Ain't Easy Being Cheesy

Twinkling Twilight home for senior citizens was a short drive outside of Star City. A lovely facility providing all the comforts of home for its residents, even the ones who couldn't remember their day to day lives. Terrance Thorne sat in the common area playing cards, as he was about to claim victory the attractive young nurse he constantly flirted with interrupted.

"Mr. Thorne you have a visitor. They want to see you out in the garden." Her soft voice melted Terrance's old heart, instead of raising his mast, getting old sucked.

"Are you sure, hot stuff? Nobody visits an old fart like me. Who is it?" Terrance asked, slowly propping himself up on his cane.

"They asked me not to say, wanted to keep it a surprise." The nurse replied. She took Terrance's free hand as the two slowly made their way to the back garden. Terrance's visitor had their back turned to him, he still recognized her from behind.

"What the fuck does she want?" Terrance grumbled aloud, pushing the nurse off him. "Leave us." He said with an air of menace. The nurse retreated, Terrance pushed forward. He loudly cleared his throat. "What are you doing here little Angie? Ain't seen you in decades, come to toss me into the slammer? Guess what, I'm already there."

Detective Angela Falcona turned to face the retired schmuck. She held up a picnic basket and smiled. "Hey T! Come on, this place ain't so bad. Hot little nurse you got, that's got to be a plus."

"Let's just say the rigging on the main mast doesn't work like it used to. I already ate lunch, at least I think I did." Terrance took a seat at the patio table in the center of the garden, most of his life was spent sedentary now, a far cry from his glory days of being feared by any who heard his name.

"Well maybe this will perk you up." Falcona said slyly as she opened the picnic basket. An overpowering odor burst from the basket, singeing the detective's nostrils. To Terrance, it smelled like heaven. His eyes widened as the wheel of cheese hit the table. He scooped it up, taking a deep whiff.

"Vioux Boulogne. Stinkiest of the stinky cheeses. Do you know what gives it that enticing aroma?" He asked excitedly.

Falcona pinched her nose, decades of smoking had destroyed her sense of smell, this stuff didn't care. "Enlighten me." She asked. Pinched nostrils causing the tone of her voice to rise.

"Unpasteurized cow milk is pre-salted then washed with beer. As it rots it releases it's intoxicating aromatics." Terrance clutched the cheese wheel tightly, resisting the urge to chomp through its rind.

"How poetic, I would say it smells like a septic tank." Falcona lit a smoke to cover the horrendous odor in the air.

Terrance narrowed his eyes at her. "Falcona's aren't known for giving gifts without wanting something in return. What's your angle?"

Falcona chuckled. Terrance didn't play the game anymore but he still knew how to play it. "I need the Terrible Turophile to come out of retirement for one last hurrah."

"Sorry little Angie. I'm that not person anymore. Find someone else to do your dirty work." Terrance tossed the wheel of cheese back on the table, despite his yearning to take a bite.

Falcona put the wheel back in the basket. "It's a pretty easy gig, all you really got to do is show up, rest will take care of itself. You'll be back in time for "Wheel of Fortune". But I can't make you do anything. Shame you won't hear me out, this basket is pretty heavy." Falcona produced another wheel of cheese.

Terrance's breath left his body. "Bitto Storico! How old is it?"

"Eight years."

"Then it must be taking on a spicier yet bitter taste. Oh I haven't had this in years, really takes me back. What's the job?" Terrance asked hesitantly.

"Pick a fight with Meteor Man. He's been feeling down lately, losing focus on being a hero. Once the schmucks learned how dumb he was they started to outsmart him. Nobody fights him anymore. Need someone to snap him back to reality, give him a challenge. If what my pa told me about you is true, you're the perfect man for the job. Since you ain't been around for awhile it ain't gonna rock the boat too much once you lose." Falcona chain smoked, the battle between stinky cheese and smoke continuing to wage in the air.

A resigned sigh left Terrance's lungs. "I'm too old to be fighting supers, that's a young man's game. Sorry, Angie."

Falcona gazed into Terrance's eyes, he had a good poker face. Good thing Falcona always kept aces up her sleeve. One last wheel of cheese. Terrance almost fell out of his chair, Falcona almost fainted at the disgusting "food". The pale yellow cheese writhed as if it were alive, something wriggled beneath its surface.

