"Hell's Gates, this is Anubis speaking."

"Hey, A! It'sth Peter."

"Oh hey, Pete! What's going on."

"Tho we got a weird thituation up here. We got a guy, a really good guy, lived a noble life and everything, thaying he doethn't belong in heaven. Not like 'I'm not thuppothed to be dead,' but like 'I don't wanna be in heaven.'"

"Oh, that's different. Is he asking for hell?"

"No not really... Lithen, I'm really buthy right now. Can I just thend you the file and the guy?"

"Yeah sure, Pete. I'm not busy at all."

"Ok great I'll thend them over.

"Pete, that was sarca.... Oh, he hung up..."

A few minutes later

"So you must be Eddie. I'm Anubis, nice to meet you. So, tell me about your problem."

"Yeah, so it's like that other guy said, you know the one with the lisp?"

"You mean Thaint Peter?"

"Haha, yeah that's the guy. I just don't think I want to go to heaven."

"Well, your file says you've lived an exemplary life. Special Ed teacher for 20 years? Started an organization for underrepresented Latinos? And that's just a smidge of your overall accomplishments. You definitely qualify for heaven, you even get to skip the line. Why don't you want to go?"

"Yeah, well, it sounds kind of boring, to be honest with you. The Bible says when you go to heaven you "get" to sing praise to God for the rest of eternity. I hate singing. I'm not even good at it."

"That's the Christian bible. Perhaps it got parts right but maybe it got heaven wrong? Personally, I've never been so I don't know for sure. Hell, for all we know, it could be like that Norse place."

"Isn't Valhalla in hell, though?"

"Um okay it's not like Valhalla."

"Plus, what if I want to, like, do something raunchy?"

"Er, like what?"

"Have sex? Masterbate? Play with my dick?"

"Oh, no worries there, those things don't go to heaven."

"MY DICK WON'T GO TO HEAVEN?? Alright, I'm definitely not going. Would my dick go to hell?"

"Purgatory, I think."

Well, can I play with my dick in purgatory? Are there women in purgatory?"

"At the moment."

"Sooo can I go to purgatory?"

"Well, I mean I guess so. It's just that purgatory is more like a queue than an actual place. At a certain point, the queue leads back to me or Peter. So at a certain point, we would have to do this again."

"Fine by me! Send me and my penis to purgatory!"

"Ooookay... See you in about 100 years. Goddamn, that prude, Pete, always sends me the weird ones."