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fishead62 t1_j2ebg4y wrote

You’ve come to the right place: an old Texan. I’ll leave it to you make it sfw

  • Busier than a one-armed paper hanger
  • As useless as tits on a nun
  • As useless as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
  • Dumber than a box of hammers 
  • They hid behind the door when God gave out brains
  • If they had a brain, they’d take it out play and with it
  • He’d complain about a blowjob
  • (on someone being very angry) They were foamin’ like a dog on a frog.

I’ll come back if I remember more.

18

Cth43 OP t1_j2esmo8 wrote

This is what I am looking for

2

rvarjg t1_j2f60rg wrote

Don’t listen to that guy. He couldn’t find his ass with both hands.

He’s a few fries short of a happy meal. A sandwich short of a picnic.

He ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Dumb as a bag of hair.

How am I doing? I’m as fine as frog hair.

He’s getting too big for his britches.

That guy will hold onto a nickel so tight, he’ll make the Buffalo burp.

2

rvarjg t1_j2f6a6h wrote

Hell, I’d piss on a spark plug if I thought it’d do any good.

1

bull304 t1_j2far1l wrote

Sharp as a basketball, that guy.

2

Carlos-In-Charge t1_j2ebecn wrote

I’d really like to help you, but this is something you need to earn for yourself. You just have to get your ducks in a row, roll up your sleeves, use a little elbow grease, and put your nose to the grindstone. All while pulling yourself up by your boot straps.

10

omen-schmomen t1_j2ed1vw wrote

He's got Zachary disease. Looks Zachary like a monkeys ass.

7

USMCWrangler t1_j2ee85l wrote

You can sort the fly shit from the pepper but it doesn’t change anything.

6

Personal_Flow2994 t1_j2ehica wrote

If brains were dynamite they wouldn't have enough to blow their nose

5

mezaway t1_j2ec1nf wrote

Sharp as a ball

Too stupid to hit the floor with his hat

3

tim310rd t1_j2ex1yq wrote

Locked up tighter than a nuns knickers

It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs

Gave it a lick and a promise (they did a poor job)

Amputate your timber (go away)

Beat the devil around the stump (to avoid responsibility)

Brick in his hat (he's drunk)

Didn't have a tail feather left (being broke)

Hard row to hoe (tough job)

3

luna1108 t1_j2el9bv wrote

The bees don’t waste time explaining to flies that honey taste better than shit.

2

hamster-cow t1_j2evipd wrote

-He couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. (Alternately, he couldn’t piss his way out of a paper bag. ) -About as useful as tap shoes on a mule. -Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. -About as helpful as a screen door in a snowstorm.

2

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1

leftyblack t1_j2efnxn wrote

Must be dead from the neck up

Could bring a tear to a glass eye

You look finer than a new set of snow tires

1

bitsybear1727 t1_j2equxh wrote

"Meaner than a sore-tailed cat"

"I told you to leave it alone, that's what you get for messing with it." - could be anything from an unsafe thing to climb to a dog or animal lol, if you were told and did it anyway, it's your own fault.

1

Inabind4U t1_j2f9s4x wrote

Ya got two ears and 1 mouth...maybe talk less and listen more!

1

Delphina34 t1_j2fayoz wrote

He’s not the brightest knife in the shed

1

REVSWANS t1_j2fdvg8 wrote

That guy is so shady, he'll steal your chimney and come back later for the smoke.

1

Soz3r t1_j2eautd wrote

get over yourself

−1

zakolo46 t1_j2feh8m wrote

“That’s as wrong as two boys kissing”

−1