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BouncyEgg t1_j6aeyk9 wrote

The smartest thing we did was we discussed finances.

We opened up our budgets and disclosed all assets.

Then we made a family budget.

We added "engagement ring" as a line item to save towards.

And then we shopped for the ring together.

We both saw the price. We both knew the price.

The ring was not a surprise.

The engagement event itself was a surprise.

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DrTreadmill t1_j6ag70h wrote

So you all both saved towards the engagement ring?

I hadn’t considered including her finances in that picture but I feel like I would feel super guilty if I did. Maybe that’s the traditionalist on me? Idk. That’s an interesting angle.

We do both know each other’s finances really well. I have considerably higher overhead than her at similar salaries. She’s done awesome for herself and has saved enough she could buy her own ring twice over tomorrow. Proud of her. I’d need to save up more before I’d feel ok with her chipping in on her own ring.

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BouncyEgg t1_j6ah53l wrote

Here's another way of looking at it.

You're getting married, right?

What's mine is yours and yours is mine, right?

For better or for worse, right?

One person's financial decisions impact the other's, right?

There is no more my money. There is no more your money.

It becomes our money.

No, I'm not saying you have to be completely combined with zero assets in each of your own names. (We each maintain a small separate balance more for gifts to eachother.) It's more the general mentality of things.

Large financial decisions (such as a ring purchase) should not be a one sided phenomena. If I use "my" money to pay for it, that's less money going into the "family" pot or towards the "family" goals. This takes away from the SO's money. So it's all the same whether I pay or SO pays.

We (as a team) are still paying for it.

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DrTreadmill t1_j6aivph wrote

That makes sense and I see what you’re saying. This has been how we’ve approached other purchases and I’ll talk more with her about it cooperatively. While we’d talked pricing I guess I had felt that it was taboo, even though she hasn’t said anything that it would be, to talk about it as a joint purchase. Maybe just a societal norm I held? Or my own predilection to want to provide? Food for thought. Thanks!

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sonnyfab t1_j6aetrz wrote

>I can just save over the next few months the best I can and we’ll just wait longer,

This is the only smart way. You can put it on a card to get points, but only after you have the cash to immediately pay off the balance. Also, don't make your engagement ring a "big purchase".

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DrTreadmill t1_j6ag9dd wrote

When you say big purchase what do you mean? Like a purchase that highly impacts my financial situation?

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sonnyfab t1_j6ahmd0 wrote

I was simply responding to you having said "if you all found any smarter ways to make a big purchase like this". An engagement ring should not be something you consider a "big purchase". So whatever you think "big purchase" means, don't let your ring be that.

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firefly20200 t1_j6afjm6 wrote

The house was the big purchase. Go for a cheap ring and at your five year or something go upgrade rings if it really bugs her. I wouldn’t use a credit card unless you can pay it off, otherwise it’s just more expensive.

Weddings are expensive. Homes are expensive. Don’t let this turn into something huge too.

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DrTreadmill t1_j6agfnz wrote

Credit card tip has been my thoughts too. Thanks for the perspective.

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MHGLDNS t1_j6ahnrq wrote

You be you.

An engagement ring isn’t either a requirement or a guarantee for a successful marriage. Over forty years without one and I’ve never, ever wished my husband bought one for me. Most women I know stop wearing them after a few years anyways.

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DrTreadmill t1_j6aieym wrote

Thanks for the perspective from down the line. As much as she says it’s ok to not have exactly what she wants I want to try to get her what she’d want which isn’t that extravagant in the first place. Details about what she’s liked aren’t as important here but if I can provide that gift I want to. I guess that’s what I was asking here was how others had went about it.

Congratulations on forty years!

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IndexBot t1_j6akpqh wrote

This post has been removed because it does not meet the subreddit submission guidelines (rule 1).

We're not doing posts about luxury products, expensive cars, etc. anymore because (a) they generally just provoke unproductive discussions and (b) most of the time, it is very clear whether the person asking is able to afford the item.

  1. If you are considering buying an expensive car, the vehicles wiki has budgeting advice. We recommend reading it. If you don't meet 100% of the criteria, then no, you cannot afford it and you should not buy it.

  2. In general, if you're not on step 6 in "How to handle $", you should find a less expensive alternative to a luxury product. If you are on step 6, then feel free to spend money on whatever is most important to you.

If you have questions about this removal, please message the moderators.

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auggotaco t1_j6alx0w wrote

Don’t feel bad going with a “modest” ring…in my experience the home, engagement period, wedding and first year of marriage completely dwarfed the size/cost of the ring…obviously this could vary depending on the woman, but I’d guess she’ll be just as ecstatic with a ring that doesn’t implode YOUR financial situation.

Also, completely agree with a previous commenter about getting a ring that fits your budget well over the next few months of saving diligently for it, then if you really want to - a nicer ring on say the 5 year wedding anniversary or something.

What I did: went ring shopping with her, got a good idea of what she really wanted. Researched the cost of that type of ring, set a date that I wanted to propose and the date i wanted to buy the ring, then worked backwards from that date to present day of how much I would need to save per paycheck to have that amount ready for the purchase.

Good luck and enjoy it!

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DrTreadmill t1_j6aphak wrote

That’s a great system. I’ll do that. Thanks for the tips! Yeah modest is honestly what she wants I’m just currently strapped as I noted. I’ll do some saving and be alright. Thanks again!

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