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Cerberus73 t1_j6jbbcd wrote

It's not that easy to flip the switch from love and devotion to raging hate all at once. This guy is going to be processing this for a long time.

And, of course, forgiving someone is very different from understanding them or wanting anything to do with them ever again.


Gravity_Beetle t1_j6l2kpf wrote

Reading through the comments... do people not pin this as an obvious case of postpartom psychosis? do people realize that's a thing?

it is a well documented and dangerous medical condition that hits suddenly, causes hallucinations, paranoia, and complete disconnection with reality in rare cases. this woman was already getting counseling for PPD 5 days a week and speaking out about her struggles with it... doesn't seem like a large leap.

this woman deserves our pity. she woke up from one nightmare into another.


noble_29 t1_j6n7cbn wrote

Too many people don’t understand what an altered mental state is. Even less understand what psychosis is and what it entails. Too many people are acting like the person who committed this atrocity is the same person who loved and cared for these kids every day. It may have been the same person physically but it certainly was not the same person mentally and her husband even acknowledges this. Everything about this situation is devastating to all parties involved but demonizing the mother for something that she had no control over helps nobody.

It’s clear to tell when someone doesn’t understand mental health issues when they say “well why doesn’t mass shooter X get sympathy for mental illness?” Not every mental health disorder is created equal and the vast majority of them do not cause complete breaks from reality. Lumping a diagnosis like psychosis with something like sociopathy or bipolar is completely unfair, but some can’t understand that “black and white” does not exist with issues like this. Good vs evil is not the argument here no matter how many people try to say it is.


jabbanobada t1_j6j8dlz wrote

I have sympathy for the guy and even the woman to some degree, but fuck, I'm not giving them money. This is the woman's legal defense fund, but they don't admit it and instead focus on the tragedy that does not have a solution measured in dollars. They aren't event poor. Why in the world do people give money to shit like this?


The_eldritch_bitch t1_j6jkw72 wrote

I know when my friends lost their daughter they were both unable to work due to mental health issues for a while. They used it to pay medical insurance, bills, funeral, mortgage, for a few years.

Is it her legal defense? He’s clearly in the throes of grief and shock right now. I’m sure it hasn’t all set in


mari815 t1_j6kvf4a wrote

I don’t think the husband will be able to work for a long time. I can’t imagine the pain he has and how much this will impact his functioning for the rest of his life.


swoldier_force t1_j6j3nls wrote

I’m not married, don’t have kids, and am not a psychologist.

Is it really that easy to forgive someone so soon who literally broke your life and your heart? Or is this some kind of shock and coping mechanism?


BNL52577 t1_j6jb0gz wrote

There is so much about mental health we are still learning about. There is so much complexity to relationships that it's difficult to easily and definitively declare anything.

I don't know know these people and don't want to dig. But I know what I have been through, what I have seen in the lives of those I love. When challenges are long-standing, there is the possibility of both hating the challenge & hating the disease, and loving the person and loving the existence you have.

Again, my focus is not on these people specifically. I just hope that each of us can lighten the load of others when we have the capacity. And I hope that we have our own loads lightened when they become unbearable.

Take care of yourselves.


paganlobster t1_j6jhlxm wrote

Well said. These folks need the same thing they needed before it happened: a lot of grace and support.


paganlobster t1_j6jh7up wrote

He was also not supposed to leave her alone... I don't blame him but he made a bad call so he may be feeling some guilt himself.


bb5199 t1_j6mk0hb wrote

I blame him. Instructed not to leave her alone and then he does exactly that. I'm sure this wasn't the first time he left her alone either.


what_comes_after_q t1_j6jb5ij wrote

I am married and still not an expert, but I do know this guy needs professional help. Having your partner do some so unimaginably horrible creates a conflicting image of someone who you love dearly, and your brain can’t rationalize these two incomparable facts. He wants to forgive because he still sees her as who she was before this tragedy - probably the most important cornerstone of his life that he would do anything for. Reconciling how someone you know like that can do something so out of character is going to take lots of therapy to work through and unpack.


