Sal watched as Lord Elos cackled and placed one boot on the head of King Orgainne. All around them, skeletons moved chests of gold and crates of artifacts into the town square. More skeletons guarded soldiers and civilians alike. Though the living outnumbered the dead, no one seemed willing to fight. A contingent of bandits made doubly sure of that.

“The treasures of the kingdom are mine!” Elos held up a gleaming shard of dark material. “Behold! The Stone of Nheskir! With it, I will become the ruler of the undead!”

Orgainne let out a grunt as Elos stepped harder.

“Father!” A young woman tried to rush to Orgainne’s aid, but a man in armor held her back.

“No, Nadira! It’s too dangerous!”

“But – ”

“We must believe!” An old man in a wrinkled robe placed his hand over Nadira’s. “The prophecy will come true! The hero will come to save us!”

Hearing this, Elos only laughed harder. “Hero? There hasn’t been a hero in this land for centuries! The Great Sage’s fabled Site of Arrival? Empty! I had a few of my men watch that place during the week this ‘hero’ was supposed to emerge. Just in case. Sorry to disappoint you, Elder Wavel.”

Elder Wavel slumped. “No…”

Disheartened murmurs ran through the captive crowd. Nadira let out a strangled sob. Their misery only seemed to strengthen Lord Elos. Not a single person tried to fight against their fate. With a sigh, Sal got up from his seat amongst a group of captive adventurers.

A nearby bandit raised his sword. “Hey! Sit back down!”

Sal ignored him. The bandit swung with a cry, only for his blade to pass through an illusory figure of Sal. The clang of the bandit’s sword hitting stone drew Elos’s attention.

“What’s this?” An amused grin formed on Elos’s face. “Do we actually have a hero?”

Sal waved his hand. “No, no. I’m just here for the hero’s sword. You carry on.”

That smile faded. “Excuse me?”

“I figured this was the easiest way to get to the thing without all the politics.” He walked past Lord Elos toward one of the piles of artifacts.

The silence was deafening. All eyes were on him, some in disbelief, others in hope.

It’s always like this.

Without waiting, he began rummaging through a pile of gold and jewelry.

“Stop right there!” A blast of necrotic energy collided with his back, but his armor absorbed the brunt of the damage.

“Can you not? I’d rather not do this right now.” Sal dug a bit deeper into the pile and pulled out a gleaming blade. “Ah, there you are. You wouldn’t believe how much this thing sells for.”

Elder Wavel let out a gasp. “It’s him! No one else can – ”

“Touch this blade?” Sal waved the sword around. “Nah. It’s just a simple ward. Easy enough to remove. Makes selling it way more convenient.”

The old man’s face reddened. “Sell – That is a priceless artifact! You’re supposed to save us from his evil! It’s your destiny!”

Sal rolled his eyes and put the blade into a pocket dimension. “Let me ask you something – old wizard man – since you’re so enamored with this destiny thing. What is your part in this ‘destiny’, hm? What prophecy is it this time?”

Wavel’s jaw trembled before he said, “I… I am to be a guide and mentor. To guide you into defeating this world’s evils.”

Sal nodded. “Right, right. A wise mentor that does little more than train me and then dies when his mission is fulfilled.”

“What – ?”

“Do you think it’s your destiny to die just so a ‘hero’ can have a growth spurt?”

Elder Wavel blinked. “Er… what? No, that’s not how it works!”

“That’s exactly how it works!” Sal turned on the cowering masses. “And you lot! Did you even try to fight against Elos? Sure didn’t see any blood on my way into town. Just a lot of knights being surrounded by the undead. Seems like Elos was here to take hostages and you all just let him.”

Silence followed his observation. Then, Lord Elos let out a soft chuckle.

“Such an astute hero. You’d do well by my side. Together we can – ”

“No thanks. I’m gonna pawn this sword and enjoy my vacation.” Sal jabbed a finger at the crowd. “If they want saving, they can save themselves.”

