Trying to meet people my age in the North Hills… please end me.

Submitted by carlykerfuffle t3_yb3iux in pittsburgh

I (f28) have lived my entire life in the North Hills. I still live here and work here, so no, I’m not from Pittsburgh proper, I’m one of those Ross Park Mall girlies.

I’m trying to revamp my social life and love life but it’s been tough, insurmountable even. We’ve been short staffed and I’ve had to pick up a lot of the slack, so I’m utterly devoted to my job, and when I’m not working, I’m looking after my autistic little brother every weekend while our parents go to Erie.

All of this has left me feeling lonely, and to my experience, there’s not much up here for people in my age bracket. The only guys I meet at work are alcoholic grandpas in red Trump hats. I’m practically stuck up here.

I recognize that most activities to go out and meet 20-30 somethings like myself are in Pittsburgh proper, and while they sound like fun, I can’t just shlep on down to the city on a whim between work and my caregiving duties. I have to navigate city traffic, pay for parking, possibly contend with our public transport, all that… and I don’t know if I can take anymore disappointment. It seems like whenever I branch out and do a social activity, it’s either all old people or heterosexual women, if anyone bothers to show up at all. Every effort I make is in vain.

Any other lonely North Hills denizens on here? I just have to fucking rant. I’m lonely and stuck in a rut and it’s killing me.

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Vast-Support-1466 t1_iteg89s wrote

Why are you your brothers caretaker every weekend? That seems a lot to ask, and an impediment on your life.

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carlykerfuffle OP t1_itf4mre wrote

My parents bought a little house in Erie during the pandemic for them to go to on weekends to get away from it all, and they need someone to help my brother. My grandma is senile and on death’s doorstep and my aunts are housebound so it’s my responsibility. He is autistic and intellectually disabled and needs me there to help him with certain things. Once in a while, they’ll take my brother with them to Erie if I’m working all closing shifts, or something else will arise, but usually they go up every weekend to relax. I know these weekends mean a lot to them, they love it up there, and I don’t want to ruin their peace, so I just suck it up and do what I do best: serve others.

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Vast-Support-1466 t1_itfiqi6 wrote

My query was pure, and I'm not here to judge and cause circumspect - do you ever get to visit this place in Erie?

It's awesome that you provide care.

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carlykerfuffle OP t1_itfmt5p wrote

Yeah once in a while. Last time I went up was 4th of July. Fingers crossed that my bosses let me go up for Thanksgiving. I need a goddamn change of scenery.

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Vast-Support-1466 t1_itft57u wrote

I'm (43m) east, near Monroeville now, but spent most of my formative time in the fox chapel area, south north hills? I miss western NY - flat land is boring until it doesn't exist, then in retrospect it was a feature. There isn't much to do in these suburbs, no matter which ones, and driving these hills is such a pain in the ass. But oddly enjoyable tho. Gas and brakes...oy. Pgh proper is not cheap.

There isn't much to do anywhere tho, outside of communities - life is the pleasure we make it. *This* is a fascinating community, and I'm happy to share some space. Pgh is hard, it's all bedroom communities, nuclear family-oriented etc. - which has it's ups, for sure. Oh, the rants I have on Community.

Terribly curious about your "bosses" and what you do. I'm mostly retired, but the work I do perform is focused on security.

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New_Acanthaceae709 t1_itgcgmp wrote

Do your parents work during the week, or just watch your brother?

"I know these weekends mean a lot to them"

Your weekends mean a lot to *you*, too. Or, on your current pace, you cannot sustain it, and will fail at some point. You almost certainly need sustainable balance, not "I exist to serve others until I die".

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HedgeRunner t1_ithiet5 wrote

It's amazing how few upvotes this reply has. Here's an award.

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everydaynarcissism t1_itejzqs wrote

You need to check out the weekend programs up at the Woodlands in Wexford for your little bro. I mean your parents should do this as they are his actual caretaker. Nice of you to help out but there's ways to get breaks without 100% relying on another family member.

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carlykerfuffle OP t1_itf4tic wrote

I know about Woodlands! He did summer camps there when we were teens. He is 26 now so I’m not sure what they have for people his age now. He has hab aides take him out for activities during the week.

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everydaynarcissism t1_itgixsy wrote

Oh he's 26. I thought the ID system is supposed to kick in at 21 and provide him a waiver that provides more than a hab aide though. I have a son with autism and he's about to turn 18 and that's disappointing if that's all they're providing people!

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notverycreative5 t1_iteumz6 wrote

Also 28f here and I could've written this post myself. So hard to meet people when you're stuck in the suburbs. Shoot me a dm if you ever want to get coffee or whatever.

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[deleted] t1_itggqik wrote

[deleted]

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FunPast5101 t1_itglx43 wrote

Same here! (29f). I just moved out a month ago for my fiancé in McCandless. Happy to meet for coffee or something outdoors while it’s still nice-ish!

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emmer37 t1_itizp13 wrote

Just started a book club for women late 20s-early 30s! We meet in the north hills. Message me if you’re interested!