AbsentThatDay2 t1_j6kt0te wrote

This isn't something therapy is going to fix. The guy is just going to suffer just like anyone else would that was in his shoes. There's no philosophical do-over, something terrible happened to him. You can't understand emotional pain enough that it doesn't hurt like hell. There's no theory of life that will make everything better. He's going to hurt, and some day when he doesn't hurt anymore he'll miss it.


birdprom t1_j6j5p55 wrote

You said exactly what I was going to say.

If we're doing the five stages of grief, this guy is clearly still in denial. Inevitably anger's going to make an appearance sooner or later though. Just a matter of time. My heart breaks for the guy.


paganlobster t1_j6ji5k4 wrote

>The five stages of grief are ingrained in our cultural consciousness as the natural progression of emotions one experiences after the death of a loved one. However, it turns out that this model is not science-based, does not well describe most people's experiences, and was never even meant to apply to the bereaved.

Just pointing this out to help dispel the myth and because I have a personal vendetta against pop psychology and self-help.


AnyRound5042 t1_j6j5it6 wrote

Everybody is different but definitely and emphatically no. Probably just trying desperately to hold on to a piece of the life that was ripped from him. In a sick kind of way I'd be interested in an update on their relationship in a couple years


yahabbibi t1_j6koin7 wrote

Not to get all philosophical, but where does all the love go? I am also single, no kids, no psychology degree. But you love someone and you love these little people so much and suddenly it's all gone. Who do you love? I see it somewhat as shock and a coping mechanism. If this was an existing issue, ad it seems to have been, he must have been mourning the loss of his partner and the mother of his kids before this horrible thing happened. Perhaps the feelings will change with his grief, there will be anger, rage, maybe hate, but for now I think the only thing this man is holding onto right now is the love.


deadliftothersup t1_j6jiom7 wrote

I am literally all those things and I have no idea how I personally would respond. I don't think most people know truly how they would respond either. Without knowing them and processing it with them, speculation is all we have available to us.


sound_of_apocalypto t1_j6nr4v1 wrote

It could be a coping mechanism. To fully embrace the anger and frustration he's likely feeling right now might drive him mad. But I do think people should entertain forgiveness more often than they seem to in this world. I'm not saying this woman shouldn't be punished, but punishment never brings back the victims or heals the family of the victims. Holding onto anger and hate is self-destructive.


CeciWhutIMean t1_j6nrvej wrote

It’s about understanding mental health and how dramatically it can change a person’s behavior. When someone is depressed, you don’t turn your back on them and this is that to the millionth degree.


DontListen2Me-I-Lie t1_j6mzj5a wrote

My heart breaks for all of them. Including the mom.... if she was in a psychosis due to postpartum, there's a good chance she doesn't REALLY understand what she did.... and honestly, if that is the case, there's gonna be no punishment worse than the guilt she will feel once she "feels better" snaps out of it. Or whatever...


[deleted] t1_j6j4r7p wrote



bostonmacosx t1_j6jg263 wrote

Wonder what people would ever do without social media and GoFundMe... you're looking at 100-150K for legal fees for murder.....


Positive-Material t1_j6j5bwl wrote

imagine if a black woman did it


cmh413 t1_j6j8uwv wrote

Ok I am imagining. Alright, I’ve got it. It would be the exact same tragedy, and be equally as sad. Just the people would be black. That is all.


birdprom t1_j6j9qof wrote

It would be equally as sad, yes. But would the GoFundMe be up to 900k? I'm guessing that was the point of the question.


cmh413 t1_j6jaapy wrote

That’s literally free money given by random donators that subsequently, nobody is entitled to. Who gives a shit about a hypothetical disparity? Are you gonna campaign for white people to donate money to black go fund mes? This isn’t a shot at you, just a shot at the idea that a fundraiser for a private (almost dead) person holds any kind of racist context.

Yes, you could make that point. And I would imagine you are right. But 1), it’s not worth talking about, 2) we can’t do anything about it 3) humans naturally flock to their tribe (financially/social class, race, religion). I don’t wanna circle jerk about how a black family wouldn’t receive the same funding, because it has jack shit to do with what really happened.

