Submitted by Economy_Example_4289 t3_11ebwka in personalfinance
[removed]
Comments
ephemeraltrident t1_jad5fwb wrote
To add to this, go to a new bank with the account. It’s been mentioned here before, but without a reason.
It’s too easy for your parents to talk the bank into giving them access to a new account with money in it, or to the old account you’ve taken them off of, because there is a previous relationship there. A sob story to a bank teller or call center employee, who can see the previous transactions and makes a bad call and your parents pull money again. It puts you in a place where you either allow it or have to file a police report to get it fixed, and no one wants that.
New bank, new account, move money = problem solved. Your story could be that your work was having issues with the old bank and direct deposit. A friend referral bonused you to their bank. You switched to the bank your SO uses. You don’t have to tell them the reason, they’ll ask for a reason, so find a reason to tell them.
thatgreenmaid t1_jadjwpj wrote
Because I felt like it is a whole reason. You don't owe ANYONE an explanation of what you do with your money or where you keep it.
PresidentBeast t1_jadnvac wrote
Except the IRS probably
ephemeraltrident t1_jadpq3j wrote
For transfers over $10,000 always, for electronic transfers - definitely when they ask.
ephemeraltrident t1_jadpns5 wrote
Own, no you don’t owe them that. Keeping the peace might matter, at which point an explanation can be helpful. I agree with you - but tried to focus on the PF bits without going into too many other family dynamics.
Bobzyouruncle t1_jadmf5c wrote
Definitely go with this advise. All be aware that the bank probably won’t let you officially close the account without all account holders present. But you can drain it down to $50 or whatever and leave it alone after that (assuming it won’t get drained to zero from fees).
Parking-Artichoke823 t1_jado5rv wrote
>New bank, new account, move money = problem solved.
I am worried it will only open a new problem, which will be emotional blackmail from parents as in "Why won´t you add us on your new account, we need you, we are familly,..." But you can´t really deal with it in any other way I guess.
ephemeraltrident t1_jadpg9a wrote
There are other subreddits for those questions - I tried to keep my answer to Personal Finance
J_Pizzle t1_jad4kda wrote
This was my thought. If OP wants to keep helping her parents she could keep the account small and have that be an allowance for her parents. But in no way should they have access to any money she isn't willing to lose.
Them taking money before asking is definitely an issue. Even if she was going to say yes they're too comfortable with just taking money from her. If they aren't poor but aren't well off, they can probably work on their own budgeting to not need the allowance. They're so used to OP providing for them that they're dependent on her for the extra income, and the guilt tripping makes it even more of a requirement to restrict their access.
satansayssurfsup t1_jad59y2 wrote
Also OPs parents need to figure out their own finances. It’s not their kids responsibility to fill in the gaps when they overspend.
warrior_poet95834 t1_jad7y13 wrote
This answer. Simply open another account for your personal use and keep a couple hundred dollars in this account. I would also introduce your parents to the idea that they are borrowing this money rather than you gifting it to them. Let them use it until they can pay it back and not use it again until they do.
reshsafari t1_jad79wm wrote
Better yet, use the new bank account as your main. And the ones with your parents can be shared where you deposit a much smaller amount
satansayssurfsup t1_jadaqd0 wrote
That’s what I said…
reshsafari t1_jadbr7a wrote
Whoops I misread sorry
spiritofgonzo1 t1_jadmw49 wrote
Nah but they could use the new account as the main tho and keep a small amount in the other account for the parents, ya kno?
satansayssurfsup t1_jadnizh wrote
Better yet, they could keep the old account with a small amount for the parents and just make a new one for their main
Werewolfdad t1_jad26os wrote
>But in the long run is it a good idea to do that?
Yes, you've been an adult for eight years.
If you want to give them money write them a check
yargleisheretobargle t1_jaddwdl wrote
It can be convenient to still have a joint account with your parents, but it should be separate from your primary bank account, and at a different bank.
pmgoldenretrievers t1_jadag05 wrote
Eh, I'm in my mid 30s and one or both of my parents is still on my account. But I doubt they've looked at it since I turned 18 and I trust them anyway.
annomandaris t1_jadbyzt wrote
And if your parent get hacked? and so they get you to?
