How to make Hospital Coffee

Submitted by RADroid t3_11bu00s in funny

  1. You have to leave the lid off the beans for a few days in the laundry room to capture hospital essence. It is ready when it has strong bandaid notes.

  2. Grab a filter, or don't, but measuring is unimportant. The variance in scoops is what gives you the nuance from batch to batch. Fill it to the top so that the grounds can spillover into the carafe for texture.

  3. ?

  4. Crank the heat on the warmer to reduce for 3 - 48 hrs for a thick mouthfeel. Then remove from heat until tepid and set aside next to the super long q-tips and tongue depressants

  5. When the patient yells "CoFfEe" into their old ass bed remote, Microwave it for 5 minutes in a wax cup. This leaves a nice waxy cremà on the top, and has the steamy appearance of a freshly brewed cup.

  6. Serve the wax, bean, and bandaid brew to patient with a shrug. Then get out of there before they can cool it down enough to taste it.

  7. Charge it to the patients tab: ($49.99). Insurance will prolly cover it.

  8. Get some fresh sheets and extra toilet paper ready for the room. And make bets at the nurses station on how long till you get that second call.

*Not a knock on nurses. They are overworked as it is. Doing absolutely everything in here on 72hr shifts. Apparently they also have to make coffee. Instructions are always helpful (see step #3)

163

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

RADroid OP t1_j9zu7zr wrote

Been in the hospital all week with my wife, giggling in the corner writing this. At least we are leaving with our new baby daughter soon. Then I can mess the coffee up at home... my way.

78

topsheetisamust t1_j9zvogk wrote

I have 2 children, both born in hospitals (2 different) the worst part about the entire thing is the hospital food/beverages. Nothing like pushing out an entire human without eating for the whole process only to then get served hot garbage with a side of mud coffee, especially as a new parent running on no sleep lol. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I understand you can get food from elsewhere but that wasn’t as easy as that either time with Covid protocols

11

Qq1nq94 t1_ja01lmu wrote

The hospital where my daughter was born had a Starbucks in it 😆

11

Spare_King_2116 t1_ja3wtav wrote

My husband knew how crucial a decent cup of coffee was to my mood so he brought my french press and a fresh ground bag of my favorite beans to the hospital. Most hospitals have a microwave or a hot water spout on their coffee makers. So we had wonderful coffee to drink and share with our visitors. My OB loved it too. I Gave him his own to stash in his office... as a nurse that takes call I know how to be resourceful and make a good cup of coffee at any hour!

3

pro2a_guy t1_ja0hl34 wrote

Can confirm, 2 NICU kids, many years ago both doing great, longest stay was 43 days. Kinda want to go make a batch now.... congrats.

5

circus_circuitry t1_ja1egj1 wrote

Also 2 NICU kids. First one was 4.5 months the second stayed 2 months. I do not have any fond memories of the food.

3

Churtlenater t1_j9zvvri wrote

Guys in r/kitchenconfidential would think this is a riot. Some of them work in hospital kitchens.

“Waxy cremà” had me rolling 😂

Also congrats on the kiddo

38

ItsStrib1978 t1_ja1hi0d wrote

I used to work in one of the craziest trauma ER’s in the country. The coffee in the break rooms could be used to fuel your car, I swear to God. You’d be hopped up for three days if you managed to finish a full cup.

10

Ylevolym t1_ja14921 wrote

Our coffee is decaf instant no name brand. I try and hype it up but somehow no one wants any, what a shame!

5

Wonderful-Carpet-48 t1_ja2zzmu wrote

Same here. Also we have no hot water spout or kettle so the water is microwaved in a styrofoam up.

3

Ylevolym t1_ja5m3gx wrote

Yes the styrofoam really sells how terrible it is, thankfully we have teabags

2

maggieufledu t1_ja3dxx7 wrote

Seeing that coffee brewing isn’t skilled care, the nurses shouldn’t even be spending any of their time on it!!! But take my upvote #3 tickled me most.

4

HaZalaf t1_j9zvtaf wrote

Wait. It makes them poo themselves?

2

StrixKid t1_ja4c9yw wrote

>Waxy Cremà

🤣

2

Suzi_Pants t1_ja4lbez wrote

Congrats on your new kiddo!!! And down in theatres we’re all convinced the coffee is just what’s swept up off the floors at the end of the day but somehow caffeinated? Thank god there are anaesthetists and surgeons that will occasionally spring for coffees from the shop downstairs!

2

AutoModerator t1_j9ztomb wrote

>This is a friendly reminder to read our rules. > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >Comics may only be posted on Wednesdays and Sundays. > >Rule-breaking posts may result in bans. > >Please also be wary of spam. >

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1