Lord Elos’s eyes narrowed. “They wouldn’t dare. They’re too reliant on their prophecies and heroes to save them.”

“Yeah? Well, this hero is here and he’s saying, ‘good luck’. I’ve had it with these stupid prophecies and whatnot.” Sal waved his hand. “You want your kingdom back? He’s one necromancer with the power to control about a hundred skeletons. That stupid gem maybe doubles it. Behind him is a bandit clan of about fifty. You’re a city of adventurers and a standing army of almost triple that. You do the math.”

Through the stunned silence, a few resentful faces grew thoughtful. Sal gathered mana in the air and wrapped it around himself as he had done in past lives. Teleportation – a high-level spell most spellcasters could only dream of accomplishing. And as his surroundings began to shift, he gave the stunned crowd one last wave.

“Toodles.”

...

Might be a fun idea to expand on. I'll put it in the list with all the other ideas that could use expanding upon :P

If you're interested in my works, the archive of my various writing responses can be found in my writing portfolio, link through my profile. There's also an original story, The Crossroads.

Thanks for reading.

"Fuckkkkkk," I said as a woman ran across my path. She was dressed in fine garments and wore one of those stupid pointy fucking hats with ribbon coming off of it.

"Oh, daring hero, can you help me?" she asked as she flung herself at me. "I'm being chased by one of the Emperor's hunting parties. They'll be following quickly. Surely a hero of your stature can save me."

I peeled her hand off my shoulder, turned her around, and gave her a light push.

"Nope, keep running. I'm sure you'll find somebody."

"But hero, it must be you! They will be upon me before I find anyone else!"

"Not a hero," I said as I pushed past her. "You better get to running instead of talking. People might think you want to be found."

I wasn't playing this shit anymore. That was the third princess this fucking week. I didn't have time for this shit. Ever since that witch unlocked my memories from a past life, I've been so over this. I thought it would bring me great power and knowledge. All it did was make me sick of this shit.

Six times. Six! Who gets reincarnated as the same fucking guy six times? Sure, I was good at it. It had worked out in my previous five lives. But now that I had the memories of all of those lives, I wanted to be something different. Do something different. I was going to be a llama breeder.

But first, I needed to find a llama. Well, two llamas, actually. A male and a female. Then I had to find a place to raise my llamas. The problem was I had no skills. My entire life, I had been raised to be a chivalrous knight. I was trained in the way of martial combat, I was the best in the land with a sword, and I was able to talk my way into anywhere. But now, all of that was useless. Nobody cared if a llama breeder could use a sword. Only if he could breed llamas.

I had heard of the great llamas out east. They were gallant and fluffy, and some said they could even carry a fully-grown man on their back. I was on my way east to find two such llamas and procure them. I had thought about entering combat tournaments, but then I might fuck around and get roped into saving a princess or something. No, I had to make this work without using any of my knight training.

"Maybe I'll work at a bar," I said as I continued down the road.

"Sir, please!" the princess cried out. I let out a sigh. Fuck.

"Is there a reward for this?" I asked as I turned to her.

"Of course, sir, my father will pay you anything for my safe return."

"And just so we're clear, there is no fucking legend or prophecy about a great hero in your kingdom, right?"

"Well, legend tells tale of a brave knight who - "

"Nope, not interested." I turned back around and began down the road again.

"Fine, no prophecies! Just save me this one time. One time thing. We'll pay you, and you can be on your way to wherever you're going." I let out another sigh.

I drew my sword as a pack of three men on horseback came riding onto the road from the forest.

"Does your family have any llamas?" I asked as they approached rapidly. There better be fucking llamas for this shit.

​

--------------------------------------------

Let me know any feedback or criticism, I'm still working on my writing overall. <3

Xil, Yol, Zul

&#x200B;

Augtober 13th, 1411 E.E.

