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TobyTheWeasel t1_j1ov8jz wrote

Reply to comment by late_apexes in Checking in - how was your day? by MaynardWaltrip

I feel your pain. I went through something very similar a year ago (around the exact same time and with a young child).

We are all different and of course your road is going to be different, but the following are my own take aways.

  1. Get to therapy (if you aren't already).

  2. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. She is probably being an ass because she is freaking the fuck out on the inside. (Let me be clear, there are consequences for her choices. You also have every right to feel what you are feeling, but take a step back from the feelings and try to use some logic). 2.a. I know she made a mistake and it hurts, but don't bust her balls about it (DO hold her accountable though). As I tell my child, anger begets anger begets anger (adult speak- circle jerk of anger).

  3. There is a thing called Collaborative divorce. Probably best you google and read. Instead of me butchering the explanation. Lol. It is an option if you don't want to be at each other's throats in court. This requires some trust though. Just an option.

  4. Talk to a lawyer right away.

  5. Watch your joint accounts (can never be to careful).

  6. Find an outlet for your feelings.

  7. Stay strong, brave and compassionate (this shit will test you as a human being).

  8. You and your kid are most important (as hard as this might be, that means the "relationship" with your kid's mother is kind of important too - I'm talking about some form of respect).

I do hope something here helps.

Sorry again to hear you are going through this and my thoughts go out to you. Best of luck and remember to stay human!

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late_apexes t1_j1pu7an wrote

Thank you for this. My anger is slowly subsiding and I am starting to get back to being able to talk to her about things. I spoke briefly with an attorney two days after I found out and have another meeting with the attorney today. I told her I have an attorney and she lost it. Thing got real for her.

Over the last six or seven months she has done really well at work. I caught her because a coworker said I should be concerned about her and her boss. I called her out. She broke down. I don’t actually think they did anything physical. I think there was some serious flirting and serious intention to cheat at some point. Had I not caught them, it would have happened eventually. She even admitted so. The best part is that in her panic she went to the IT department to see if they could find the person who contacted me. I have refused to turn that person over since they’d surely get fired. Anyways, IT asked her what the nature of the information was. She explained it was in regards to a relations ship with the boss. The boss is also the CEO. So the IT department immediately sent the claim to HR because they didn’t want to touch it. Now my wife is in big trouble and may very likely lose her job. You cant make this stuff up. What was she thinking? On top of that I spoke with the CEO’s wife and explained the situation. She barely seemed interested. They have three kids. I assume this has happened before. My wife got used and ruined our family doing it.

I have been sleeping in the guest room. It’s allowed me some time to myself. I am sending my son to my parents for this week since he is off school. I plan to stay at a friends house during this time. A little break for both my wife and I. I don’t think what she did is unforgivable. I have offered to reconcile, I have offered to do counseling. She has however refused to leave her job, and for me that is a deal breaker. Her job is good, but it’s not cheat on her husband, get caught, and still stay good. We aren’t installing a helicopter pad any time soon due to that income, the job is replaceable. It seems obvious, she no longer wants to be in this relationship. She’s just too chicken to do it the way she should have done it. I’ve been broken up with before. I’ve broken up with people before. You have to be an adult, she didn’t manage that. We have a kid and a home and cars, and I think she looked around and saw she had a good life, too much to lose, but just didn’t want to be with me anymore. So she cheated. Keep the stuff, keep the life, get the extra spicy work place sneak around affair. A brutal reality that will ripple through our lives until we die.

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