I... Hate... Spiders. Not all spiders. Small ones are fine, I can handle little ones, as long as, y'know, they aren't actually ON me. I don't like anything crawling on me, but I don't feel that is really all that weird when you think about it. But once a spider gets to being over, like, half an inch - that is when I can't even have them in the same room as me.

When I was a kid I remember my sister had her boyfriend over and the two were hanging out in her room. The door was obviously open because my dad, as much as he liked the guy, still wouldn't trust two teenagers alone in a room together. So I was walking past to head down to the kitchen when I peered in and the two were just staring at the corner across from the door, and I followed their gaze. Splayed out across the corner with legs stretching out to either wall sat a big, brown monster of a thing, mottled both dark and light brown along its legs. My sister and her boyfriend were just staring at it, passing the task of who was going to get rid of the creature back and forth between them. I have no idea who actually took on that burden in the end, because I bolted down the corridor, down the stairs and climbed up onto the kitchen table, screaming the whole while. My mother tried to calm me whilst I hyperventilated between shrieks of "Spider, massive spider". This same sequence of events repeated itself whenever one these crawlers was spotted in my home.

And as I got older, my fear never went away. People tell you that you get over childhood fears, or find them less terrifying the more you are exposed to them. Well, in my case all I managed to do was get better at hiding my fear. Instead of sprinting from the spider and crying for my mother, I sat in a perpetual state of fight or flight, focused only on keeping my growing terror confined. By the time I was fourteen, I could be in the same room as most spiders, though all of my focus was consumed by externally pretending it wasn't there, while being fixated on where is was at all times.

Today... today I have a... confused relationship with spiders. I'm not afraid that they are going to hurt me, not even afraid they are going to touch me or come near me. But that's because they know me now... and I know them.

When I was fifteen, I was not the most popular girl in school. I was one of the nerdy outcasts, but not like the cliché ones from teen shows that is a gifted teacher's pet that you know is going to fit in far better once they make it to college. No, unfortunately I wasn't even given the compromise of envious intelligence, I instead possessed an interest in anime, a lack of athletic skill and a gaping hole where my social skills should have been. College definitely helped me meet some people who I connected with, but not the sunshine and rainbows happy ending that everyone says it is going to be. Basically, I was unpopular and, as a result, got bullied as a daily occurrence, or as often as I feel Charlotte and her friends Anna and Kim could find me.

The three were above reproach, liked by everyone, student and teacher alike, but were awful to a select handful of kids that they felt were obscure enough that no one would really notice. You couldn't do anything about it. There was a time one of the other girls, Laura Stuart, tried to get Charlotte in trouble for bullying her. When confronted, Charlotte took the blame, copped to the whole thing and acted like she was entirely remorseful over what happened and never went near Laura gain. But Anna and Kim? They didn't let it drop - they began to harass her at every opportunity, beating her at lunch times, stealing her books, ambushing her in the bathrooms - it culminated in them breaking into her locker and stuffing an inflated male sex doll inside. It sprang out when she opened it up later that day and made her a joke she would never be able to live down. I don't know how they go their hands on that doll, or how they got it in there with no one noticing, but it did the trick: Laura left the school, utterly unable to ever show her face here again. If you threaten the leader, you better believe everyone who follows them is going to turn on you.

If I was out in the yard during a break times, I would normally find myself facing the ground at least once, whilst a sickly, pretend-sympathetic voice would say behind me something to the affect of, "Oh, I didn't see you there, so sorry. But it's a good thing you're already on the ground since- ," and then she would kick whatever I was holding as far as she could. As time went by, she became more aggressive, seeing how much she could get away with, so this led to her tipping drinks on me, pulling me back to my feet by my hair, or just outright stomping me back into the asphalt as I tried to get back up. People often think that girls are just bitchy to each other, but the truth is that they can get really physical if they want to, as much as any boy.

