You're right. This was absolutely a terrible, hideous mistake on my part and I take full responsibility for that. I mistakenly thought that ending my affair and caring for my wife through her sickness was making amends, but you're right, that is not the same as begging forgiveness. I'm going to try to beg forgiveness through the door between us, my fear is if I open the door, it will absolutely kill me before I have a chance to even open my mouth.