Girl about the time you saw the claws I'd've realized something's up followed those rules to a T. And then gradually "Eric" would come to love me and let me decorate that enormous mansion however I want (decandently and also with all the tackiest shit at the thrift store), and one day I'd see his true monsterous form and he'd be like "Oh no! You've seen my true monsterous form and will be scared away forever!" and I'd be like "Babygirl this is a good thing. You're like my dream man. Never bother changing back."

And then we'd bang in every room but the second bedroom on the left.

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I got lost in the fantasy there and forgot the point I was going to make. You really could've had it all though.

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EDIT: Remembered the other thing. $5 for a "massage"? Please tell me this story took place like 100 years ago.