I'm an avid reader here at NoSleep. My favorite sub-genre is The Rules. You know the ones: person moves into a house or starts a job and finds a list of rules on the first day. Person doesn't follow the rules for whatever reason and stuff starts to go sideways. I always thought I was better and smarter than the protagonists. I'm good at following rules, right? I could remember to not leave my room after a certain time or to keep my eyes down when talking to the person in the brown pants or whatever.I never really believed the stories here were real despite the admonishment at the top of the subreddit, so I hope you can imagine my surprise when I walked into my new apartment and found a frame hanging on the wall by the door which held a yellowed piece of parchment with a fancy, calligraphy heading which said *The Rules of the House.*I have to be honest here and tell you that my first thought was: “This isn't a house, idiot.” Then, I thought: “No. No way. It can't be real!” as I walked over to take a closer look. At first, I though it must be one of those cheesy posters families put up with pop culture references or ways to treat each other but as I walked up to it I saw my mistake. It was a list of The Rules. Here's what it said:

Knock twice before walking through the bathroom door. (“This is doable,” I thought.)Always wash the dishes immediately after cooking/eating. (“Ugh. Okay, Mom.”)If you hear three knocks, don't open the door. (“I hope they knock loud!”)If you feel like you're being watched, don't look for the Watcher. (“Hmm. Shy guy.”)If you wake up in the night and hear breathing, cover your head with your blanket until morning. (“Seems like the kids were right all along!)

As you can see by my snarky first thoughts, I didn't think it was real at first. I knew had read enough, though, to take it seriously anyway. So, when I went into the bathroom to put things away, I knocked twice, then did the same on the way out. I washed the dishes when I finished dinner. I figured I would do the things just in case, you know? Well, I was glad I had been cautious when I felt that tingle at the back of my neck and I knew that someone was watching me. I remembered not to look at the Watcher so I kept my eyed glued on Twitter.I knocked again when I went in to brush my teeth and I realized that this isn't the life I want to live. I know, I know, it had only been one day and the rules weren't all that bad. This is what I think the stories don't convey: it's a drag. Knocking twice before going into the bathroom two times had been enough for me. What if I am tired when I get home and don't want to wash the dishes? You know? It's my home and I should be able to do what I want in it.So, I stopped unpacking and texted the landlord to see if there was another open apartment in the complex. I got lucky and there was, so I begged the landlord to let me switch. He didn't seem surprised at all at my request which made me assume that he knew about the Rules and made me feel angry that he didn't warn me, but I got over that because I was so happy to switch places. Once the switch was made, I breathed a sigh of relief and got my new place all set up after I made sure there was no framed set of rules hanging up anywhere.I lived happily in my new place for a solid week, no knocking, washing dishes when I wanted to, and sleeping soundly without being watched. You can imagine my surprise when I came home to find and envelope taped to my door and opened it to find a new set of Rules:

Leave the kitchen window open a quarter of an inch all the time.Never look at the ceiling in the bathroom when the sun isn't out.When you hear the sound of a bell tolling, spin around until the tolling stops.Never leave dishes in the sink.Always set an extra place at the table.Knock before you go through any door.

I sat down hard on the floor, dropped the paper, and closed my eyes tightly, willing the paper to disappear and things to go back to normal. When I opened my eyes to verify that the paper did not, in fact, disappear, I took several deep breaths as I rushed to open the kitchen window and wash the dishes. I gave thanks that it was an efficiency apartment and there was no door between the living room and the kitchen. Then I walked to my bedroom, making sure to knock before entering, and collapsed onto my bed, weeping because I was going to have to move again. I didn't think the landlord was going to take kindly to me requesting another move, so I sat up and really thought about it.“Well, these rules aren't quite as creepy as the other ones,” I thought to myself. “No Watcher or Breather. That's good. Maybe I can do this. I can leave the window open and set an extra place and do the dishes.” So, I decided to stay for a while and look for a new place eventually when I just couldn't take it anymore. Like I said: having to follow strange rules in your own home is a drag.After a week, I had mostly gotten used to the rules. They weren't quite second nature, but I followed them because I didn't want to find out what would happen if I didn't. I knocked, I washed (actually, I mostly got take out and ate it in my car), I didn't look at the ceiling, I spun, and I kept a sweater in the kitchen because the wind gets cold. Under the drudgery of it, I started to feel cocky about it, started to feel a little bit of superiority, started to feel like I could comment on people's stories like “Pfft. I could do it. Don't be a wuss.”Then, I found an index card on my desk at work:

At noon, hold your breath for fifteen seconds.Tap your right knee any time someone sneezes.End every email with two periods.If you see a shadow in the corner of your office, beg its forgiveness for interrupting it.

I froze. I didn't know what was happening. I mean, I did know what was happening, but I couldn't believe it. Then I heard someone sneeze and tapped my right knee. I decided to take a few days off from work to figure this out. I sent an email to my boss asking for a few days of PTO, citing an unexpected illness in the family. I almost forgot to end the email with two periods. Thank God I remembered at the last second before I hit “send.”My boss is great, so she responded almost immediately that I should take as much time as I need. I packed up my things and forced myself to walk rather than run out to my car. I was feeling frantic now, I'd never read about anyone having two sets of Rules at one time and I certainly didn't trust myself to remember them all, all the time. I was thinking about how maybe I could just sleep in my car as I walked through the parking garage and I stopped dead in my tracks when my car came into sight with a white piece of paper tucked under the wiper blade on the driver's side of my car. For a single moment, I let myself believe that it could be a parking ticket or something then I took a deep breath and finished walking to the car.I felt tears spring to my eyes and start to trail down my cheeks as I read the writing on this paper:

**If you run a yellow light, kiss your index finger and touch it to the ceiling of the car.Never turn the music up past volume level nine.Never turn the same direction two times in a row.If the radio tells you to take a turn, obey it.Don't eat or drink in the car.Don't imagine you can escape.**It took some doing, but I managed to get home following the Rules. The most difficult Rule to follow was not imagining escaping. The Rules were following me and it didn't seem like there was any safe place. I thought about going to my parents' house. I thought about selling my car and taking the bus forever. I thought about giving it all up and living in a box under a bridge. I thought about these things and dismissed them all because I couldn't really do any of them.I sat in my car for a few minutes when I reached my apartment complex, taking some deep breaths to steady myself and work up my courage to face the Rules in my apartment. When I had gathered my courage, I walked up to my place and knocked on the door before going in and then I dropped my things and plopped down on the couch. I rubbed my eyes as I let my hair down and stretched. I was looking for the TV remote when I noticed a framed document hanging on my wall.

It was a yellowed piece of parchment.The heading at the top was written in calligraphy and said *The Rules of the House.*The first item said Knock twice before walking through the bathroom door.

I buried my head in my hands and wept. There really was no escape.

All of that was several hours ago. I'm writing this on my tablet under my blanket as I listen to heavy breathing from the other side of my bedroom. I can make it until sunrise, but I'm young and life looks pretty bleak under the weight of The Rules.

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Part Two