This was obviously another reason why I tended to stay in the library, or a classroom, where possible, but they weren't always available, and sometimes I was forced out into the savagery of the teen crowd. So, one day when the anxiety of dealing with her grew too much, I spent my time in math class thinking instead where she would not likely run into me in the yard. Basketball courts were no good, obviously, that is where most of the cool crowd hung out. There was the front driveway, a lot of the less sociable kids went there, hidden around the buildings, but that was also where some kids came to smoke, and I wouldn't put it past Charlotte to be one of them. I did manage to settle on one place that I thought she would never find me, but mostly because literally no one goes there - at the back of our football field is a small forested area within the school's boundaries.

Technically, I'm not meant to be going there as it is obviously off limits to us unless we are going there for a science or sports class or something - it's too difficult for teachers to keep an eye on you if you are literally in the middle of a forest. But I was one of those kids that easily blended into the background, so I knew that I could probably just walk in there and whatever teachers were supervising the games on the field would probably not even notice I was there. Worst comes to worse I could just sit at the edge until I was sure they were distracted and slip in then. That way no one would have any idea where I was.

And that is exactly how it went. Every lunch time I couldn't hide away in the confines of the indoors I would instead make my way down to the woods in my school and hide away when I knew that I was not even a blip on anyone's mind. It was the most free I had ever felt at school. Until I was there, surrounded by nothing but trees and chirping of birds, I had never realised just how uncomfortable I was in my everyday life. Even at other places I saw as my safe havens I was constantly on edge purely due to the presence of others. Just having another person or a group of people near me was enough to make me fear the "What if..." question. Turns out I had some pretty severe and generalised trust issues even as a teen. But here I knew I was actually, genuinely alone, with no one around who felt it was their sole desire to derive joy from my pain.

The days I spent, normally with a new manga or comic, under a warm sun with a sturdy tree against my back, were the best - really the only enjoyable memories I had of my school years. It was a period of time that was all mine and I came to learn that friends are great, definitely, but being able to find your own, personal time with no one around? Now that is something far more special, at least to me. I could feel the tension in my shoulders and neck melt away, the incessant buzzing of anxiety in my stomach calm itself. My mind was able to focus on things that I found interesting or fun, instead of always spoiling the moment by splitting its attention toward planning for whatever fresh hell I needed to anticipate. There was even the occasional day I skipped my periods after lunch and stayed in the woods. No one ever seemed to notice. Either my teachers didn't care for the admin of chasing it up, or I was actually as insignificant as I felt. As I wanted to be.

But now I can't go into the woods. Nothing bad will happen to me, but I can't face it again. I really don't think I can face Charlotte after what happened.

It was... November, a really warm day – gorgeous, actually. It was certainly going to be a 'skip the rest of the day and hang out in the forest' type of afternoon. I had just got my hands on a new Naruto manga and wanted to basically go cover-to-cover there and then. I sat down and felt that reassuring pressure of solid bark and spent a moment, just a quick moment enjoying the peace of it all. The radiating warmth of the sun against my face, the jeers and calls from the sports field, reassuringly dim and distant, and a gentle breeze prompting the grass and leaves to dance and sway. It was such a peaceful, beautiful moment. So why was I anxious.

I could feel it in my stomach, the whir of sickening nerves building back up and my mind began to race - not panicking or thinking about anything in particular; actually it was the opposite - I simply could not focus on anything at all. I began to whip my head from one side to the other, not sure at all what I was actually looking for or expecting to see. However, it was impossible to miss the beast that sat on the opposite of the clearing I had taken up residence. No matter what I had ever previously thought about spiders, about how threatening or terrifying they looked, there was no comparison to this. It was so... Immense, a mammoth of a creature, easily over two feet from back to front. The body was mostly a dark, rich purple, a wholly unnatural colour for a creature's skin to be, with contrasting yellow ripples extending down its legs. Each joint had a noticeable whit bump - I couldn't see so well from the distance I was at, but I couldn't shake the notion that each one was bone splitting its way into the surface. Spider's don't even have bones, but I somehow knew this one had a full skeleton inside. 

