>Long story short, why was EJ such a headache?

Fidelity doesn't have agents who make commissions off sales. Edward Jones, Merrill, etc, all the full service firms do. The experience is noticeable, as you've noted.

My agent at Merrill keeps asking about whether or not I have funds to move into Merrill. Fidelity hasn't contacted me since I opened an account with them. I prefer the latter experience.