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rammaine t1_itg90ts wrote

Tell your parents you need one weekend a month for a social life, as a start. Then progress to as much as you need.

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Chris19862 t1_itgloyx wrote

Right? I get she wants to be helpful but being a caretaker for your special needs brother for what amounts to 33% of the year is borderline insane to me. Seems like the parents care way more about themselves than their children.

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Chris19862 t1_itgm9rl wrote

Did you agree to all of these caretaking responsibilities? Why do your parents get 104 days a year to themselves and you get 0? Then you're trying to defend them for occasionally taking him with then when you cant watch him bc of work. My lord, it's their child, and so are you. I know I'm coming from an outside perspective but this just screams that your parents care way more for themselves than either one of you......

Itll be tough to meet anyone continuing on your current path, consider talking to your parents to tell then you need time for yourself. Dont give up your 20s and 30s to be a slave for your parents. Additionally, if they can afford two houses they can Fucking pay for adequate care for a brother while you got be a 28 year old woman.

This post for some reason infuriated me....

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westinghousesghost t1_itehao2 wrote

Same boat. 31M in West Hills, spend too much time trying too hard at work for people who don't care, wrecked my social life. About to get a new job and try to reinvent myself. I feel your pain.

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Jazzlike_Breadfruit9 t1_itg03xz wrote

Unless your job is your absolute dream job, I’d recommend looking for another one. It sounds like it is taking a lot of your energy and your bosses are probably taking advantage of you. If you’re short staffed now and picking up a lot of the slack there is a decent chance your bosses won’t hire as many people as they need because they’ll expect you to continue to pickup the slack. In the long run this might help your social life by having more time and energy. You also might meet coworkers who become great friends.

Definitely talk to your parents and see if you can cut down on the number of weekends your looking after your brother. You deserve time to yourself too, especially when your parents take off every weekend to have alone time. There needs to be balance.

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ziggyjoe212 t1_itgcq1s wrote

"Pittsburgh proper" is only 10-15 minutes away from Ross by car. You're not driving to Cleveland.

Many people use apps these days to meet people.

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Eubadom t1_ithtrx8 wrote

Yeah I wanted to say traveling into the city is not nearly as big of a hassle as they make it seem.

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esotweetic t1_iti9h9z wrote

Brilliant comment, honestly.

People need to spend more time in the city and it shows.

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ATribeCalledGreg t1_iteiz7v wrote

What does your ideal social life look like?

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carlykerfuffle OP t1_itfgx7j wrote

I don’t even know anymore. I spend so much time and energy serving others that I don’t even know what I want anymore. My needs and wants come dead last.

Maybe my ideal social life, just some more close friends and a loving partner, but because of my situation I have to approach dating like “who is going to be a great brother-in-law one day” not “who is going to be a great match for me.” It’s sad, really.

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RequirementFew773 t1_itfpnci wrote

It's very noble to serve others, but it sounds like you are nearing your wits' end. There's nothing wrong with taking a little time for yourself. If you don't do it, it's likely that no one else will do it for you.

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WoodpeckerFar9804 t1_itg9lgu wrote

“Who is going to be a great brother in law someday” your post resonates with me. I take care of everyone but myself it seems. I’m North of the city too, and you’re right it’s mostly red MAGA hats up this way.

My family harshly judges anyone I date ( even though their own marriages are shit) and I’ve had that same thought before- who can I date that will be acceptable to my family? I’m now at a point of not giving a fuck. I’m going to date who I see fit and they are not going to approve of anyone anyway.

I’ve been saying no as often as I reasonably can while still providing care and help but giving myself permission to step away once in a while.

Maybe tell your parents you are burned out so they can find alternative care for your brother at least one weekend a month, preferably every other weekend. He is technically not your responsibility. They may be upset at first but you matter. It’s honestly selfish of everyone to lean on you for care. Saying no or not this time is HARD for natural caretakers, but if you don’t, who’s going to take care of you when YOU BREAK DOWN? Good luck dear

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fcv215 t1_itjmwhm wrote

I’m 65 and have a wonderful wife and good family. I’ve also taken care of family and friends my entire life. I’m lucky later in life I found a wonderful woman. I have a successful business. I got it made right? Wrong since I put myself last my whole life I have no dreams or desires. Happiness isn’t what I think about…it’s simply is everyone ok and taken care of. You must change or you and your desires will disappear. You are a victim to your goodness and decency. Go to therapy now. Get your own life and live it

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WesternDark4390 t1_itghl12 wrote

Might not be your thing but the northland public library has book clubs, cooking classes, etc….

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[deleted] t1_iteraav wrote

It wouldn’t work in the winter but in the other seasons, there is what appears to be a social group that paddle boards and kayaks together at north park. It’s not my thing but it seems like they have a blast.

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23Breach t1_itg7oue wrote

There’s a growing Pittsburgh discord with people throughout the region seeking friends + stuff to do. Select tags for certain interests and in-person events!