It didn't move. It just remained, frozen, facing it's way down to the ground, legs split evenly between pointing front and back. I was just equally as still. I had gone beyond pretending I wasn't scared - my decision to remain motionless completely beyond my power to control. We were two rivals, frozen, watching one another. I could see all eight shining, black orb glistening in the sunlight. In my mind I held only one idea - this thing will kill me. A single bite and I will feel the excruciating, molten surge of venom course its way through every inch of my body, bringing searing, indescribable pain that will an even more terrifying numbness in its wake. I don't know how I new so vividly just how horrific this whole experience would be, down to the smallest detail - the sensation of its eight legs gently wrapping around my leg while my mind would be unable to register anything but the life ending fluid making its way through my veins. I knew it, all of it in that instance. I think it told me what would happen. I think... I think it was trying to warn me away.

Unfortunately I had been so preoccupied with the spider that the crunch of leaves and twigs  to my left was completely unnoticed until the depressingly recognisable voice called out, "Ew... What are you doing out here?" My mind snapped and I was forced to adapt my previous strategy of paying attention to the creature whilst also the new threat in my company. Charlotte strode her way through the field, her friends Anna and Kim at her side, as always. She walked up to me and said in a voice that sounded concerned but noticeably betrayed the obvious threat behind them, "You know, students aren't allowed out here without a teacher: I wouldn't want you to get in trouble." Her friends laughed and I could hear Kim ring out in support, "Yeah, this area is out of bounds since the teachers can't supervise it. Definitely not the safest place for you to find yourself." I was still petrified, so I didn't attempt to avoid the hand that whipped out and coiled around my arm, reeling back in and forcing me to my feet. But as it did I found myself far less afraid of what Charlotte and her lackies were likely going to do to me in mere moments, than what that spider could do to me if it chose to act.

So when I looked away from Charlotte, no longer acknowledging her presence and the threat she posed, I think she took it as an insult. She spat at me, "What, going to try ignoring me?" She yanked at my hair but my head posed a significant resistance to the pull. I didn't turn back. I couldn't. I kept looking at the spider. I was transfixed as it raised one leg up, the front one on its left, so gradually into the air. I could have sworn I heard its bones crack as it did so. Bones? Spiders don't have bones, how could I be hearing that? At this stage, I think Charlotte recognised that I was scared, downright terrified, but not of her. She tracked my gaze over to the tree and I felt the jarring release of pressure as her hand released its claws around my arm. "What... What the hell is that thing?" I had never heard Charlotte express fear before, not even worry. But there was a distinct dip in her voice there, a falter that revealed the crack in her façade. Anna was far less composed though and yelped when she saw it, jumping back a few feet. She held up her back in a vague attempt to shield herself from the stationary threat.

In an instant,  Charlotte snatched Anna's bag and threw it at the spider. In hindsight, it was impressive the accuracy she managed to throw the bag, being as unevenly weighted as it was from the dense textbooks inside, so when it finished its journey you could here the gruesome crunch and squish of the spider, the two falling to the ground with an undignified thud.

I wish I could say that was it. That Charlotte went over and collected Anna's bag, grabbed a hold of me again and dragged me back to a teacher, a few extra bruises in tow where no one would see them, but that wasn't it. If only that had been it. Instead, I could see on the faces of the other three as all of us heard the skittering coming from... from everywhere. The trees, the grass, even beneath our very feet. Spiders of every colour, shape and size swarmed and thronged around us. There was no-where to run, no-where that wouldn't have you spearheading your way right into a veritable legion of arachnids. The tidal mass spread its way toward us, boxing us in. I could feel my chest tighten, my vision beginning to swim as I was being faced with what should only have been the stuff of nightmares for me. But here I was, about to be consumed, quite literally, by my greatest fear. But I wasn't. When the spiders reached my feet they skirted around me, as if I was just some sort of obstacle to them no more remarkable than a stone or twig, a landmark to pass as they made their journey. No, they had only one target in mind. If you threaten the leader, you better believe everyone who follows them is going to turn on you. And if you kill the leader, then something far more horrific lies in store

Like everything else from that day, I recall with perfect detail every sharp jerk she made as the creatures climbed up her legs, the flailing of her arms as she futilely tried to sweep them away, only to find every one removed was replaced by five, their numbers endless. The shrieks and wails as they began to bite, forcing Charlotte's legs to give out and collapse to the ground, I assume from a combination of burning agony and paralysis as venom crept its way through her veins. Her new location on the ground made it even easier for the myriad of crawlers to cover her. I could see her eyes, eyes that had always been filled with contempt and loathing, now showed nothing but confusion. She couldn't understand what was happening. How could she? No one so young can ever truly comprehend that their life is going to end, not in such a violent and random manner. But here she was, now barely visible for the blanket of legs and abdomen flowing over her. She wasn't screaming anymore. I didn't know if she had lost consciousness, was fully paralysed, or the spiders had found their way inside. It didn't matter, there was nothing I or anyone else could have done for her: the web of fate had been weaved, and she wandered into it willingly.