Theres not really any "good" reason to share your main account like this. Keep it as a secondary account that's fine, but most of your finances shouldn't be accessible by other parties even if you trust them.
pmgoldenretrievers t1_jadc8p4 wrote
It's not like it's tied to their account, they were just cosigners or whatever when I opened it when I was 13.
MickFlaherty t1_jadkd2z wrote
And they still would have 100% access and rights to the entire balance anytime they want without your approval.
mooncritter_returns t1_jadkve0 wrote
Ooh, I have a reason! I had a savings account started before I was 18, so both my parents’ names are also on it. Since it’s a CD, when I tried to get their names off it, with their consent, they said I’d have to wait until the period was over; so I didn’t close the account. Then, bc my dad’s owned business was/is being sued, the opposing lawyer froze my account as being part of my dad’s personal assets. Even though he only touched it once, almost 10 yrs ago when I “loaned” them money to close on their house.
At the time I was living off savings having quit my job due to mental health and burnout issues. Had to jump back in too fast and still ended up in the negative for a week between paychecks. I basically consider that money gone now. Not as much as others have or have lost, but still, it was my safety net disappearing exactly when I needed it.
Eowyn75 t1_jadl04r wrote
Usually they would be co-owners, meaning the money is legally theirs as well. If they ever go bankrupt or owe the IRS money, it could cause you a headache trying to prove the assets are yours alone.
pharos147 t1_jadc7k6 wrote
I’ll remove them or make a new account. If one of your parents get their identity stolen, you’re also fucked too, since they have access.
Having more people to your account just leaves more access entries
pmgoldenretrievers t1_jadcou2 wrote
I doubt someone is going to steal their identity and actually walk into a bank to withdraw money from an account they don't know about.
bluecar92 t1_jadh9td wrote
You're putting in a fair bit of effort to justify an unnecessary security risk to your bank account.
pharos147 t1_jadi96j wrote
It’s happened to me before and was a lesson learned. My dad opened my account back in high school and shared access. His identity was stolen a decade later and identity thieves were able to get some money out of my account. It wasn’t cash withdrawn at a bank, everything was done online.
Don’t underestimate identity thieves, they take money from anyone, rich or poor.
Polyform_Triplex t1_jad2fgc wrote
Open a new account at a different bank.
WWGHIAFTC t1_jad9h99 wrote
New bank might be the easiest. Maybe leave 100$ in the old one and see how long it lasts. Then say nothing at all.
MOSbangtan t1_jadfntx wrote
Yep.
biggy_P t1_jad70xd wrote
Close the account. New bank, completely new accounts. No authorized users. I say new bank because your mom seems persistent.
Liquidretro t1_jad5523 wrote
Why not just open your own new account (Ideally at a different bank) and move a majority of your money there along with your bills and direct deposit? That way you can still give mom and dad money easily and quickly if needed but you are in complete control over it, and they don't have the opportunity to take money that you don't agree to.
Sounds like you also need to set some boundaries with your parents and be ok with saying no.
Win-With-Money t1_jad2hmw wrote
You need to definitely separate these accounts. This should have been done when you turned 18. You can still help them out but you need separate accounts to save your relationship with them. That's like sharing food, cars, and everything else. You aren't married to them. The only person you should ever share you account with is your spouse.
This is a toxic situation you are in and you need to be separated from this. This seems like your parents have a budgeting issue and spending on lifestyle. You need to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your future family. If you parents show they have better spending habits in the future and you feel led to help them out then do so but from a separate account!
sephiroth3650 t1_jad3scs wrote
At the age of 26, you're long past the point of separating your finances from your parents. So you make a choice. Create a new account for yourself, or continue the shared one and continue helping out your parents. There's nothing wrong with choosing to support your parents. Just understand that is the choice you're making if you keep the shared account.
