Life was good. At least I was trying to act as it was, I had a job, which had an upgrade in post awaiting for me, a family, a beautiful wife and a very cute daughter. Yes life was good, I had a house under my name, money on the side and people that loved me.

And yet, as I was standing in front of the door, as I’ve been doing every week for the past 25 years, I could not take a step back, I could not turn my back to it, one last time I thought, maybe this time it would be different.

I opened the door, and stepped through it, the movement ingrained in me, the feeling rushing over me as usual. I felt the change as soon as I was on the other side. I was 9 again, small and defenseless, yet my feet took me rushing through the forest without a need to look around to know where I was going. It was busy, lively and yet dead, shadows dancing and singing, my eyes catching their closed ones at every corner. I knew somewhere else, there was a new one, the proof of my last failure to date.

I ran, avoiding each one of them, and there it was, the house in the woods, the house I discovered when I was just a lad, running away from home for a reason I could not even remember anymore. I walked to it, not stepping on any branch on the ground or anything that could make a noise. I knew what time it was, 9 pm sharp, I had approximatively 20 minutes before they woke up and started chasing us.

I did as usual, circling the house up to her window. And there she was, smiling down at me, and as usual, my young heart stopped beating. This was my first love, Lola.

She waved at me, I waved back, we talked in signs, as she could not come down and I could not come up, but we understood each others better than I would with others for the incoming 25 years.

Today I had to save her.

I tried so much, I tried everything I had in mind, I made plans, nothing ever succeeded.

I knew what was coming, so as she was smiling I did not ever look, I knew he was there, the day he discovered us, two eyes staring at us through the dark kitchen window, condensation on it from his heavy respiration. He quickly disappeared, Lola looked at me, signing asking me what was wrong as tears started falling from my eyes.

And like every night, I watched as he barged in her room, a shadow of at least seven foot, grabbing her by the neck, both of them disappearing into the dark of the room. Only then did I ran to the front door yelling her name and opening it. I tried opening it before the incident, but I could not, the house was his, nobody could open it if he didn’t want, and there he wanted me in it, on his territory.

« Don’t enter !!!! » Lola yelled, it had been the first time I had heard her voice, so childish and yet full of maturity, « Go back !! » she screamed.

Even the first time I did not, and sometimes I admit I wish I did, leaving her in this hellish place, to avoid this disaster, she was so smart, maybe she would have found a way to run away, maybe I was the one that ruined her.

« No I won’t leave you !! » This was my burden.

I knew my way now, I knew what to grab in the kitchen, I knew not to put my foot on the first step of the stairs, I knew the way to her room even though there was not one light in this house.

I knew what I was gonna see once I reached it.

He was there, the spider man as liked to call him, he looked like a man, a drawn man, every limb looked too long, turning and shifting at his will, and when he saw me, his eyes looked like they would pop out of their sockets, he could not even speak, the only way he could express his anger was by foaming at the mouth. I looked for Lola, I knew she was behind him, crying, enveloped in a thick web.

I did not lose time, turned on the lighter I previously grabbed in the kitchen, and threw it to him, he immediately caught fire as he was extremely flammable, something I learned ten years ago, yelling so high it rattled the windows, this would hold him out for a few minutes, 4 minutes and 30 seconds to be exact.

With my small knife, a present from my father, I quickly freed Lola, she told me I should run away, as always, told me they wouldn’t kill her. However, the pain in her eyes, the sadness, the longing, it seemed like she was crying for help every time.

« Trust me » I told her, like I did for the first time « Have you ever gone outside ? Seen the sun, felt the grass ? » she stared wide eyed at me shaking her head, « my mom will love you, we’ll grow up and get married like my parents » I smiled at her, grabbing her hands. She cried, shook her head, looking resigned. I had to do it every time, not ever changing a word, otherwise she would never follow me. I helped her stand up and we ran, through the corridor, down the stairs, right through the door. Now the woods were awake, the creatures watching me kidnap their hostage.

« We go right Lola. »

I could avoid them all, we went right, then left, hid under a bush.

As we were running, we heard them yelling, each of them having his own langage, an incoherent grabuge, a cacophony surrounding us. As we neared the location of the door, I looked back thinking I knew what sight awaited me, the spider man running on all fours behind us, and there he was, burnt, but another was right in front of him jumping through the trees, his tongue hanging all the way to the ground, blood on his hands, pieces of his congeners hanging from his mouth, he was new, and for sure he was the new one created by my last failure.

They could catch us, like they always did, but I thought about it for 25 years, I knew I could do it, because that day I would do it differently.

The door was a few meters in front of us, I could see it.

« We’ll be there soon Lola, » I said panting « You’ll be free ».

I knew now what I had to do for it, « Run to the door I’ll be right behind you » I pushed her to it, her eyes were wide open, she yelled for me to stop, for us to go together. But we never made it together, not once, and she had a life to live, a life I could not enjoy without her.

I looked at them coming at me, the time they would lose breaking me appart would be enough for her to run away.

And yet… And yet, I felt myself falling down, Lola was pushing me to the ground, I never knew what she was, but I knew her strength was far better than mine, so I could not even fight back.

I heard it all, how they mistook her for me, how they teared her appart, her screams, her suffering, the sound of flesh ripping, and then I heard them, noticing what they had done, crying, yelling. I did not even move, I did not even cry, staring at the sky, I felt any sensation, leaving my body, feeling empty, this time again, we never made it.

The first time, however, I was not that courageous, we were near the road, under the lights we would be safe she was yelling, yet as I stumbled on a tree root, the spider man had nearly gotten a hold of me, I was crying, snot running down my face, she put herself between us and he chewed her head down in one bite, blood running over my face.

This time again, he, their master, was not screaming either, probably watching us from his study, where he likes to seat. The first time though he did, he ran all the way to us, his horns glowing red in the dark, red eyed, with tears made of blood tainting his face, making us look ironically similar, as he looked at his torn apart daughter.

And then he looked at me, in his guilt and his hate towards me, cursing us, trapping us to this endless loop.

It was all the same, no matter what we did she always died because of us both. But today, offering myself instead of her, I heard her clearly, the last words she muttered to me, something she never did.

« Stop coming back for me. »

Friends, I have always thought I was cursed to try to save her memory, but today I realized, that she remembers everything. She was still herself.

I’m writing this in my room, my bagages are done and waiting for me in front of our door as my family is sleeping, unaware that in the morning I will be gone.

I’ve made my choice.

Next time, I’ll save her