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FrustratingMangooose t1_irys4ve wrote

Reply to comment by bookdealmaybe in The hidden transphobia in "The Art of Being Normal" by hayzulhay

I do not know what the technician was thinking, but I live in an area where professionals will look at you like you are crazy no matter what. Such is the case of living in NYC. If it was the result of transphobia, I am transphobic too because I do something similar. I remember walking into a store, and I had seen this person. I do not know their pronouns, but they had long hair and body hair and wore a dress with boots. My immediate reaction was, “oh, wow. What are they? Transgender? Non-binary? Interesting.” Yes, I continued to stare subtly, and the more I stared, the more curious I became. I met my reaction curiously, but I never had any ill-mannered response such as, “oh my God. What is that?” I never thought, “Jesus Christ. Why is a dude wearing a dress?” We cannot assume everyone will ponder with malevolence unless we become mind readers. Could she have stared at you out of transphobia, yes? Can you guarantee that was the case? Not unless you asked her. What if she liked what you were wearing? Your hair? Maybe you have beautiful eyes. I can think of a million reasons why I stare at people, and mostly because I am curious or something about them captivates me. Now, since this is your experience, I am going to say that you have right every right to say she was doing it because of transphobia, but you should also know not everyone will meet you with transphobia. It is a defensive mechanism, if you ask me, to assume everyone we meet has an issue with us but is that so? Does everyone have a problem with trans people? I do not know your journey, nor can I argue your experience, but I wanted to provide you with an alternative. Sometimes we think people are against us when it is quite the opposite.

I agree that people have biases they cannot control, but transphobia is transphobia. If you internalize it, you can equally externalize it. Regardless of how an individual expresses their transphobia, the harm it does collectively is enough. There are a lot of issues with JK Rowling that make her transphobic, which were not biases, but logical fallacies, since her arguments have since been debunked.

An example of internalized transphobia was the need to “pass.” This issue has only recently come to fruition, but it has roots in internalized transphobia because many people deemed passing as a requirement to having your trans identity verified. It was not transphobic to want your body and gender to align, but it was transphobic to make people think that your trans identity has validity if you pass. This is STILL an issue in our community and does not stop with only cisgender people.

Another issue rooted in internalized transphobia is wanting your voice to match your identity so others would feel more comfortable, which, again, has only recently come to fruition.

There are many examples of internalized transphobia that unironically coexist with externalized transphobia. Why? Because it’s transphobia. It does not matter how you express it, it is transphobic to hold those beliefs, and most examples do not only harm the person. It damages trans individuals altogether. You can call it different names and say, “well, this is [...],” but the basis of these two remains the same: transphobia. How that person expresses their transphobia will be different, but it is transphobic nonetheless. There is no shame in accepting that you are transphobic. I was transphobic, and I had to work with a therapist to unpack that. I thought saying, “well, the least I could do is pass,” and “I need to dress more femininely if I want to call myself transgender.” “I am too masculine-looking to use she/her pronouns” were acceptable. The worst offender? “Trans women cannot enter women’s spaces unless they have womanly parts.” Yes. Inevitably, while applying these beliefs to myself, I began to externally apply them to other trans individuals. Some people never do that, but all things in the dark will eventually come to light, no?

I thought it was sensible to have these views, but these are transphobic, and they not only harmed me —but also how I spoke about our community in the past likely left people with a sour taste in their mouths, which gave them more reasons to hate us. Transphobia affects everyone; it does not end with you.

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bookdealmaybe t1_iryt4zu wrote

>I am going to say that you have right every right to say she was doing it because of transphobia, but you should also know not everyone will meet you with transphobia.

No, I agree, not everyone will meet me with transphobia. Not everyone does. She looked at me like I was about to mug her, when I was just signing into my appointment. Maybe not transphobia, but balance of probability, yeah it was.

No, what I mean is even the cis people I know who support trans people (even the ones who do more than just pay lip service) have issues with trans issues. A guy at my work told someone to fuck off for calling me 'whatever that thing is' and he's knowledgeable about transition and stuff, but when he texts me, he specifically refers to me as a 'guy' and 'bro', even after I've asked him not to.

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FrustratingMangooose t1_iryug9k wrote

No, I understand what you mean. I knew someone like that. They will “support” trans people while simultaneously discarding their existence. All I was saying is keeping our minds open to both possibilities is a lot healthier than assuming everyone is against us. Some people, as you have pointed out, are downright transphobic. They try to be accepting, but we all know they would be more comfortable ignoring our existence. I have met too many people that pretend to be an ally only because “I pass as a woman.” It makes no sense. Your experience with the technician is valid, especially having more context; I would have likely assumed it was out of transphobia too.