E5D5 t1_jadp1tu wrote
certainly there’s nothing wrong with supporting your parents but the way it’s currently set up is more risky (and with less control) than it needs to be. even if OP continued to decide to help, there needs to be more protections in place
TLDRNeedCliffNotes t1_jadavoj wrote
Recommend also closing the shared account. If mom overdrafts your account, you’re responsible for it. You can always Zelle the $ directly to her checking account if she needs help.
Tapprunner t1_jad6xt6 wrote
Your parents should not have access to your money.
Do not let them guilt you into finally supporting them. They are adults. You can choose to help them financially, but they are not entitled to your money.
WWGHIAFTC t1_jad976z wrote
100% yes, disconnect it.
The potential resentment from her having no money and being able to see yours is incredible. Not to mention the temptation of transfering..."He'll understand...we'll pay him back..."
If your mom takes offense...you need to have a calm, serious, adult conversation with her - not a reactionary one. If that conversation can't happen, there are much deeper issues than r/rpersonalfinance is qualified for -> r/relationships
Edit: Reread OP.. WAIT WHAT? She will transfer money without asking first??? No, no, no , no ,no. 100% unacceptable unless you already have an agreement in place for that.
hopingtothrive t1_jada2mp wrote
Cut the cord. Your parents need to live within their means. Open your owe bank account. If you chose to give them or loan them money it goes like this. They ask. You decide if you want to. You hand them the money. No dipping into your account. Get your own phone. If you are on a family plan you share is much less than $100, unless you call it rent plus phone.
>My parents aren't poor
Tell your mom you are opening a separate account where you can save money for your future (wedding, house, life, etc). They will have to figure their own money management.
SloanDaddy t1_jadcicv wrote
It's not your money if it's a joint account.
It's her money. She can take it all out if she wanted to.
That sounds ridiculous right?
Open a new account, move the money.
No-Cost-2784 t1_jad6u89 wrote
Yup, someone I knew personally had their mom on their account and they lost thousands of dollars because she owed money to the government and they took it from his account since she was on it.
goblueM t1_jad4nai wrote
You know the answer to this. You don't need our permission or confirmation.
But if it helps, the answer is a resounding yes
runfin t1_jad5jt0 wrote
Yes I would recommend separating finances with your parents. It would be easiest to open a new account for yourself and move all of your cash there. Leave the other one open if you choose to give your parents money later.
g3ckoNJ t1_jad6xos wrote
Do you live at home? If so why don't you pay a set amount to them for rent if they need help. This way it stops when you move out. In either case I wouldn't let them have access to your account.
Economy_Example_4289 OP t1_jad7q0k wrote
I live at home 1-2 days a week to have a family dinner with them and see my mom. The other 5 days of the week I live with my BF at his home in which he owns. She is always threatening to charge rent because I never "help around the house" but I am literally never there......
She takes $100 a month from me for my portion of the cell phone bill. My BF thinks thats a little much, but I have never seen the statement, but given the price of phones these days it might be correct.
It is very frustrating to be gas lit by my mother. My dad does not do that, he is more so thankful I helped them while he was stuck at home for a year due to serious illness. I am an only child so I bare this responsibility alone.
FourFingeredBertans t1_jad8oiq wrote
> I am an only child so I bare this responsibility alone.
It is not your responsibility. You bear harassment, not responsibility.
It's never easy to set boundaries, but it will be infinitely easier to set them now than 5, 10, 15 years from now.
SG131 t1_jadczl1 wrote
I think you need advice on how to handle your personal relationship with your parents more than you need financial advice. You already know the financial answer is to stop doing this to yourself. Move out and if you want to see them invite them to your place or out to dinner so they can’t take advantage of you. A family plan, $100 seems steep if there are multiple people on there. Only pay if you are given a bill and then pay your share. If they won’t do that look into getting a family plan with your boyfriend. And please post in a sub where they are allowed to give personal advice you so can finally stand up to your parents and put some healthy boundaries in place.
geoff5093 t1_jada9jx wrote
That is BS. You aren't living there, you are visiting. You don't need to pay any rent. And $100 for a phone bill is excessive. A phone plan can easily cost $30-$50/mo, and if you finance a new phone then you'd have a $30-$40/mo bill on top of that for 2 years only. You should just get your own phone plan and instead visit your parents for a day, don't spend the night.
