like vultures, while the mistakes I made weeks ago were picking at the wounds they caused when they came back to haunt me today.

My mind circled through the ol’ “why do I always do this to myself?” and “why can’t I just do better. I know I can.”

That night I had a strange dream. I wanted to chalk it up to my stress and anxiety. It was a chaos of flashing images from some strange but somehow homey world, and a shadowy but familiar figure standing over me.

Needless to say, I did not sleep well. When the alarm went off I could barely tell dream from reality. I somehow managed to turn it off without opening my eyes, and stumbled into the washroom.

I ignored the scale as I passed it, I couldn’t take its judgement today. It had been harsh after Christmas, and I was fragile from work stress and lack of sleep. I avoided the mirror as well, as it routinely shocked me with “do I really look like that?”

I stumbled into the shower. The initial blast of cold water woke me slightly as I tried to avoid the frigid winter stream until it warmed up. Eventually the luxurious feeling of hot water began to warm me, as I moved under the jet. If I could never leave the comfort of the shower, I would live a happy life. Unfortunately I had to leave.

I don’t know when I happened, but sometime while towel drying my sleepy eyes had fully opened. And I saw myself in the mirror. Suddenly something inside my mind snapped. It was so powerful I would have sworn it was more a physical sensation than a mental one.

I became fixated on my reflection. You would say I was crazy, but I realized it was not a reflection, but another version of me. It looked just like me, but didn’t move as I did.

Stunned by this, I slowly came out of the shower and walked towards my doppelgänger.

“You look great today,” it complimented me.

“That seems a little self-serving” I retorted, having never learned to politely take a compliment. “Damnit,” I thought being angry with my stupid response.

“Hey,” came a calming reply, “don’t get angry with yourself, that was a reflex. You have learned that through decades of life. You can’t expect yourself to change in a few seconds.”

“Still, it was rude… I’m sorry,” I replied as conversation seemed to be being pulled out of me despite the strange circumstances.

“It was, but you hold yourself to too high a standard sometimes. You know you do that at work too.”

“That’s a lie, I know I can do better, I just … don’t”.

“I am not going to say you can’t, but you can’t expect yourself to be perfect at all times. Different constraints come up, and when you look back you forget that you procrastinated ordering that report because the request came in late in the day when you were already behind on so much and tired from a long day.” Wisdom began rolling out of the mirror.

As we continued to talk, I found myself slowly falling in love. Not with the reflection, but with who I could be. No, who I am.

Judging myself for minor errors, never forging my mistakes, seeing my body as the enemy. These are all things I could change. All it takes is some work. And God dammit, I am worth it. Loving yourself isn’t easy, but it is essential, and somehow I had it happen so suddenly.