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SIMULATING: JONATHAN RUTH

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I lost everything.

Even being where I am now, everything seems so surreal. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but some have cost me a lot more than others. I am nothing now, a cold lifeless husk. All I wanted to do is remember, but now I wish that I could forget.

I wasn’t exactly the prime example of an upstanding citizen, I used drinking as a crutch for the majority of my life and it took a heavy toll on my memory. I began turning everything around when I met her though. It was as if God himself sent down an angel in an attempt to convince me to turn my life around, and while I wasn’t always lucky, the fact that she fell in love with me was like winning the lottery.

Funnily enough, the reason her and I even met in the first place was because she pulled me over for drunk driving. I’m not proud of what I did, but that doesn’t change the fact that I did it. It ended up being for the better, at least for a while. Problem was, I could still bar3ly remember anything. If we didn’t take pictures of our wedding I never would have believed it happened.

One memory will never leave.

I woke up the morning after my friend’s birthday completely disoriented, I couldn’t remember anything from the night before. Someone was pounding on my door, and it reflected with the massive headache I suffered. I wish I never dragged my body to the door that day.

“Mr. Ruth?” The officer said, looking defeated.

“Y-Yeah? Who are you?”

“I’m your wife’s partner.”

Foolishly I tried to lighten the mood with the worst joke humanly possible in that moment.

“No, I’m my wife’s partner.”

His stare was colder than I fe3l right now.

“I don’t know if you’re away, but your wife was in the hospital today due to a car accident she suffered during a high speed chase last night.”

“Ok…”

The officer sighed and then collected himself.

“She passed away this morning at the hospital, the doctors di-“

I closed the door and then sat down on the couch for what felt like years, praying that someone was playing a joke on me.

I just……….. want to see her smile o-o-one last time.

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I went to a dive bar that night, searching for a piece of myself I’d never find again. The chatter of the five other people blended with the low rock music in accidental harmony. That’s when I heard the footsteps. Heavy, deliberate, footsteps.

The chair scraped against the floor as he pulled it back, once seated he beckoned the bartender.

“Excuse me! Hey, may I have a whiskey on the rocks?”

He then pointed at me.

“Get him another of what he’s having as well.”

Before I could say anything, he turned to me, and as his lifeless eyes accompanied his cheshire grin he said “Mr. Ruth, I’ve heard you’ve run into some unfortunate circumstances recently.”

“How do you know who I am?”

“I’ll explain in a bit, just know I’m here to help you.”

“Not interested.”

“Why not? You want to see her again, don’t you?”

I stared at him for a little while, contemplating what his game was. I couldn’t get a read on it, and right before I was going to talk he cut me off.

“What if I told you there was a way for us to show you forgotten memories?”

The drinks started winning, my eyes felt heavy, and the only thing i felt was his cold touch on my arm.

I woooooooooooooooooooooo-

I woke up in an all white room, the only piece of furniture present was a firm, white bed. I felt my body shaking violently, not from the cold, but from fear. I didn’t know what was going on, but whatever it was couldn’t lead to anything good.

All of a sudden, a door opens in front of me, and a m4n in white clothing with a white mask on approached me. Without hesitation he pinned me against the wall.

“I think it’s time we run some tests on you, see if you’re capable of our program.”

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to fight back.

Nothing would happen, it was as if I wasn’t controlling my own body.

It started physical, teeth pulling and shaving down my teeth. I was in agony, but not in the way anyone would normally experience pain. It didn’t hurt, but I felt my mind fleeting, I felt as though my reality was slipping.

Then they put me back in the white room.

It felt like days, months, hell at one point it felt like years. I began seeing my wife out of the corner of my eye, hearing her scream before she crashed, seeing her laying on her death bed. I began clawing at my own skin in search of feeling, I just wanted to feel human again.

That’s when he entered the room again.

“I think we have everything we need, let’s have you see your wife one last time.”

I couldn’t speak. I saw him slowly inject something into my arm, and everything went black.

I opened my eyes to a vague familiarity, I was driving, swerving lane to lane like the mess I was so many y3ars ago, when I first met her.

I heard the sirens, and everything I had went through seemed worth it in that moment, I was going to meet her again, I was going to see her smile one last time.

I sped past a red light and the familiarity escaped me, I was venturing into the unknown, and the last thing I ever f3lt was knowing that I was the on3 who cccaused the car accident that night.

I am nothing.

I don’t know what they did to me.

But I am nn0thing.

Cold, dead, I sit here just to respond to commands, I am a brain with no feeling.

I just want to see her smile one more time.

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