PansexualEmoSwan t1_jadamtl wrote
That's a lot of money for a single account, let alone a family plan where extra lines are heavily discounted.
Wisdomlost t1_jadghiv wrote
Unlimited talk text and data for me and it's 75$ a month. That's one phone and could be cheaper. 100 for a phone on a 3 person plan means either you are paying 3/4 of the bill or your parents have an absolutely asinine phone plan that you would be better off leaving anyway.
Do yourself a favor and sever all financial ties with your parents and continue your relationship as equals. Your mom may think of you as her little girl still but your not. You should be on your own and I don't just say that for your benefit. The longer your mom thinks it's acceptable to act this way the harder it will be to curtail the behavior. Change nothing about the way you are around them except the finances and see what happens. If you continue normally then there is no issue. If your mom makes an issue out of the money then you can dig into why this financial control is so important to them.
royal-horror t1_jadi2ha wrote
bro if the phone plans you can get all unlimited without contract for like 30
FellowConspirator t1_jadihcy wrote
If they take money, then you need to keep the money out of reach (another account). Further, you have no business being on their mobile plan; get your own.
thatgreenmaid t1_jadkjz9 wrote
Your mom is stealing from you. FULL STOP. Taking money from your account and 'asking' after the fact is still theft. Move your money. Close the account. Get your stuff out of their house and get your own cellphone plan. It's time.
escapefromelba t1_jadm0dw wrote
If you don't need unlimited data, I pay $300 annually to AT&T prepaid for 16GB/month. Works out to $25/month.
Also save you $900.
notacyclistmyself t1_jad8ouz wrote
Easy way is to just move to a different bank, and obviously fail to put your parents on the account. Then give them some excuse as to why you had to move your account and some other excuse as to why they couldnt be on it/it wasn't easy to accomplish etc. Boom, done.
diverdawg t1_jad86zc wrote
It’s not just a good idea in the long run, it’s a great idea in the right now run. Must do!
WWGHIAFTC t1_jad9t4o wrote
It was a great idea 8 years ago!
porkchopmeowster t1_jad8vsj wrote
No. Leave them on that one. Leave 100 bucks in it. Open a completely new account and never link it to anyone.
DaemonTargaryen2024 t1_jadc80q wrote
>Should I disconnect my parents from my Bank Account
>
>I am 26 F
Yes
>My mom has a bad habit of texting me when shes broke asking for money cause she has not gotten paid yet.
This alone is a problem for a parent and adult-child relationship
>I usually will say Yes, but she takes the money before she even asks.
And this is a major problem - get a new bank account ASAP.
Even if you didn't have this difficult dynamic going on, the advice should still be to get your parents off your bank account, credit card, etc. It's just good sense to have your own financial situation and not have it influenced by a parent.
There's ways you can position yourself for success in terms of cutting the cord, but just remember you can't control her reaction. Best of luck
scherster t1_jadc8vr wrote
There's another reason to close this account and open a new one, especially if they are having financial difficulties. If they overdraw their accounts, the bank can come after your assets to make things right, because of that connection.
Years ago, my kids kept me on their accounts after they moved out, because it was convenient to move money back and forth to reimburse each other for expenses. Then my son's account was hacked, and it was left over overdrawn by over $6k. I learned that the bank could just take money out of any of my accounts because I was on his hacked account, and it could even take money from one of his brothers accounts because of my connection. It came out well in the end, thanks to the CFPB, but I removed myself from all their accounts, and we all use Venmo now.
saltyhasp t1_jadjkka wrote
I will go further. Do not have joint accounts with anyone unless your married. Even then keep nonmarital asserts separate.
[deleted] t1_jad22t7 wrote
[removed]
[deleted] t1_jad242t wrote
[removed]
[deleted] t1_jad5945 wrote
[removed]
[deleted] t1_jad5tts wrote
[removed]
[deleted] t1_jad9lxg wrote
[removed]
[deleted] t1_jada7dt wrote
[removed]
xthatwasmex t1_jadalo1 wrote
What is your budget for giving money to your parents? If you move in with BF, does that change as you are now having different expenses and perhaps saving towards other goals?
