I just had sex with my wife and I feel more depressed and empty than ever. Sarah was half asleep on her stomach for the entire ordeal, whispering "was that good baby" after I came. She promptly fell asleep. It was 1am, the kids were asleep in their own rooms and we had just spent the evening watching netflix before going to bed. As I laid there I thought about my past life...my old heartthrob that burned me so bad that I still think about her all these years later. I thought getting married and having kids would have erased that pain. I guess I hate the fact that I'll never hurt her the way she hurt me.

I think about the direction my life took with my career. My resentments towards people who told me to make a career in something I dislike. I resent the need to stay in this career in order to make money to support my family. We've been married for 10 years. About 4 years ago I began to fantasize about leaving my family. Cutting all ties and just moving somewhere to pursue what I always should have been pursuing in life...music, acting...art! Anything other than what I am doing! I don't have to move far away either. Just far enough away to be out Sarahs spere of influence.

I also resent having kids. They are another reason that I can't pursue what I want in life. Taking up all my time and energy. Sometimes it's hard to hide my irritation with them. The constant grind that started 2 years after we married hasn't let up since. Other parents say they love they're kids and would do anything for them. I love them too but I hate them for stealing my freedom away.

My urge to alter my mind prompted me to go to a bar and have a few drinks in the company of strangers. When I showed up there was hardly a soul here just a couple playing pool and the bartender. I sat at the bar, smiled at the bartender and ordered a Bacardi and soda. We chit chatted for a moment and then he carried on with his tasks of cleaning and lining glasses and cutting up garnishments for the evenings rush. By my 3rd Bacardi and Soda and I was feeling toasty and the infomercial on the bar TV was fascinating. A unkept individual walked through the door and sat right next to me smiling. He looked like hell and obviously hadn't showered in a month at least. I showed obvious irritation toward him but I refused to move over. The bartender didn't think it was inappropriate for him to be up in my face so I just accepted the situation. After another drink I relaxed again. The man hardly talked to me and I to him. I just kept thinking about how much he stank. The man spoke about his special powers which he learned from his grandmother who was from the Old Country and how he can bless and curse people. This made me a little afraid. He said I could realize my deepest desires by coming to his homeless encampment and taking part in a shrine ritual. I was pretty drunk by this point so doing anything sounded rather exciting. The bartender flashed an eyebrow in my direction as if to say, "you sure you want to go with this guy?"I followed this gentleman outside and onto a bike trail which ran behind the bar. We walked for around 20 minutes. I started to sober up in the cold air and began regretting ever embarking on this adventure. Finally we walked off the bike trail into a hidden grove of tangerine trees. On one edge there was his tent, a fire pit in the middle and on the opposite edge there was a shrine. It was a shrine with Catholic icongraphy and candles lit about. As seemingly innocent as this looked I began to regret ever following this gentleman out here. It felt otherworldly. Like I didn't just walk off the biketrail a mile from the bar but that I was transported to another time and country. He noticed my apprehension and said, "we'll make this quick". He told me to kneel at the alter and pray to the Holy Mother. I did just this wanting the whole thing to be done with. I began to miss my sweet wife, kids and hearth. The man placed his fingers on my temple and began chanting a gutteral Latin. Chants that could never have been associated with the Catholic Church not even from an early age. At this moment I passed out.

I woke up this morning hungover and alarmed. I wasn't lying in my bed. In fact I never made it back to the bar because I was still in the grove. I was lying in an odor ridden tent and apparently I took off all my clothes and put on the homeless mans. My face felt funny and my emotions were different. Like I was running on different hardware with the same software. I waded out of the tangerine grove and onto the biketrail where I was met with scowls by morning trekers. I walked into a grocery store bathroom and upon looking into the mirror I made the horrible discovery that I was now the homeless man!