"Casu Marzu? It can't be. You can't import this, it's illegal, due to the maggots that live within, processing it to give it that.....ripe flavor. It's the only cheese I've never had the pleasure of consuming." Terrance rapidly spoke, his breathing heavy. "Damn you Angie, damn you to hell." He breathlessly choked out.

Falcona kept her stoic poker face on, she was certain that would have produced a yes. She had a hunch, needed to test it. With a flick of her wrist she opened her butterfly knife, slowly cutting into the Casu Marzu, maggots wriggled from the slice. Falcona threw up in her mouth a little, Terrance's mouth watered. "Come on, take a little bite." She held the small slice of cheese in front of Terrance's face.

Tears welled in Terrance's eyes. "I can't be the villain you need, Angie. I never wanted to disappear, end up in this crappy old folks home. It was out of my control."

Falcona dropped the piece of cheese on the table, she made a mental note to wash her hands extra long before leaving. "Someone keeping you caged?" She inquired.

Terrance wiped away a tear streaking down his wrinkled cheek. "I'm lactose intolerant."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this check out more at r/StarCityChronicles

I have always been lactose intolerant, so I have a lot of diarrhea. And it's a lot of diarrhea. I'll be honest with you, it is not fun at all. It is very... splashy.

But it's worth it. It tastes so good, I can't help myself. And don't even get me started on superpowers. I just wish one of those superpowers could be to always have solid poops and no gas.

I didn't know what was going on at first. When I was a kid, I think the only cheese I ate was Kraft singles and the cheese on pizza, so I didn't realize my powers were cheese-correlated. It wasn't until I had my first brie that I realized I got super strength right after. And then then I had a cube of smoked cheddar and laser beams shot out of my eyes.

It took a while, but I finally got teleportation and that made things infinitely easier. I could now travel internationally and try and cheese I wanted. I got more powerful by the second.

Heroes feared me. I don't really know why. Yes I had an unfathomable amount of superpowers. But the only crime I really committed was stealing different cheeses. And I know that is still a crime, it is still stealing, but I wasn't holding governments hostage. I wasn't murdering children. I was just stealing and eating cheeses. These heroes must have better things to do, right? Maybe the heroes are secretly owned by the cheese corporations. Or cheese lobbyists are putting pressure on politicians to get the heroes to stop me. Is it a conspiracy? Is big cheese in cahoots with the government and the superheroes?

I think more likely they fear what could happen if I get too many powers? Maybe they think I will take the world hostage and there would be nobody to stop me? Which is kinda already true, I'm so powerful that nobody could stop me from doing whatever I want. But I'm not doing anything. I don't want to beat this dead horse into the ground, but my crime is just stealing cheese.

Well, once I was flying and had emergency diarrhea and pooed over a small town. That was gross. Sorry Huntingville.

The sky darkened as I descended upon the innocent hospital. Gale force winds blew off the door and let the roaring rains in as I levitated past the desk clerk, into the back. No one dared stop me, no hero would dare answer a cry for help. I stopped at the room of the person I was looking for. The only one that had dared threaten my life. Tearing apart his door, my dark tendrils perverted the room.

"You're coming with me." I said.

"Room 6, to the left." Dr. Petermoly said nonchalantly.

"Very well."

Destroying the door to room 6, I ceased using the dark smoke that carried me and sat on the bed. After waiting for 30 minutes, Petermoly finally entered.

"Dr. Petermoly!!! ... give it to me straight."

Looking at his clip board, Petermoly approached me.

"To be frank Frank, your cholesterol is though the roof and you have 12 different variations of listeria, 8 of which no one new existed. Now correct me if I'm wrong but ..."

He was the only person I had revealed the mechanics of my powers to.

"... you get your powers from various different cheeses? The rawer the more potent? Blue cheese, the most toxic mind you, gives you multiple at once? And you eat nearly ... 20 blocks daily?"

I nod several times.

"Mr. Frank B. Wurst, I Dr. Petermoly declare that I have no possible idea how you are even alive right now. You should be insanely obese, however I guess that is the only aspect your powers help prevent.We barely broke you out of the coma last time you were here and every time you've visited it's been getting worse. Now we can deal with the Listeria by giving you the appropriate antibiotics, but you are going to have to cut back on your cheese intake."