Your budget should reflect how much you have/put in the shared account. Nothing else should be in it, only what you give to your parents as gifts (or shared bills). It should also be an amount that do not take away from your other goals - be it food, furniture, rent, clothes, hobbies, retirement, travel, car, haircuts (and on and on the list goes). I would not be surprised if BF refuse to have merged financial situation with you until you've set an amount that does not mean he too supports your parents to the detriment of his own goals. He shouldnt. You shouldnt.
If you want to help, help. But do so with open eyes and in a way that does not hurt your own financial situation or your BF's.
Didier7301 t1_jadax14 wrote
Just open a new account and stop depositing money into the one shared with your parents.
Closing it is the best option because if you just stop depositing into it, there is the chance they will overdraw it, which would impact you since your name is on it.
If they need money strictly offer it through venmo or cash app so that you have to approve it
[deleted] t1_jadaz5d wrote
[removed]
snotick t1_jadazj0 wrote
Yes. All three of our kids had bank accounts that I had access to online. When they turned 18, I removed that access. I told them I did so. It was up to them to handle their finances. If they needed any help, I'm always available.
Wolfguard-DK t1_jadbmad wrote
Why don't you just send/transfer them money when they ask, instead of sharing your bank account with them?
jonestown_manicure t1_jadc11p wrote
This could get pretty sticky pretty fast. If I were you I would respectfully let them know that you’ve been happy to help but that you won’t be able to assist them so freely anymore. That in a true emergency you’ll see what you can do but that you’re taking them off your bank account because you can’t continue to afford to help them like you have been. Suggest they need to figure things out with budgeting, etc
[deleted] t1_jadcad3 wrote
[removed]
yamaha2000us t1_jadcz6q wrote
Yes.
and if your parents don't get over it. That is on them.
I had a mother that used my sister and myself as an overdraft.
SkyBaby218 t1_jadd6pd wrote
Check out Graham Stephan on YouTube. He's gone over some of the best banks for online only, as well as the lowest fees. Establishing myself as an independent adult and not just the child of my parents made a huge difference, but it took work to get here. Don't let people emotionally manipulate you. It's your life, and you only get one of them.
Typical-Client8688 t1_jadd8pf wrote
Just open a new bank account and quit funding the old one. If they ask for funds, just tllell them that you and your bf are stretched for cash
thatsgoodcandyy t1_jadd8rm wrote
Your parents should not have access to your bank account and this arrangement will 100% absolutely destroy any marriage.
Caspers_Shadow t1_jade4fv wrote
No reason for your parents to be on your account. You can have your own account and have your parents set up as recipient of the funds if you die/are incapacitated. That is different than them having access all the time. Gotta cut the strings sooner or later. Might as well do it now. You can also transfer money between your account and their account via apps now. It puts you in control.
limitless__ t1_jade4r3 wrote
Having a connected bank account at 26 is not normal. Just be 100% aware of that. You need to open a new account at a new bank, get your paycheck and all bills connected to that and then close this account. Whether she takes offence or not is not your problem. You also need to get your own phone and own phone bill.
Long term you need to decide if you are willing to financially support your parents. If you get married that will become a joint decision so you need to be thinking long and hard about it now. It is very easy to transfer money to other bank accounts if you need to send her money. Zelle exists literally for this purpose. Your mom doesn't need it, Zelle just sends the money direct to her bank account from yours.
rae_zone t1_jade52m wrote
I used to do this with my mom. The caveat was that she actually paid me back when she got her paycheck a week later. And I still got a new account for my bank deposits at 21. Kept the old one open with 50 bucks just in case for a while and then closed it. She needed 20 dollars here and there but tapered off long term. She's never needed money since.