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bookdealmaybe t1_iryv1gj wrote

Yeah, I feel <3

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Don't get it twisted, I'm a 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar' type girl. I just have a tendency to keep an eye on people who I feel have a little transphobia in them (by my definition). I still treat them as sweet as I can, but I make sure I'm safe with them before I come near being alone with them.

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FrustratingMangooose t1_irywjhl wrote

No, yeah. I treat everyone with respect, but too many people abuse it. You can never know when people are going to use your identity against you, and interestingly enough, they always switch up when they find out. Hm.

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bookdealmaybe t1_irytsxc wrote

Oh, just for reference, I live in Arkansas, aka the state that currently has a law being fought in the courts on whether trans kids should be allowed hormones. So, yeah, our experiences with trans issues are probably a lot different.

Not to mention iirc, you're bipoc, so if I understand correctly, you probably have different experiences from a white trans girl even in NYC?

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FrustratingMangooose t1_iryv5dn wrote

Oh, then yeah, I would argue it is much easier to transition in NYC than in some other people. Socially, though, it is dangerous, especially for a BIPOC. I chose to transition after high school because I could not deal with the trans folk ending up in hospitals, committing suicide because of bullying, etc. It was too much for me. I did not want to end up like them, as horrible as that sounds. A lot of my internalized transphobia is a direct reflection of how people in New York viewed trans folks, so that’s what I was saying that.

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bookdealmaybe t1_iryvj4v wrote

Oh, fam (I was gonna say girl, but I'm not certain if that's correct). I am with you on that. I've known I was trans for a while but only recently started to present as myself in public, because I was terrified of coming out in the south. Kept trying to move to better places before making that leap. Idk if I'm ever gonna be able to get out of the south at this rate, so I said fuck it.

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FrustratingMangooose t1_iryxni1 wrote

A girl is fine! I am non-binary, so whatever pronouns people use are okay as long as they are respectful. I knew I was trans forever, and even though I had a good support system, it was scary transitioning. People say the medical aspect of transition is hard, but I say the social aspect is like a knife on a chalkboard.

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bookdealmaybe t1_iryyel1 wrote

Oh, frfr. I knew i was trans at like 16 or so, but even my mom admits there were signs from 3-4 years old. My dad's a baptist preacher, so it was hard to come out to them. even when i did they "supported" me in that they didn't kick me out, but i still to this day (14 years later) have to convince my dad that trans people can exist without assuming his god made a mistake

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FrustratingMangooose t1_iryzi90 wrote

I think I knew I was trans right when puberty hit, and that solidified that I was not going to be a girl. I mean, I am dramatizing it because I developed feminine features as I went through puberty, but the thought of testosterone coursing through my body was such an uncomfortable feeling that I quite literally went through half my life thinking that I can ignore it 😪

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bookdealmaybe t1_irz039x wrote

Girl, I legit think i repressed my transness, cause I remember when i was a kid i had dreams of being a girl, I dressed in secret (before i ever knew being trans was a thing). I knew something was up, but never knew what.

I remember in gym in high school being weirded out cause when we did jumping jacks a certain feature flopped against the front of my shorts. I legit phoned in jumping jacks to avoid the possibility that it might be noticable cause it made me super dysphoric.

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FrustratingMangooose t1_irz2f5h wrote

I used to do the same thing! I remember having to explain how it feels to wake up every day feeling disconnected from yourself. Every dream I had, was the person I wanted to be but had no way of becoming. It was weird that I could never picture myself as a man when people said, “where do you see yourself in ten years,” and it was so difficult to imagine myself as a man😪 Not telling people I would like to be a happy woman was like I was lying to myself

I hated P.E. for the same reasons you had. Dressing up where my (invisible, but still felt) muscles were showing and having my junk move was uncomfortable, especially since I wore tight clothing to prevent movement since I did not know what tucking was at the time. Oh, and entering the boy’s locker room? I hated it. It was so uncomfortable

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bookdealmaybe t1_irz3gff wrote

I daydream before going to bed to wind down my brain (where most of my stories start out funnily enough) and it was always a girl me. It's a wonder it took so long to click honestly!

I didnt mind the boys locker room specifically so much as the fact i had to change in front of people. i got in the habit p quick of wearing my gym clothes under my uniform so i could just slip out of the uniform, throw it in a locker and go

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FrustratingMangooose t1_irzw14m wrote

Ugh, yeah. That feeling of realization is the best, though. You finally have an answer to what was going through your head the whole time

I don’t know, maybe it was because of my school, but transphobia was disgustingly apparent, and the boys (the children within my grade) changed with the men (the people older than us; seniors), which never made any sense, but you know. Thank God I’m in college, lmao

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FrustratingMangooose t1_iryzu88 wrote

My dad was a regular one, honestly. Most of my family was more progressive than I thought, but I never told my mom that I was trans. I have no idea how she will react, but that day will come when it comes. (Sadly)

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