&#x200B;

Lars the Farmboy

1 Subsistence Lane

Northwest Dezzak

&#x200B;

Dear Lars,

On behalf of our client, the Emperor, we hereby demand that you immediately cease and desist from any further heroic activity. You have violated your contractual obligations. You have, on multiple occasions, slandered the Emperor in your village square. Worst of all, you have violated the intellectual property rights of the Evil Empire.

We begin with your breach of contract. Your parents signed a lease with Lord Dezzak such that they may farm the land on which you currently live. Lord Dezzak is a subsidiary of the Evil Empire. And you, as your parents’ offspring, are bound by their contractual obligations. This is according to the jurisprudence of the High Court of Nightmares in the seminal case 10,000 Starving Peasants v. The Emperor, 5 EER 57 (1233 E.E.). Therewheretofore, the following acts were - or continue to be - in breach of the contract:

•	Removing an ancient weapon from its resting place on the property.  
•	Using leased farm equipment in a training montage.  
•	Using leased a leased farm animal as a heroic mount.  
•	Painting the living room.

Your liability to the Evil Empire does not stop there. The speeches in the village square you've been giving are slanderous and harmful to the reputation of the Evil Empire and the Emperor himself. You are recorded as saying that he has “stolen the princess.” This assertion is simply untrue. The princess is the Emperor’s property, as is everyone.

Your diatribes also infringe upon the Evil Empire’s word usage rights. You stated that you were “the chosen one” and you were going to “save the princess.” The Empire longago registered these phrases with itself. Please see Registration #4892 (The Chosen One) and Registration #5002 (Save The Princess). Any continued use of these phrases will be considered willful infringement.

Finally, and of most concern, you are at risk of infringing on the Emperor’s patent rights. Our spies have informed us that you have been in contact with a white-haired sage named Olga. She has been teaching you the True Power. The True Power is the exclusive right of the Emperor and is protected by multiple patents:

•	E.E.P. 450 - Method for Harnessing Energy from Surrounding Lifeforms  
•	E.E.P. 830 - Method for Shooting Energy Balls from Hands  
•	E.E.P. 931 - Composition of Glowing Aura  
•	E.E.P. 1128 - Method for Levitating a Little Bit

Listen, you seem like a nice kid. But if you want to topple the Evil Empire, you will have to do so legally.

&#x200B;

Regards,

Xil, Yol, Zul

Attorneys at Law

I wake up in a new bed, noticing the grand archetecture of what was obviously a nobility's home.

I sigh as i climb out of bed, looking myself over, mumbling to myself "and thats number 6.." i grumble, barely noticing the door burst open "young master! You're awake! How are you feeling? You got hit by a carriage and didnt wake up!" A servant asked, a young woman about my age, pink hair this time, last one had cyan hair. "Im fine. Hey, i got memory loss, tell me about the place" i say, a somewhat tired look on my face, her assuming it was from my supposed coma. I had started to use memory loss as an excuse after the 3rd time reincarnating, i never appeared in the same world twice so far, so it worked.

After about a week, i had learned all i wanted to know about the current world i was in, the son of a major nobility, my current father being a military general in the fight against the Demon Lord.

5 times now ive had to collect a group of people and face the demon lord, me as the fighter, an inexperienced but overpowered mage, a cleric or priestess with self esteem issues, and a rogue or thief whos kind of a dick till after we beat some major monster. Of course, all of us 18 or younger.

Ancouple times now i just avoided my quest until it was absolutely required.

A month had passed and i was still putting off the quest, when i was visited by, at this point, an old pal

"Greetings chosen hero, i have been sent by the.. oh, its you again, whatsup" the holy being said, dropping the pretense "not much, avoiding the holy duty. Can you ask your boss to stop? This is the 6th time now ive had to do his dirty work, and im getting tired of it, can i just reincarnate as like.. i dunno, a shopkeeper? Ive killed 5 seperate demon lords, your boss needs to get off his lazy ass and do it himself for once."