That easy access is a life vest as much as it probably encourages unwise spending. They know they don't have to be as careful cuz you're there, but if you didn't exist they'd figure something out right?
sf_sf_sf t1_jadex2i wrote
Get a new account at a new bank Make sure your "recovery questions" are not answers your parents know (add a extra word to the end or make up gibberish only you know) this is to prevent your parents from breaking into your account by knowing your mothers maidens name etc..
gdened t1_jadexus wrote
Yes! You're describing a pattern of escalation. And if you have to tell them about it/ get them to sign something first, take all the money out before you let them know. Redirect your direct deposit to a different account if you have to. If you don't do this, it's pretty good odds they'll just take whatever they can, and the bank and police won't do anything about it because it's "their" account, too.
Subrickk t1_jadezya wrote
Up until I got a full-time after college, I only had a bank account connected with my mom. Once I started working I opened a new bank account with a different bank which became my primary account. I didn’t close the connected account but I would always keep a certain amount of money in it so my mom could take it from it whenever. She’d always let me know when she’d transfer and would always put money back in a few days later (though she didn’t have to do that). Maybe you could do something like that.
Also, it sounds like your parents need to learn how to budget.
Annual-Camera-872 t1_jadfix3 wrote
Yes you need to actually get a new account at a different bank.
FaesCosplay t1_jadfkel wrote
For me personally I kept my card with my parents on it (until I closed the account he I hated Wells Fargo) but I opened a separate card that is solely for me. They use to randomly send me money without asking with cute notes like “go get lunch with your friends!” So it was nice to have while it lasted! I also held a gas credit card from them and still have it 15 years later because they have never been late and it’s my oldest card so increases my credit… I haven’t used it in a decade but it’s nice to have on my report
However if my parents ever TOOK money from me without asking or made late payments, I would not be on the same line as them.
Hanyabull t1_jadfmv5 wrote
It depends on your relationship with your parents, and if the amount of money they take affects you in any way.
Everyone here basically telling you to cut her off, but in my culture, adults often straight up take care of their parents. My relationship with my parents is fine, and I don’t give 2 shits if they take a few hundred dollars from a shared account.
But again, it depends on your relationship, and how much you need the money.
[deleted] t1_jadfyvi wrote
[deleted]
nocoffeefilter t1_jadg3bz wrote
OP, you need to look out for yourself and start saving for your future. Being a piggy bank for your parents is not OK, it will set you back and the repercussions of that is huge.
No_Expression_411 t1_jadg99h wrote
You should take offense to her taking money out of your account before asking. Complete breach of trust. She has absolutely nothing to take offense to. You can’t control how she feels about you not giving her your money but you absolutely can and should have control over how much money you give her.
[deleted] t1_jadgdk2 wrote
[deleted]
jaytea86 t1_jadhkri wrote
Having parents have access to your bank account is terrifying. Any money in there is technically as much as your parents as it is yours. They could take 100% of the funds out of that account at any given second and legally you could do nothing about it.
Open a separate checking account and do not deposit any more funds into that old account. Once you're good to go, close or remove your name from the old account.
If you're still willing to give money to your parents (you really shouldn't be doing this anyway unless you really have massive amounts of disposable funds) it's going to be on your terms.
FellowConspirator t1_jadhuxw wrote
When you get your first job you should get your own bank account. For many people, this when they are a teenager.
It’s sensible to keep an account shared with your parents in addition for a few years after high school as it’s a convenient way for parents to transfer money to their children in college or living away from home for the first time.
In your case, you should already have your own bank account and use that primarily. If you want a shared savings account that you can move money into to gift to your parents, where they can transfer money into their own accounts, that’s fine. However, you should not be giving them access to your personal bank accounts. Doing so grants them control of all your money, and you could see them drain the account for a reason they think is good, but you would not concur. You need to have the extra step in place where you move money from your personal account (only accessible by you), to the joint account.
I’d also say that you want to be very careful with your generosity. Your parents are in a uniquely good position to take advantage of your kindness.
bouquetoftacos t1_jadi5gf wrote
Open a 2nd account. Leave the parent account open. Tell her you having money trouble. If she overdrafts it once, close it and use that as the excuse. Never your fault and keeps the majority of your money protected.
Obowler t1_jadin9l wrote
They need to work on building their own financing, maybe you can help them down that path. If they have no nest egg in their 50s, then they will be leaning heavily on you in their older years.
