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get over yourself

I’d really like to help you, but this is something you need to earn for yourself. You just have to get your ducks in a row, roll up your sleeves, use a little elbow grease, and put your nose to the grindstone. All while pulling yourself up by your boot straps.

You’ve come to the right place: an old Texan. I’ll leave it to you make it sfw

• Busier than a one-armed paper hanger
• As useless as tits on a nun
• As useless as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
• Dumber than a box of hammers 
• They hid behind the door when God gave out brains
• If they had a brain, they’d take it out play and with it
• He’d complain about a blowjob
• (on someone being very angry) They were foamin’ like a dog on a frog.

I’ll come back if I remember more.

Sharp as a ball

Too stupid to hit the floor with his hat

He's got Zachary disease. Looks Zachary like a monkeys ass.

You can sort the fly shit from the pepper but it doesn’t change anything.

Must be dead from the neck up

Could bring a tear to a glass eye

You look finer than a new set of snow tires

If brains were dynamite they wouldn't have enough to blow their nose

[removed]

The bees don’t waste time explaining to flies that honey taste better than shit.

"Meaner than a sore-tailed cat"

"I told you to leave it alone, that's what you get for messing with it." - could be anything from an unsafe thing to climb to a dog or animal lol, if you were told and did it anyway, it's your own fault.

This is what I am looking for

-He couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. (Alternately, he couldn’t piss his way out of a paper bag. ) -About as useful as tap shoes on a mule. -Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. -About as helpful as a screen door in a snowstorm.

Locked up tighter than a nuns knickers

It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs

Gave it a lick and a promise (they did a poor job)

Amputate your timber (go away)

Beat the devil around the stump (to avoid responsibility)

Brick in his hat (he's drunk)

Didn't have a tail feather left (being broke)

Hard row to hoe (tough job)

https://www.reddit.com/r/therewasanattempt/comments/zzw39f/to_mobile_order/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Don’t listen to that guy. He couldn’t find his ass with both hands.

He’s a few fries short of a happy meal. A sandwich short of a picnic.

He ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Dumb as a bag of hair.

How am I doing? I’m as fine as frog hair.

He’s getting too big for his britches.

That guy will hold onto a nickel so tight, he’ll make the Buffalo burp.

Hell, I’d piss on a spark plug if I thought it’d do any good.

Ya got two ears and 1 mouth...maybe talk less and listen more!

Sharp as a basketball, that guy.

He’s not the brightest knife in the shed

That guy is so shady, he'll steal your chimney and come back later for the smoke.

“That’s as wrong as two boys kissing”

Meaner than cat dirt

“Hard as a brick bat.”