"I cannot! I must always be on guard! You never know when the heroes shall attack! If I show any weakness, it may encourage them!"

"Then I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news ... but I think it's time you look at retirement. It'd benefit you and the doorways of this building if you take a look. I and your relatives are very concerned at the recent developments in your health Frank. Sometimes you have to know when to quit."

He handed me a brochure.

"Take a look at this. It'll ... ease you in."

Retire..... I grabbed the brochure and walked out the doorway to process the information.

"And Frank please use th-" too late, I had already ascended through the roof. Dr. Petermoly went back to his office to add a new cost to his hospital repair calculations.

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Once upon a time, there was a supervillain named Jack who was feared by all the heroes in the land. Jack had an endless array of powers that he had acquired over the years, and no one seemed to be able to stop him.

However, what the heroes didn't know was that Jack's true superpower was his ability to gain new powers by eating different types of cheese. Jack had discovered this strange ability by accident one day when he was eating a slice of cheddar and suddenly felt an immense surge of strength and energy.

From that day on, Jack devoted himself to seeking out and eating the most powerful cheeses in the world. He traveled to far-off lands and braved dangerous cheesemongers to find the rarest, most potent varieties.

As Jack's powers grew, so did his reputation as a formidable supervillain. He became feared and respected by his fellow villains and feared by the heroes. But Jack knew the truth about his powers, and he kept it a closely guarded secret.

One day, Jack was confronted by a group of heroes who had finally figured out his secret. They laughed at him and mocked him, thinking that his reliance on cheese was a weakness.

But Jack knew better. He smiled at the heroes and reached into his pocket, pulling out a chunk of the rarest, most powerful cheese in the world. As he ate it, he felt his powers surging within him, and he knew that he would be able to defeat the heroes once and for all.

And so, with a fierce determination and a full belly of cheese, Jack faced off against the heroes and emerged victorious. From that day on, he was known as the cheese-eating supervillain, feared by all who crossed his path.

As the years passed, Jack's reputation as the cheese-eating supervillain only grew. He became known throughout the land as the most powerful villain around, and no hero dared to challenge him.

But despite his fearsome reputation, Jack was a solitary figure. He had no friends or allies, and he spent most of his time alone, traveling the world in search of new and powerful cheeses.

One day, Jack stumbled upon a small village in a remote corner of the world. The villagers were poor and oppressed, living in fear of a cruel and tyrannical ruler. Jack saw an opportunity to use his powers for good, and he decided to take on the tyrant and free the village from his rule.

Using all of his strength and cunning, Jack fought against the tyrant and his minions, and eventually emerged victorious. The villagers rejoiced and hailed Jack as their savior, and he was hailed as a hero for the first time in his life.

From that day on, Jack dedicated himself to using his powers for good, and he became a hero in his own right. He traveled the land, fighting against evil and injustice wherever he found it, always with a full belly of cheese to give him strength.

And so, the cheese-eating supervillain became a hero, feared and respected by all who knew him.

I desperately need to find a new bacteria to ferment this milk, yet I also need to make sure it won’t kill me- I MUST keep them on their toes or I will lose this battle. But what am I supposed to do after Winnimere? You know how long it took me to get my hands on Winnimere? Do you have any fathomable idea how EXPENSIVE Winnimere is!? And guess what that got me? X-ray vision. WOw, NoW I can SeE tHroUgH wAllS! So much time, money, wasted. I’m like a virus. I give them to much time and they find countermeasures until I have nothing effective left… I need to mutate before that happens, and my only choice is to invent new cheeses… now, does use of goatmilk constitute an entirely seperate cheese, or is “goat cheese” one type of cheese?

I have been waiting for a long time for this very moment. Ever since I figured out how my powers work. I figured I just had that basic super strength type deal you know? Only cheese I've ever had was yellow American. One fateful trip to Olive Garden and I had laser vision and fire powers. I started studying cheeses and getting my hands on as many kinds as i could. Of course I had to test out my powers, and it's not like I ever actually hurt anyone. Just needed a bit of pocket money. There was one particular cheese that I wanted no matter what. It was pretty easy actually. A nice popular cheese from France. The powers I got seemed random at first, but I figured out how it works, I knew what power I was gonna get, It was finally in my hands, Morbier cheese. At last, it was time to Morb.

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