As a pretty fierce independent, I would want a separate account for financial reasons as well as for privacy. You are surely entitled to cut them off/out at this point.
blainemoore t1_jadiu7f wrote
New bank account at a new bank; if you open a new account at your current bank or just remove your parents, they'll probably get themselves out back on without your knowledge.
Plyngntrffc t1_jadiyis wrote
Yes.
Make sure you have w beneficiary listed in the event of your passing.
But get your folks off. There is no reason for it.
[deleted] t1_jadjf3u wrote
[removed]
Fourbass t1_jadjhmd wrote
You absolutely should not be financially connected via a shared account to your parents. You have exposure to their financial misadventures so tell that bank you want to remove yourself completely from that account. Give them money if you want but you need to have financial and credit reporting history separate from your parents.
freesecj t1_jadjhmz wrote
Some people here are recommending that you leave the account open with only $100 in it, but I would advise against that. They will overdraft that account and then you will have to pay fees. Open a new account with a new credit union, move your money into that account, and then notify your parents that you need to close the current account. Do not give them the opportunity to clear out the account before you move the money. If you are willing to still give them money from time to time, let them know you can Venmo them the cash. Honestly, I think you need to stop giving them money except for your portion of the cell phone bill. They need to learn to live within a budget.
100tnouccayawaworht t1_jadjlr0 wrote
I hope you tell your boyfriend/fiance all of this and soon.
I hate to be the asshole, but if I were the partner of a person in this situation, I would strongly think twice before investing my future into this scenario.
As good and understanding of a person they might be, I see this causing arguments and strife in your future life.
There is absolutely no reason why you as a grown adult should still have your parents (or anybody except your life partner) on your bank account(s).
You said it yourself, your mom literally takes money from you without asking.
To me it sounds like you know the correct answer, but just want the masses to tell you that it is okay to remove them. And, I understand. That is okay. We all need that sometimes.
1,000,000 of people live on low income. You yourself said, they are not "poor" but not "well off." They need to learn how to budget and live within their means. 1,000,000 of people don't cook lavish meals for holidays. Your parents were accustom to a certain life style and now want you to support that lifestyle now that they cannot.
Believe me, I know first hand, it is hard to draw the line and not help your parents when they need it. But, unfortunately, no matter how good of people your parents may or may not be. It is very very easy for people to get accustom to and assume that their kid or uncle or whoever will bale them out when needed. I feel this has already happened since your mom now just takes the money and then tells/asks you. And, guilt tripping. Please. That speaks volumes. Why would a guilt trip even be necessary if the request was not legitimate.
What happens when you and your future partner want to buy a house or go on vacation or maybe one of your loose their job. What happens when you are in financial stress.
I am fine helping whoever needs help. In fact, I probably get taken advantage of way more than I like to admit. But, when the line of helping and assumption get crossed, I cannot help but feel I am now being used.
YMMV
ct-yankee t1_jadjrjp wrote
In short, yes disconnect. You're and adult and they are not your dependents.
If you want to help them, write a check.
thinair62552 t1_jadk0no wrote
Does you future husband know about this ?
Ayoitsjoe t1_jadk6tg wrote
I mean…. If you have the money, just leave it. Why you gonna screw ur mom over. You’ve already been established as the family life boat, so she’s going to perceive it as you abandoning her for your husband. You’ve dug yourself a hole, just let her mooch as long as it doesn’t constrict your happiness.
eldonhughes t1_jadkamt wrote
Go to a new bank. Start a new account. Get your name off the old account. If you want to set up a regular/irregular emergency money transfer to the old account, that might also help the transition. New spouse gets the information, too.
Good luck, and "waytogo!" from some stranger on the internet, for being such a thoughtful person.
Erlyn3 t1_jadkkn3 wrote
Aside from the advice on the bank account stuff, I would also set a budget. You will put $XX towards helping your parents every month and no more. If they don't use that amount it can roll over into next month and grow until they need it.
Money and family are a difficult mix, but especially if you're planning to start your own family, you need to put boundaries in place.
