Submitted by ByfelsDisciple t3_xys7cx in nosleep

My husband died and our first child was born within the past two months, so all I wanted was for life to be boring for a while. Not ‘normal.’ No, some things crack the foundations of our assumed world so deeply that nothing can ever be normal again. Not even a new routine can feel stable once we’ve genuinely felt how ephemeral our own presence really is.

I used to go out every weekend. Now I’m thankful that the baby shit I clean at 3:00 in the morning means I can look forward to two full hours of sleep before Isla screams me awake.

She was promised two parents, but got one. Nine pounds and thirteen ounces felt like more than I could carry, but it’s amazing what we’re capable of doing when we have no other choice.

Without knowing who was listening, I prayed for a new normal. It found me – or at least its closest facsimile did – and I focused on the things within my control, because that’s the only way to prevent insanity.

I slept when my daughter did. The same was true for crying. I learned that motherhood means acting confident in your ability to make things up as you go along.

Then I heard the whispering. I’m a light sleeper now, so any noises coming from the baby monitor rattle me. This time was different, though; Isla wasn’t crying, but someone was talking.

I didn’t realize what ‘fear’ meant until I was racing down the hall, wondering who would be waiting on the other side of my child’s bedroom door. I was terrified of opening it, but my entire body was on autopilot and didn’t even slow down. I burst it open and found-

Nothing. Isla was alone in her crib, just as I’d left her.

I stepped toward her, hands and arms trembling, as the moon bathed her crib in pale light. When I stood over her, I saw that Isla was staring at me. She had been the whole time.

She was smiling.

“Hi, Mama.”

My stomach fell to the floor as I grabbed the crib for support. This was impossible. Of course I wanted to hear those words, but no three-week-old was capable of speech. I was either hallucinating or dreaming; there was no other possibility.

“Daddy’s dead.”

I almost collapsed. This felt too real. It was real. Isla’s lips moved, clean and articulate, like she was an adult. Nothing about this made sense.

I wanted to be happy for her, but it was too weird. Too wrong. I didn’t want to go through this alone in my baby’s dark bedroom at night.

I looked at my daughter, hoping she didn’t know that she made me afraid, and realizing that somehow she did. I tried to form words, but my mouth didn’t work. I felt like every muscle had frozen, crystalline, in place.

“Daddy’s dead because someone cut his throat open with a knife.”

I fell to the ground. Every joint felt like hot wax; I wanted to vomit through my eyes.

I’m not proud of the fact that I left her alone, but I was sure that no one else was in the room. I would have died for Isla there and then if necessary; but, in the absence of a threat, I had to retreat.

So I crawled, hand over hand, through the hallway and into my room.

I lacked the energy to climb back into bed.

So I curled into the fetal position, clutching the edge of my blanket and focusing on breathing.

Sometimes, that’s all you can do.

I stared at the moon and wondered who might be looking back, because someone was watching.

How else could Isla have known that I killed my husband?

BD

W

E

669

Comments

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OurLadyoftheTree t1_iriq2mc wrote

Postpartum psychosis (and/or depression) is some scary shit! Your body is a raging tornado of hormones rn and I assume that sleep deprivation doesn't help! Please see a doctor OP and don't become another headline...

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Crazydarkside4 t1_irqet6t wrote

As a retired midwife (very early due to arthritis in my spine), I salute your answer not many people think about this!

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ThaiJr t1_irw52by wrote

Well she still confessed to killing her husband .. so this might very well be a paranoia and hallucination caused by high stress and guilt combined with all other factors you mentioned. You know The Tell-tale Heart? This is basically a paraphrase.

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CandiBunnii t1_itckdq0 wrote

The murder may also have been caused by the post partum issues

Or she just felt stabby. Mondays, Right?

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DelcoPAMan t1_irijwdp wrote

When she said "someone", did she emphasize it? If not, you might be OK

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BrokenLoveLife t1_iriiq5i wrote

The first thing that comes to mind is karma, maybe your husband is trying to get revenge, maybe some supernatural force is insuring you pay for your actions, either way I’d say take that kid to a church or smth-

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Well_shitnuggets t1_irj0sf2 wrote

She’s still a newborn. You can drop her at any fire station no questions asked.

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MurseWoods t1_irmhdc6 wrote

You are not incorrect.

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Well_shitnuggets t1_irmq3tp wrote

OP better do if fast though, some places it’s 30 days or younger

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MurseWoods t1_iro3fcf wrote

How accurate can a buncha guys be at accurately gauging the correct age of an infant tho?

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B4rracud4 t1_irixcrx wrote

Postpartum psychosis, and raging hormones and sleep deprivation are the least of your problems my dear.

You have a few options that you absolutely need to consider.

  1. Hand yourself over to the authorities for the murder of your husband and your daughter.

  2. Take your darling for a bath and don't get out until she stops moving.

  3. Wrap her up nicely, go on a trip to Niagara Falls with her, and forget to bring her back...

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wuzzittoya t1_irlk8gb wrote

Oh wow. So precocious! The earliest articulate talker I heard of before this was around a year old. You must be so proud!

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Yodeling_Tornado t1_irkerwc wrote

This hits different with ghost bustesr playing

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Maleficent-Ad9860 t1_irshjyr wrote

Give the kid back. Send the whole ass kid back. Even if you have to pay for shipping, Do It. Keep your receipts, try for a refund, but return that damn kid.

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ThaiJr t1_irw5vi6 wrote

Ouch.. I guess it is hard enough to get it out and imagine shoving it back in.

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Deb6691 t1_irshh2r wrote

Why did you do it?

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criticallycrafty t1_is4pcwy wrote

You’re hallucinating with postpartum psychosis. Compounded by your guilt of killing her father. Turn yourself in and give that child to someone who can take care of it.

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I_Have_2_Questions t1_irj5bye wrote

As long as no one you regularly meet knows about the baby, you can kill your baby and say you had a misscarriage. Make sure to dispose of the body properly. Maybe dig a 6ft deep hole and bury her there, or cut her up into tiny pieces, store in the fridge and slowly dispose of it so nobody realises.

3