"Honestly, i agree, but i dont make the rules, he wants you to do it again, ill try and talk to him about your request, but no promises"

"Whether he wants me to do it or not, i aint. Im going to move out of the kingdom, start a small shop, change my name, shit like that. Get as far away from this life as possible"

(Creative juices kinda ran out, also busy at work, so thats all i got)

I am the good.

The gods again entreat me to quell the evil but those immortal are blind to perverse mortality as it crushes a newborn babe. To grapple with one’s inner hell while losing to one’s bowels. To feign ignorance less I too become a monster. To wail & cry in the arms of a mother. To bounce on the knee of a father. To bury them before I come of age.

Yet it is my divine duty. To be the first to rise from the muds of despair, clutching hope in one hand and the sinner in the other. To drive the dagger deep into the dragon’s chest. To toil with no rest. To nurse a suckling kingdom. To pity the poor.

And what is my reward? A child dressed in fine threads? Boundless lands, raped by chaos? Expectations that forever after I shall be their bastion?

Have I not suffered enough? Am I forever cursed? When will I rest? When will I quench my parched throat? When will I sit with my back against the oaken trunk. When will I drift into the starry sky?

Too long have I walked this path. Should it never diverge, what then?

I can no longer abide the god’s laws. I will bear this yoke nevermore; lift the holy curse, rest as I please, overfill my cup, wake into the day. I will grasp all I desire. I will lock away the promised child. I will burn & salt the lands laughing as despair consumes hope. I will brith a dragon from the mud to swallow the sinner. I will not hide myself from those around me. I will grind them all to dust.

I am the evil.

Vlad popped a cigarette in his mouth. At least this world had them, the last two worlds hadn’t.

“So…you want me to save you guys from the demon king?” He asked.

“Devil king…” the villager said.

“Devil king, demon king, lord of fire, lord of damnation, the dark one, bringer of sorrow, I don’t give a shit anymore.”

“But sir…you’re the only one str-“

“I’m retired. This is the 6th goddamned time I’ve died and been to some stupid world with some stupidly named villain that only I can kill because I got some stupid video game power based on [insert copyright free title here]. I’m sick of this shit, I’m going to go pillage for awhile.”

“P-pillage?” The villager asked, beginning to tremble.

Vlad smirked. “Yeah, pillage. I have the Sword of Heroes, the Shield of Kings, the Ring of [Word other than power, but is definitely the ring of power], the Jock Strap of Biggus Dickus, The Chicago Jordan Air Ones that Michael Jordan wore, and this cool eyepatch. I’m taking over your stupid world, so good luck, buddy. I’d go take your family and get as far from here as possible, cause I’m burning this place as soon as I get back from the beach.”

The villager turned and ran. Vlad, on the other hand, spent a relaxing week at the beach, where the devil king showed up to attack him, but was cut down in a single swipe. Vlad, on other hand, died of a heart attack and was reincarnated into a seventh world, and then an eighth. Every single time that he set out to pillage the worlds, he accidentally saved them and then died. Eventually, he had saved every world and had the chance to meet the one responsible for all his resurrections.

Decked head to toe in legendary drip from all his resurrections and looking suspiciously like a pimp, along with a caravan that permanently followed him around to carry around the stuff he couldn’t fit on, he spoke up.

“Who are you?” He asked.

“I am Doiahbrhcuushjqkodjhhrgwh, but you may call me Jud,” the figure responded.

“Okay, Jud…but I meant…what do you do?”

“I am in charge of resurrections and world saving, Vlad. You have brought universal peace and I wanted to thank you.”

Vlad blinked, “Oh, uh…you’re welcome?”

“There isn’t anywhere to resurrect you to, anymore, I’m afraid. We’re shutting down business, but I wanted to give you any item you wanted and send you to any world you wanted. The universe owes you.”

“To be honest, Jud, I’m kinda tired. I think I’d like to just go to sleep. I’m ready to accept my death. I’ve seen and done everything. Can you let me have that?”

Jud smiled, emanating warmth. “Yeah, Vlad. I think you earned it. Do you have any affairs to set in order?”