Check it out!

https://discord.gg/M6paQvbn

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runmymouth t1_itgcekb wrote

Id say the first question is given no time or money boundaries what do you want to do? Play video games? Ski? Hike? I think figuring out what gets you going in interest would give you a starting point. The reason you should is so you can find a group that does what you want to do.

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celizabeth922 t1_itgouec wrote

I feel like it helps to have a friend to walk around target with and just vent about life. The older you get, the harder it is to make meaningful connections, I totally get it and relate. What kind of stuff are you looking to do? I’m not a party girl but love grabbing a coffee or running errands!

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urbangriever t1_itgpfer wrote

Hey, don’t be shy - I’m nearby too. If you’re looking for someone local. I’m 35 F - born and raised and I went through this at some point in my life too. I don’t know if we’ll have much in common but we can chat :-) Send me a DM if you want!

I’m a bit of a slave to work and I hate it so I’m happy to listen to you rant about that bullshit too lol

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PuzzledKale2841 t1_itjayc6 wrote

Go to the city. Get out of the North Hills. Don’t go further north to wexford or cranberry. Go to the city. There is nothing for a 28 year old in the North Hills unless you are tied to a job or a spouse and kid.

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kielBossa t1_itg7bbx wrote

North Park is a treasure! I live in the city and I’m in North Park twice a month golfing, hiking or biking. Where there are outdoor activities, there are younger people, generally.

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GamermanRPGKing t1_itgiq53 wrote

I'm a similar age, but south hills. Not in a nicer spot like lebo so same situation

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Lululover412 t1_itgvzya wrote

Nods in agreement from the eastern ‘burbs

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Moralitea t1_ithgpqm wrote

Tuesday nights are open board game nights at Game Masters right over in West View. Feel free to stop in and get connected if you like that sort of thing!

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The_Wkwied t1_ithurh8 wrote

I feel you. The biggest thrill I have had since the pandemic has been going out to Eat n Park or Chilis during quiet hours.

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sputzie88 t1_itgfkpu wrote

Oh, I can relate so much to this! Grew up in the North Hills as well, just slightly older than you (34). One of the cons of the suburbs is that you will likely need to travel to meet people outside of the MAGA cult. I would recommend looking into activities that you enjoy, our classes or a team sport, and find a local group that does that. Meetup or even the local Y may be a good place to start. Next comment might be a little controversial, but your parents should not be expecting you to take care of your brother every weekend. If you are just taking care of other people all the time you will burn out. It is not selfish to take time for yourself. I understand the desire to give them a break but maybe have a talk with them about getting a caretaker every once in awhile so that you all can get a break. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to send me a message if you need to vent or would like to hang out, I usually spend my free time walking in the park with my doggo.

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HedgeRunner t1_ithi8m4 wrote

Totally get you. For what it's worth, it's equally hard to meet people in Pittsburgh proper. There's tons of transplants in Pittsburgh and if this sub's history is an indication, very few actually developed meaningful friendship circles. Sure you can go to a Reddit meetup or a bar but it usually dies down after that.

Good luck and I hope people seeing this post reach out to you!

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[deleted] t1_itf1v9z wrote

[deleted]

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esotweetic t1_itgbktq wrote

Your profile and comment is sus

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HedgeRunner t1_ithiuaz wrote

What you mean you it's just your typical next door down to earth hotwife who's totally not looking for sex.

(LMAO)

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[deleted] t1_iti5xn2 wrote

[deleted]

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HedgeRunner t1_iti7qwh wrote

>because I have a username that is sexual in nature makes me incompatible to be friends with anybody not looking for sex?

Not impossible but highly improbable.

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[deleted] t1_iti8nxz wrote

[deleted]

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HedgeRunner t1_itiaohr wrote

Ok, my reply was a joke but clearly it has bothered you more than it should. You don't have to use reductio ad ridiculum by creating extreme examples.

A few things to think about:

  • First and foremost, you can be friends with anybody you want. The point is that they may not want to be friends with you.
  • People exercise judgment when choosing friends and extra judgment on Reddit. The point of the humor is not about policing your actions but rather the probability of success, given what you've revealed to be judged.
  • Sex for most people is an intimate thing. You're free to openly announce that on your user name and similarly people are free to openly judge you for that.

TL DR: It's not about you and lmao can't believe I even typed this out but it's actually helpful. If you want to make friends, maybe create another account instead?

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esotweetic t1_iti7go3 wrote

You’re married with a whole ass husband. Get off reddit? Maybe Get a divorce or find a hobby.

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[deleted] t1_iti8wjq wrote

[deleted]

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esotweetic t1_itiaexl wrote

Or as a general idea, maybe DONT broadcast your sex life like 99% the rest of reddit does?

You’re openly sexualizing yourself with your user and biography on your profile.

No one is going to be “your friend” when you’re telegraphing these signals from the word go.

If you want to make some friends with other swingers, there is places for that.

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NathanLocke t1_ithjx6w wrote

Why do your parents dump your brother on you every weekend?

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