You’re literally shooting down the kindness of random strangers trying to make sure the husband is taken care of, and the deceased receive a proper burial. We’re thinking about dad here, and potentially rehabilitating the mother, however long that takes. It’s honestly gross to turn this into a race thing.

Oh, no! I’m a racist for my opinions! The people messaging me definitely aren’t a bunch of white internet prowlers who interact with people of color with white gloves.


birdprom t1_j6jbx4l wrote

Your comment makes me so tired...I wish I had your energy. So mainly I'm not going to respond. But I just wanted to pull out what I feel is the most important bit, which is:

>3) humans naturally flock to their tribe (financially/social class, race, religion).

You're a bigot, and not worth my or anyone else's time. Have a nice day.


cmh413 t1_j6je1c3 wrote

You’re right. I’m a bigot. Me personally putting thousands of dollars into supporting education reform in Western Massachusetts communities and actually putting my feet on the ground with habitat for humanity in Springfield is bigoted. The fuck have you done to better the disparaged communities and social structures that you’re speaking on?

Literally spend any time around someone who’s trying to pull themselves out of Section 8 or generations of leeching family members. They’ll also tell you’re focusing on the little things for the sake of argument instead of enacting change with action.


RLANTILLES t1_j6jjynv wrote

This dude needs to go outside.


cmh413 t1_j6jn3fm wrote

He’s also the kind of dude to say “you’re either right or left” instead of actually talking about things in a way where a valid compromise is the end goal. I couldn’t imagine going to a discussion board to hardside. It’s entirely contradictory. A whole family internally torn apart and (mostly) murdered shouldn’t be a race discussion. That’s someone who wants to be right wherever they can.

I would also like to point out that I’m 19. Imagine getting politically eviscerated by a tiny man-child. Slathering a bunch of words around the internet like a macaroni finger-painting.


Simon_Jester88 t1_j6j8jrv wrote



dupattaluella t1_j6jz68b wrote

I wonder if she had PPD that was left undiagnosed. She did have an 8 month old, so it would be possible. And she could have trauma from her job as well that could make PPD even worse. Not saying it justifies what she did, but it could help explain how she could snap.


settimo_cielo t1_j6k54ah wrote

Article According to this report she was in an intensive 5 day a week program for PPD. The father worked from home to help support her. It just wasn't enough.


KayakerMel t1_j6l0cle wrote

Not just PPD, but likely PP psychosis, the most severe form of postpartum mood disorders.


oceanwave4444 t1_j6l1vem wrote

This. She wasn’t herself… when she does wake up and come back to herself, she’s going to be an an entirely different kind of hell. PPP is a super serious condition and doesn’t get enough attention. We need to do better. Being a mom for little kids close to the same age, along with coming out of working at a hospital during a global pandemic could break anyone… my heart bleeds for everyone involved…


dupattaluella t1_j6koy90 wrote

That is so sad. I feel bad for her, the kids, and the husband. PPD can be horrible for some women.


bb5199 t1_j6mjw55 wrote

He just HAD to go out for food and leave her alone.


AbsentThatDay2 t1_j6ks6gs wrote

That's some seriously dark stuff. You hear about animals doing this in the wild, sacrificing the weaker child to neglect to ensure the stronger child or the mother lives. There should be no reason for this in a first world country. If we need to address a potential homicide risk in recent mothers that's maybe something to look into.


pillbinge t1_j6k4l56 wrote

Forgiveness is one thing, but obviously that doesn't mean getting her out of legal consequences. I think he will have to forgive her, but from outside prison, where she will likely end up.


Comfortable_Plant667 t1_j6ji25s wrote

Nah, not me. This is kind of forgiveness is what Jesus is for.


Crafty-Pin-6051 t1_j6k4ax4 wrote

If the roles were reversed here , the man would be a monster and the discussion would be about domestic violence in the home and how men are usually the perpetrators. Not saying whether that is wrong or right but she does not have my sympathy in the slightest


BeingFosterRr t1_j6kc8ub wrote

And everyone would be all over the mom wondering how she could leave her kids with him.