Vlad shook his head. “I’m ready now.”

And everything went black for a moment.

A voice rang out in the darkness: “Congratulations, you’ve unlocked the necklace of zombie! With it, you’re brought back from the dead. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to the kill the demonic devil king of shadows, darkness, and eternal hellfire!”

Vlad opened his eyes and swore, “Jud, you son of a bitch!”

Chapter 1: I open this journal, a blank page upon which I gather what memory I have left. Like a dream they seem to fade from my mind every time I return to life. Every time a new world, every time another quest. Four times I believe this has happened, possibly a few more give or take. In my earliest memory I distinctly recall being rather tired of having to be awoken from my slumber.

I sit now at an inn's dining room, after renting a humble bedroom with the little coin I was given from the Oracle. The beer is rather bland in this world. Gods be good I still remember that one with dark beers that came in glass pints so that you could see the creamy foam. What I wouldn't give to have that again.

I woke up around a day ago at the shore. Washed up again it seems. The Oracle was a hermit and had made a campfire ready by the time I awoke. He invited me to sit and warm myself as he would tell me what would have to be done. That's what he said. "Come, lad. Come and sit and hear my tale! I foresaw that you would arrive here from distant lands. I knew you would come and I knew that only you could save us from the Western terror..."

Not this shite again, I thought. I had just gotten comfortable with my previous life. What was I again? I think an alchemist of sorts. No, wait, that was the second time. Oh yes, I was the heir to a throne. Gods be good, I miss the high life right now.

The Oracle began to tell me of some Empire that came from the west. "The Tenebras came during the Night. The mystical Emperor that bares no name but his title began a terrible war with his inhuman army. They kidnapped Princess Alicia the Maiden Queen. Her consort the Dragon Knight Yllia was driven mad with grief and lead the last of our Kingdom's troops to follow the Western terror Empire but has sent no word back to us. We fear the worst. But I saw that a Hero of great might would come, and your arrival has confirmed my prophecy!"

He actually went on a lot more but I honestly stopped listening after he said they kidnapped a princess. Why is it always princesses being kidnapped? And why is it always kidnapped but no hostage situation? They just lock the poor girls in a Tower for seemingly no reason. Maiden Queen, ha ha, that's a new one though. With a consort, wonder how that works.

The Oracle told me to go to this town on the right path of the crossroad and begin my journey, I would meet some man there that would teach me the skills of becoming a ranger. I know exactly how that was gonna end up: they train me as a scout, they send me off to an expedition of sorts, my teacher gets killed and or assassinated along the way but not before giving me some special artifact. Then I continue the journey into a land getting a ragtag team of misfits, usually four plus me that makes a five-man band. Power of friendship, yadi yadi. If we find that Dragon fart the Oracle mentioned he's either dead, dying or turned evil by a spell. If we meet that evil Emperor we're gonna be halfway defeated, someone might die for a week or so before revealed to have survived. Then we gather strength again, maybe learn magic or something I dont know. Defeat the guy, save the girl happily ever fucking after. Then I get to enjoy some peace and quiet until some fart knocks me out, I shit myself to death or killed while slaying a random Dragon. Rinse and repeat.

The Oracle told me to take the right at the crossroads, better fucking believe I took left.

Any minute now we're going to be ambushed. Then old Johan here would die heroically. Part of me wished I wasn't a girl this time around. He was always more fatherly when I was female. I had been through this song and dance so many times. Honestly at this point I was just feigning incompetence. Johan deserved that. Last we went through all of this I fought at my true best. The poor guy stilled and died.

I've decided to try something new. Something I know Johan wouldn't approve. It might mean his sacrifice was in vain.

Johan screams. I jump up because Honestly I'm probably going to die if I don't go through the futile motion of helping him. I destroyed enough of the evil emperor's lackeys that I wondered if there is a child somewhere that is vowing revenge right now. Let the little bugger come. It's one of the only interesting things that come from these cycles at this point. Because at least that changes from time to time in this cycle. I get to Johan and sure enough he's choking on his own blood. I've done this so many times that sight is no longer shocking. I bend down and pull out the bandage I have saved for this moment and try to stop the bleeding.