It wasn't until the spiders began to move off of her that I noticed that it wasn't only them that had obscured her - surrounding her was a brown, hard substance, encasing every inch. I don't know how the spiders had made this, I didn't even think that was something that they did, but there I was, standing over the largest cocoon I believe anyone had ever seen. The legion dragged the container away, gradually, bit by bit. Anna and Kim took their chance and ran screaming back to the safety of people, but I didn't move. Not out of fear though: for the first time ever I found myself unphased by the presence of spiders. Maybe I was in shock, but I was oddly mesmerised by the experience. Additionally, I saw that every spider was avoiding me, keeping a respectable distance now that they had no need to enter into my personal space. So I was able to watch the display of my former tormenter being taken in morbid procession. 

When I returned back to the football field, there was a group of teachers already waiting, two sobbing girls at their side speaking an incomprehensible garble, but the message was clear enough: Charlotte was in danger back in the forest. Apparently neither had mentioned me at all, as I was met by shocked faces when I broke the tree line. And thus began the search, with teachers asking me what happened, then police, then students once I returned to school after a few "mental health" days. It had gotten around the school that some rapist-murderer had broken into the school and taken her, but I don't know if that would have been better or worse than the truth, because at least the rumour was grounded in reality. The truth is impossible: Charlotte didn't die, she has to live out her punishment.

Do you know what happens in a cocoon? Most people think that when a caterpillar makes one they go in and grow wings and shed all their legs I guess, then emerge a beautiful butterfly. They manage to just emerge as an entirely different organism from what they once were. No, what really happens is that the whole organism liquifies and becomes a mess of biotic goo encased in a hardened shell, then re- congeals into an altogether new organism. So, in reality, as long as the creature isn't trying to get bigger or add any mass, anything could be created from the base ingredients. That's all Charlotte became: a list of ingredients. So it didn't surprise me, didn't even phase me when I was sitting off to the edge of the football field – a place I could now go without fear since my peers now treated me with a sense of respect and apprehension in equal measure since the incident - when I felt the same sensation of being watched that I had felt that day. Unlike then, however, I knew where to look for the source of the sensation. On a tree, probably the one closest to me, was the same grotesque construction that I had seen killed only a week prior. I knew that, even as far as it was, it only had eyes for me.

And just like the last one, it spoke to me. Not in words, but in flashes: the death of its predecessor, the attack on Charlotte, and what came next after she was taken. It is impossible to describe the sensation of your body melting, all your muscles and organs mixing into a singular pool. Your bones that were always so solid and supportive going soft, then melting. You have no structure. You shouldn't be able to comprehend this – yes, some of the brain survives the process to allow for the retention of certain memories, but to actually be aware through the whole thing? To feel every sensation and know what it actually means for you? And then the horror of being rebuilt, of being changed against your will into a form that is so much more restricted. To find your final form is an unending source of agony - a tomb from which you transparently do not fit, yet cannot escape. I saw what happened to her, felt it in fact, and how she became what I now saw before me. And I felt remorse, pity for the person who once hounded me.

There is so much we do not understand about spiders: there is a web that extends far beyond the limits of our understanding, an entire social hierarchy, one that had placed Charlotte as their leader. She just didn't choose the role willingly.

And she now felt sorry for me, for all the pain she caused. Spiders are not aggressive creatures, they only fight when threatened. She now understood the senselessness of hurting another for no reason other than pleasure.

So now I share my life with spiders. When I see them, I am able to ignore their presence, confident in my knowledge that they won't ever hurt me. They don't need to, because it is clear I am not a threat. I know better than all what the spiders are capable of.

They don't need to threaten me.

I already fear them. 

I always have.