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Kastaforean_ig_comm t1_j4sp4up wrote

All were handed little slips of pink paper by the archangel Michael and then he said “I know this is sudden and confusing but…your all fired. Your pantheon’s are all forfeit and you are no longer allowed to answer prayers. Rooms have been made available for you either in Hell/Tartarus/The realm of Isfet/Helheim whatever you call it. Additionally, you can if desired be rendered nonexistent by the almighty. Please, make your intentions known in the next…10 minutes? I’ve got a Sennercheib with an appointment in an hour, followed by my guy Daniel and some lions.”

The falcon headed god Horus and the helmed war god Ares rose up and said “YOU DON’T GET TO TELL US WHAT TO DO!” Horus then said “I cannot be conquered by the god of slaves!”

Michael looked at both then pointing at Horus said “listen here bird brain, Moses already slapped you in the dirt and he was a prophet of the almighty. I, WILL mess you up and bury your dumb ass in a hole.” He then shifted his finger to Ares and said “ I will do to you what I did to the betrayer with MY FOOT ON YOUR NECK, LANCE THROUGH YOUR DAMN SPINE PANSY!”

Horus looked aghast and Ares was stuck mid yell. Ra then said from his barque of the sun “Sir Michael, this convention was called to decide the true motives of your god. We are all called to discuss whether they are evil or good for all their actions. Because, frankly they are confusing to say the least. You have the Moses thing like you said and then there’s the whole bread from the sky thing and of course you’ve got the whole kill all the unbelievers deal in Cannan.”

At which point Zeus stands and says “we need an explanation for all these prophets sir. There’s so dang many of them. There’s Elijah, Samuel, John the Baptist and Moses to name a few. Plus you know how many saints to remember and why do we keep hearing they are a trinity. We need answers and wanted to discuss it all as responsible deities”

Michael ceases pointing at the war gods and crosses his arms. He then replies “look, you want to talk about this, that’s fine. Discuss at leisure though in the retirement homes provided to you. But right now for humanity the only things you all do is confuse them. If I’m being honest, your Socrates was right none of you are worthy of worship all of you do things that are more human than deific. Seriously Zeus a shower of gold impregnating a girl? Just how much adultery do you need to commit? And Ra, who abandons their post just because some girl learns your name? Are there any reasons to believe that humans don’t deserve a better class of Lord? You all fundamentally act like humans are beneath you, the almighty sees it as a parent looking after their children, loving all of them equally and punishing each according to their actions.”

As he finishes Michael shakes his head and shrugs before continuing “ probably some would complain that their lives are harder than they need to be, I know Lot could have. But part of being a parent is giving what you need not necessarily what you want. This is why we push humility and not revenge, yes there will be outliers but to borrow from something your Poseidon said sometimes what mortals do in our name says more about them than it does about us. That’s why the almighty plays the long game, and says to each human soul before they are born, I love you and couldn’t imagine my creation without you. Be born and make it richer in life and experience so that the lives you touch are in turn touched by me.”

The meeting did not continue long after this. Most left for the afterlife and a few chose oblivion. Michael his duty done returned to the lord and resumed his post in heaven whatever it might inevitably be from then on.

Sorry I don’t write much so formatting is a little strange on my phone. I just wrote til I ran out.


JohnStoneTypes t1_j4tffx2 wrote

>He then shifted his finger to Ares and said “ I will do to you what I did to the betrayer with MY FOOT ON YOUR NECK, LANCE THROUGH YOUR DAMN SPINE PANSY!”

Michael needs to be sent in for anger management training XD


Kastaforean_ig_comm t1_j4tiijf wrote

I mean truly, he can’t be all that chill. Every piece of art he features in shows him either cutting the devil and stomping on his neck or pointing a sword at people. Not to mention the whole fiery sword at the gate of Eden thing. Or the thirty thousand men he slew in a single night in I think Babylon or something.

He is the angriest of bois.


woodrobin t1_j4usqkn wrote

I'm sorry to say this, but this feels like a fanfic written by Pat Robertson.


Kastaforean_ig_comm t1_j4xvdmq wrote

Not sure there’s enough vitriol or televangelist for pat. But I kinda ran out of steam before the end. I just couldn’t think of any good things for them to talk about.


Dawsho t1_j4uivus wrote

can we get the guy that voiced the angel in ultrakill to read this?