"You need to promise me." Johan grabs my wrist.

I look at him with what I hope is a brave face. But deep down I know it isn't. I've given up. I'm just tired. I just can't do these cycles anymore.

It was a nice feeling when I set up shop. I considered getting married but decided against it. Whatever, was keeping me trapped in this cycle would probably just use such a decision against me. Besides I didn't have anyone in mind, the only reason would be to spite the princess or was she a prince this time. I was paying as little attention as possible lest she find me.

The first year after I set up shop I heard that the princess had been captured. I pretended to think this was bad news. Sure she was a good leader but she made a terrible spouse. And let her walk all over me. I was pretty sure the magic that kept me trapped in this cycle made me fall in love with her. The princess for her part wasn't built for monogamy but pretended she wanted to for the prestige of marrying the chosen one. I read her journal once I realized that she was always on the lookout for another lover. I know, jerk move; but she kept marrying me and then doing every man she laid eyes on... I wanted to know what I was doing wrong… I just wished she’d commit or not commit.

As I reveled in the smell of yeast, the door of my bakery was flung open. I glowered at the all too familiar form who was currently tracking snow into my reputable establishment.

"Close the door." I snapped. "You're letting the cold air in."

"Don't you know who I am?" The Emperor said in his most menacing voice as he closed the door.

"His imperial majesty emperor Herbert. What can-"

"It's Egbert this time." His jaw clicked shut.

"This time?"

"Nothing, you misunderstood."

"Oh, I don't think I did."

"Fine. Every time you defeat me I'm reborn. And do this song and dance because-" I feel the magic snapping around him preventing him from saying what he really wants to say. His shoulders stiffen and in a voice that doesn’t sound quite right said, "I like power. I want to see you squirm."

I walked up to him. "You're here to kill me or make me kill you?" Before he can stop me I pull a strand of his hair from off his head.

"I'm going to kill you!" His eyes are just ever so slightly too bright.

"I'm sure you are but I have a contingency plan." I turned around. If he stabs me in the back so what?

He doesn't stab me though. "I can't wait to see it." He smiles coldly. “Seeing you fail completely will-”

"Please." The word uneven and desperate. And I can't help but wonder if he knows that I want to give up this game.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's going to be alright." Not exactly a promise but it does the trick. Johan relaxes for one strangely beautiful moment. He looks as though his cares are gone. I twinge of guilt because he believes I'm going to do my job as the chosen one. But I can't. I won't.

And then the lights leave his eyes. It reminds me why I'm quitting. It hurts, and the cycle just restarts itself over and over and over. Nothing changes.

I shake myself. I can and I will change this. I gather up all of the money and supplies. I make way to some town that has never played any role in any of my lives. I managed to buy myself an apprenticeship with a baker. My favorite lives were always the ones where I grew up in a bakery.

During my first year as an apprentice I'll admit I was jumpy. Part of me was convince that Johan was going to crawl out of his shallow grave and tell me how disappointed he was with me. My apprenticeship went smoothly and the only really exciting things that happened were the occasions the emperor conquered the odd territory, committed this atrocity blah, blah, blah. I was just numb it at this point. All that mattered what I was going to do if anyone from the cycle showed up to put me back on track. So I made a plan for each scenario. I wasn’t proud of some of them.

I pulled out the potion I had made just for this occasion out from under the counter and put the hair in it. "Bottoms up."

"Wait what are you doing?" Then he grabs his head as though in pain. Not the reaction I’d have now that I’ve handed him a complete victory.

As potion spread through me, life now has meaning again. Intellectually I know this was the most twisted and bizarre solution I could’ve come up with. But it made me feel better. I no longer care that Johan would be broken-hearted if he knew what I had done. The best part was this couldn't be undone.

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