I'm just imagining someone trying to run a true secret speakeasy, and they're just hanging around an empty bar day in and day out hoping enough people know about it and show up.

Hate to agree here, but the places you listed are indeed just cocktail bars OP lol

Closest thing to a proper speakeasy I can think of is maybe Wurst Bar which has a separate entrance through a full-sized cooler.

My actual recommendation would be to go into DC - the Gibson is a great speakeasy