It will be hard and you will be tempted (parental blackmail and guilt trips are powerful) to break your rules. But you need to transition from just being their daughter (what's yours is theirs) to being a relative with your own family. Does your Mom ask her siblings or other relatives for money?
Remember; you're not cutting them off, you still love and want to help them, but you need to set boundaries.
bros402 t1_jadkmpv wrote
Open up a bank account somewhere else - credit union is preferable. Then close your account. They could take all of the money out of your account tomorrow and you would not be able to get a penny back.
123456478965413846 t1_jadkpst wrote
Just open a new account. Tell your parents you are in the process of combining finances with your new bf instead of saying it's to get them out of your account. This way they will take less offense. I would open the new account at a different bank to avoid the bank accidentally linking the new account to your parents or your parents sweet talking the bank into doing it behind your back, also a new bank gives you an excuse to not link it by claiming it's too difficult.
FairyFartDaydreams t1_jadlrr5 wrote
Disconnect and change banks in case she sweet talks someone at the Bank into fixing the connection as she likely has your SS info. Don't warn her beforehand or she might empty the account
Adding: if your new bank has Zell you can always transfer money that way if you deem it necessary to help them out
StrobinSS t1_jadm0da wrote
My wife has an account linked to her mom and before she would ask for money as she could see what was coming into it and how much it had. I moved my wife’s direct deposit over to my account and left that one sitting at a low amount for years with no transaction in or out. She’s in debt but hasnt asked for any money since.
SlamMonkey t1_jadmlnb wrote
Open another account just for you, an put auxiliary cash into there for them. An make sure they can’t pull a line of credit from your existing account. Not saying your folks would do that, but I did have one friend find out the hard way that her dad wreaked her shit with $50K+ in credit card debt. Can’t remember the whole story, but I do know they don’t talk anymore.
IndexBot t1_jadmsgv wrote
Your post has been removed because personal advice topics (including relationship advice) are off-topic here and better suited for other subreddits (rule 9).
- For general advice, consider /r/Advice.
- For relationship advice, consider /r/relationships, /r/relationship_advice, /r/JUSTNOFAMILY, or one of the subreddits in their sidebars.
- For medical advice, please talk to your primary care doctor, but /r/AskDocs may be helpful.
If you decide to post elsewhere, please read the subreddit rules before reposting. Some subreddits have strict requirements for submissions.
Submissions removed for this reason typically include one or more of these off-topic aspects:
- Content that would be better suited for /r/relationships
- Posts asking for advice on how to convince someone else to change their behavior, settling arguments, etc.
- Relationship drama not essential to a question or discussion
- Posts about suicide or violence
- Job or school selection questions
If you have questions about this removal, please message the moderators.
No_Bother_654 t1_jadmzmg wrote
Just get a new bank account (at a new bank)and leave a small amount in the one your parents can access. When they need $$ you can transfer some in.
This gives the benefit of not offending them, and you can say “Oh xxxx and I got a joint account for our stuff”.
It also will cut down on them taking money if they have to justify each time they do, not just mention it after the fact.
fireweinerflyer t1_jadn0sn wrote
- Set up a new account at a new bank
- Write a check and deposit all your funds into the new account.
- Close the joint account.
mekareami t1_jadn4id wrote
YES. Disconnect it immediately and if you need to send money to parents, you can send it to their account. Too many lives have been ruined by allowing parent to linger on accounts imo.
[deleted] t1_jadq5ea wrote
[removed]
[deleted] t1_jaep1ju wrote
[removed]
[deleted] t1_jadeacn wrote
[deleted]
peaches0101 t1_jadexd5 wrote
As a parent on a custodial account for kids who are now adults, I had to go into the bank and remove myself from the account. My adult child could not do it. However, my adult child could have removed all the money and moved it to another bank or account.
satansayssurfsup t1_jad2c30 wrote
Your parents absolutely should not be on your bank account. To avoid offense you could just open a new account and don’t keep much money in your old one.
Your parents already cross a boundary by taking money before asking. That’s unacceptable. You should have your own bank account whether or not they were doing that though.